Sometimes, people rush into adoption when they discover they are infertile without taking the time to grieve the loss of the biological child they did not have. They risk sabotaging an adoption or, worse, treating an adopted child as second best to the son or daughter they might have had.
Before you can adopt with success, you must come to terms with your infertility. For some couples, this may take years. Move at your own pace, but realize that the longer you wait, the more you delay the precious time you could have with your child.
For me, coming to terms with infertility meant accepting that there was a reason for everything. I don’t know why I was unable to have babies but were it not for my infertility, I would not have adopted my wonderful son. I would not have opened an adoption center that has brought hundreds of children and parents together, changing their lives. I have known many couples who faced infertility and moved on quite naturally to adoption. Others have edged toward it uneasily because their dream of having a biological child meant so much to them.
Before you are ready to adopt after infertility, you have to know the answer to this question: Do you want to be a parent or do you want to have a biological child?
Unless you resolve this issue, you risk backing out of the adoption process and breaking the heart of the birth mother. Don’t settle for adoption. Children deserve parents who love and cherish them as the most precious thing on earth.
If you have unresolved issues about infertility, we recommend that you seek counseling before you adopt. You may choose to delay adoption and seek medical treatment until you have exhausted all options. If afterward you still decide to pursue adoption, you may find, as many people do, that the adoption process is less stressful than conceiving through medical technology.
It may also help you to talk with other adoptive parents or a counselor. We are still amazed by the traits and characteristics that parents pass on to their adopted children. Will science ever explain the adopted daughter whose hair and skin color change so she looks just like her mother? Or the son who has the same walk as his adoptive father, the same crinkling of his eyes when he laughs?
Families created through adoption are true families. After adoption, you are a parent, and your child will depend on you for his needs, both physical and emotional. Don’t underestimate how important and special an adoptive child can be to your life. You will experience all the joys and heartaches of any parent. You will be Mom and Dad!
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”