If you’re adopting as a married couple, how can you support your spouse through the process of adoption? Lifetime Adoption recognizes that the adoption process (and the waiting) can be challenging in different ways to each spouse. In this post, you’ll discover how you can remain focused on moving forward, while still enjoying this current season in your marriage.
Communication is key in this time of waiting. Make sure to truly listen to your spouse and be present. You don’t necessarily have to “fix” everything, but make sure you’re there to validate their thoughts. If one of you is having a tougher time with the wait to be chosen by a birth mother than the other, ensure you’re not making them feel bad about the emotions they’re experiencing. As you listen to your spouse, consider what would most help them at that moment.
Date your spouse, or try a weekend getaway. If you feel like you’re under a lot of stress due to the wait, you might be only doing necessary everyday things and allowing your relationship fade into the background. When you focus all of your time and energy into the adoption process, you may not have any energy left for your marriage. Setting up regular date nights with your husband or wife makes sure that you don’t get to the point where you feel alienated from one another.
Try a couple’s massage; it’s a wonderfully relaxing, personal experience. During the session, you both get a massage at the same time and in the same room from two different therapists. Couples massage is a shared experience that encourages married couples to bond closer together. You can use your massage session to chat and communicate or to just relax and enjoy your shared time in comfortable silence. The massage experience has been known to bring couples closer together, even when words are not spoken.
Don’t “keep score”…this is one the worst things you can do. Typically, people see everything they do that’s positive, but only a fraction of what their spouse does. If you start keeping score, you’ll end up resenting your spouse before too long. Also, don’t place blame or point fingers. When a couple faces a tough situation, it’s easy to start thinking the other spouse isn’t “pulling their weight.” Spouses sometimes blame each other for problems, in an attempt to gain control over a situation. But all this does is divide your marriage.
Adoption and fertility treatments can take a toll on a couple’s marriage. What’s important is to make sure your marriage is strong before bringing your baby home. Having a solid foundation of support for adoption is wonderful, not only for you and your child but also for your future birth mother who is trusting you have a secure marriage.
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”