How to Navigate Others’ Pregnancies During Your Adoption Wait

Question: My sister just announced her second pregnancy, and my whole family is excited. I’m so happy for her, but it’s also been hard because I had really hoped that I’d have become a mom by now, and it feels a little like I’m getting left behind.

The happy news has even caused some relatives to ask why haven’t adopted yet, or when it will happen for us. I’m trying to stay positive, for my sister’s family, and also for our own adoption plans, but if I’m honest, I’m just struggling. Any tips for this adoptive mom in-waiting?

Answer: It’s common to feel the bitter and the sweet when pregnancy, or even adoption, announcements happen among people you care about. Each adoptive parent has their own experience during the adoption wait, filled with a wide range of emotions, thoughts, and questions. When you’re waiting to be chosen by a birth mother, pregnancy announcements can become a significant source of anguish.

Your loved ones may mean well, but ask questions or make remarks that feel hurtful or insensitive. Many people don’t understand because they have never gone through an adoption wait. Even when someone you love gets pregnant or chosen by a birth mother, it’s common to feel a variety of negative emotions, such as jealousy, anger, and even resentment.

Table of Contents

• Be Kind to Yourself
• Acknowledge That Mixed Emotions Are Valid
• Remember: You’re Not Alone in Your Struggle
• Set Boundaries with Social Media
• Have Honest Conversations
• Don’t Fake It
• Do Something for Yourself
• Nurture Your Relationship Outside of Adoption
• Do Something for Another
• Take Control of What You Can

Here are 10 tips for navigating others’ pregnancies while you wait to adopt:

 

1. Be Kind to Yourself

Start by being gentle and kind to yourself. You might notice that this comes easy on good days, but when it seems like everyone is getting pregnant and adopting, self-compassion can be harder to come by. Suddenly, your internal monologue becomes full of harsh judgments, blame, and shame for the pain. To reclaim your well-being, try to practice self-compassion.

Also, strive to be gentle and kind to the people who spark your nerves. Here’s a passage from Ephesians 4: 31-32 to live by:
 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”  

2. Acknowledge That Mixed Emotions Are Valid

You can genuinely be happy for your sister or friend while also feeling frustrated, sad, or envious about your own situation. Both sets of emotions are valid and don’t negate each other. Stop trying to “should” yourself out of real feelings. Instead of thinking “I should be happy for my her” or “I shouldn’t feel jealous,” acknowledge how you actually feel. There’s nothing wrong with feeling upset over not being a parent yet—feelings aren’t right or wrong.

Says adoptive mother Rachel Douglas, in a blog for Life After Placement: “For me, jealousy is real. Besides the basics of wishing I could bring my child into the world the way a woman’s body is designed to; I worry and I am scared of not being enough. It’s a real fear that seems ridiculous at times but at others overpowers me.” 

3. Remember: You’re Not Alone in Your Struggle

While it might feel like literally everybody in the world is pregnant or adopting except for you, this is not reality. There are many others on adoption journeys just like yours. People tend to share their wins—pregnancy announcements, adoption placements—but they don’t necessarily open up about the challenges, heartaches, or failed matches they’ve faced along the way. Many people experience significant anxieties and insecurities along the way to their parenting goals, even if you can’t see it from the outside.

4. Set Boundaries with Social Media

Avoid knowingly exposing yourself to pregnancy announcements or pictures of growing baby bumps on social media. This will only make you feel worse and fuel comparison and competition. Consider unfollowing, muting, or taking a break from accounts that trigger difficult emotions.

Social media algorithms may continue to show you pregnancy-related content and ads even when you try to hide them, so don’t be afraid to take an extended break from platforms altogether if needed.

Be mindful that adoption support groups on social media can be helpful or hurtful. If you join one and find it validating, that’s great. If it gives you more anxiety, stress, or frustration, then mute or leave the group. Do what feels best for you, which may even change day to day.

5. Have Honest Conversations

If someone close to you is pregnant, have an open and honest conversation with them about how you’re feeling. Let them know that while you’ll be happy to hear how they’re doing and want to be involved on some days, there may be others that are tough. You don’t have to put on a smile and pretend—and your friend or family member shouldn’t expect that of you either.
 
If you’re invited to a baby shower and want to attend, plan ahead to make the experience more manageable. Plan to take breaks during the event and have an escape plan ready in case you become overwhelmed. Prepare for the inevitable questions from other guests about if or when you’re planning to have children, and have a prepared response that allows you to gracefully sidestep anything you don’t want to discuss.
 
