Adoption IS NOT a “cure” for the hurt and loss that comes with infertility or miscarriage. As one woman puts it, “I wish those watching us adopt could understand how much hurt and pain we have been through (with infertility and miscarriages), and that even though we are on the path to adoption, those aches aren’t automatically ‘cured.’”
So true. As this adoptive mom-in-waiting describes, an adoption is never intended to be a “fix all” for the loss that happened through infertility.
Adoption may stem from a path through infertility, but it becomes a separate journey in itself.
One child cannot replace another. One dream isn’t overshadowed by the next. It’s just as important to heal emotionally as it is to remember that healing after a miscarriage and infertility still leaves behind sensitive scars that sometimes get bumped. The sting of a bumped scar may come when someone shares their happy announcement of pregnancy. You want to be excited for them, but instead it’s a swift reminder of what you could not, or cannot experience. You’re still excited to adopt, ready to become a mom, happy for your friend, yet the scar from infertility remains tender.
A healthy outlook and a healed heart will still be tested by the mixed emotions that come from celebrating for others while you’re waiting for your own baby announcement to come. It’s important to take bitter thoughts or reactions and turn them into blessings. Maybe that means taking time for yourself to do things that help you re-focus on the good things coming from the path you are on. Perhaps that means finding a special way to celebrate a friend’s blessing in a way that won’t over-stretch your ability to stay in a positive place. Turning the bitter into blessings will become a healthy habit for life, if you are willing to recognize real, honest reactions and do something positive to keep you moving forward.
Even after completing an adoption, some adoptive moms share the sting from infertility scars still surface time to time, even as they gratefully and happily love the child they adopted. It’s ok. Healthy hearts are capable of celebrating others, reflecting on disappointing losses, and still finding contentment, joy, and gladness in the place where bitter led to blessings. Your story is a rich blend of where you’ve been, where you are today, and where you’re headed.
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”