Sometimes I see people rush into adoption without taking the time to grieve the loss of the biological child they did not have. They risk sabotaging an adoption or, worse, treating the child they adopt as second best to the son or daughter they might have had biologically.
Before you can adopt with success, you must come to terms with your infertility. Pray and seek confirmation – this takes time. Move at your own pace, but realize that you are not getting any younger, and the longer you wait, the more you delay the precious time you could have with the child God has meant for your family.
For me, coming to terms with infertility meant accepting that there was a reason for everything. I don’t know why I was unable to have babies, but were it not for my infertility, I would not have adopted my wonderful son. I would not have opened an adoption center that has brought thousands of children and parents together, changing their lives.
I have known many couples who have faced infertility and moved on quite naturally to adoption. I have known others who have edged toward it uneasily, because their dream of having a biological child meant so much to them. Before you are ready to adopt, you have to know the answer to this question: Do you want to be a parent, or do you want to have a biological child?
You may feel as though you must settle for adoption. You cannot do this. A child deserves to have parents who love and cherish him as the most precious gift on earth. If you have unresolved issues about infertility, seek prayer and counseling before you adopt. You may choose to put adoption aside and press on with medical treatment until you have exhausted all options. Then, when you return to take up adoption, you may find, as many people do, that the adoption process is less stressful and more enjoyable than your infertility treatments. If you are not sure you can accept a child who will not inherit your genes, it may help you to talk with other adoptive parents or a counselor.
We are still amazed by the traits and characteristics that parents pass on to their adopted children. Like the adopted daughter whose sweet southern accent sounds just like her mother, or the son who has the same walk as his adoptive father, the same crinkling of his eyes when he laughs. Even biblically, Joseph, as Jesus’ adoptive father, passed on the skills and talents of carpentry.
As with many things in life, we can only see God’s beautiful plan as we look back to see how He was working to bless and care for us along our journey.
This was excerpted from my most recent adoption book, Called to Adoption. Learn how you too can be blessed by adoption by calling Lifetime at 1-800-923-6784. Or get started today by filling out Lifetime’s free online application to adopt!
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”