5 ‘Red Flags’ to Watch Out for in Hopeful Adoptive Families

We spend lots of time talking with expectant mothers about what they’re looking for in the family who will adopt their baby. Most mothers are seeking a couple who are genuinely good and will love their baby unconditionally. 

We talk a lot on this blog about reasons why women choose adoption and how you can select your baby’s adoptive family. Today, we’re going to talk about why you might say “no” to a hopeful adoptive couple.

Your heart will lead you to the hopeful adoptive family you end up choosing, but these 5 red flags can help you find out who NOT to pick:

1. Saying they will ‘allow’ you to visit

When you interview hopeful adoptive families, ask them about what kind of openness you could expect with them. If they talk about how they’d allow you to have visits and updates, it shows that they don’t understand open adoption. To say that they’ll “allow” you to see the child you carried, delivered, and placed is a red flag.

Open adoption isn’t just about you, it’s also about your child’s right to know where they came from. They should have the opportunity to form a relationship with you if they’d like. So really, visits shouldn’t’ be seen as a privilege, but as the right of the adoptee.

2. The way they talk about “birth mothers”

You deserve respect. So if an adoptive couple talks down to you in their “Dear Birthmother letter,” or they say something demeaning about women facing unplanned pregnancies on social media, it’s a total red flag. If you get the feeling that they don’t respect birth mothers, it might be an automatic “no.”

3. How they’ll talk to their child about adoption

So that your child doesn’t grow up confused, they should know about you (and your love for them) from day one. If adoptive parents don’t talk to their child about adoption in a positive way, it makes it seem like adoption is shameful. Ask the hopeful adoptive couple how and when they plan to tell your child that they were adopted. It’s not OK to avoid telling them at all! If you want your child to be proud of his adoption, it’s important to choose a family who would help him do that.

4. Being Fake

Does the adoptive couple seem completely fake in their profile? There’s a difference between drawing attention to your positives and not being yourself. If it seems like they’re faking a glamorous lifestyle, take some time to think about what you really want for your baby. Do you really want people who pretend to be something they aren’t?

5. Something just doesn’t feel right

There will be lots of sweet adoptive couples that you feel deserve to be parents and who meet what you’re looking for. But it’s your heart that will lead you to the family you choose. Something will just feel like it “clicks.” If it doesn’t, that’s a perfectly good reason to pass them up. 

Written by Heather Featherston

As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.

Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.

As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.

Read more about Heather Featherston