Of course, if you don’t want to attend the shower, that’s completely fine too. You can always do something one-on-one with the guest of honor—take her out to eat to celebrate or plan another activity she enjoys. Consider buying a non-baby gift from the registry, like a spa gift certificate or restaurant voucher, so you don’t have to spend time looking at infant products.
 

6. Don’t Fake It

Avoid holding in challenging emotions like grief, jealousy, and anger. Try to “sit with” whatever emotion you’re experiencing. Become aware of your feelings, and don’t ignore them or try to push the emotions away. Bottling it all up inside will just make it bubble up and explode later, causing more painful emotions or even a shutdown.
 
If you feel the need to talk things out or process some hard emotions, seek a trusted friend who understands. Set up as much support around you as you can and take it day by day. Many adoptive couples have found it beneficial to seek counseling during their adoption wait. Seeking help from a licensed adoption counselor can be an invaluable tool in learning ways to cope with, react to, or address some of the challenges and feelings.
 
Also, learn to say “no” to people’s requests when you need to tend to your heart. If you say “yes” to everything and don’t set boundaries with people, you’ll often feel overwhelmed, stressed, and burned out. Most of us want to please others and be well-liked, which makes it hard to turn down requests or opportunities that others have made of us. But learning how to set boundaries and say “no” is key to having a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
 

7. Do Something for Yourself

When you’re depleted by physical or emotional exhaustion, you’ll be less able to handle stress and challenging times. On the flip side, you become more resilient when you’re feeling your best both physically and emotionally. A massage, manicure, soak in the tub, or another form of self-care will revitalize you inside and out.
 
Taking time out for self-care has several benefits, like improving self-esteem, achieving a healthy work-life balance, increasing positive thinking, and making you less susceptible to stress, depression, anxiety, and other emotional issues.
 
Make room for joy in your day-to-day life by actively seeking small pleasures. Pick up that bouquet on the way home from work. Pull out the fancy china for Pizza Fridays. Order that shirt you keep staring at. Take that weekend trip you’ve been considering. Do more things that make you feel good—not as a way to numb the pain, but as a way to show yourself the balance in life. Pleasure can exist alongside pain, and you deserve both.
 

8. Nurture Your Relationship Outside of Adoption

If you’re married, nurture that relationship beyond the adoption process. Go on date nights, discover a new activity to enjoy together, and remind yourselves of what initially drew you to this journey.
 
Your marriage existed before the adoption journey and needs attention separate from it. You can be each other’s go-to support, but you also need to maintain the joy and connection that brought you together.
 

9. Do Something for Another

You can reframe the narrative by using your season of waiting to bless others. Try shifting your focus to random acts of kindness and doing good deeds for others. Helping others will provide you with a new perspective and help you avoid focusing solely on your own problems. By focusing on someone other than yourself, your perspective shifts. As you perform good deeds, it can help you to see the world in a more positive light.
 
Lifetime adoptive mom, Karla, shares that during their wait, she would “…buy gifts for other babies/children for Toys for Tots or shelters in our area, families through our church. Focusing on others helped me not feel so empty. Prayers for all those with empty arms. I promise someday it will feel like it was worth the wait!” What a sweet way to shift your focus and use the waiting to bless others!
 

10. Take Control of What You Can

Remember that each one of us can “take charge” of our part of the adoption process. You may not be able to control all the details, but you can manage your response.

In domestic infant adoption, there are plenty of tasks for hopeful adoptive parents to complete before they adopt, like obtaining a home study, creating an adoption profile, and completing the necessary paperwork. Taking control might also mean making healthy choices, pursuing a goal, or taking a step toward your goal of adopting a baby. Some specific things that you can take control of and accomplish right now include:

• Taping an adoption video so that birth mothers can quickly learn about you
• Joining an adoption support group
• Attending or listening to adoption webinars
• Considering an update to your profile
• Getting the nursery ready
• Taking a parenting, infant care, or CPR class
• Using social media to spread the word that you’re hoping to adopt

Lifetime encourages you to educate yourself on birth mothers and open adoption while you’re waiting. Read books, birth mother blogs, and attend our free, information-packed adoption webinars. Doing so will give you valuable insight into the adoption process, and it will help you be better prepared for when you get “the call.”

Remember Your Goals, and Recognize Your Progress

The timing of your adoption won’t diminish the joy of becoming parents. The time you spend going through the adoption process, procedures, and to-do lists will seem like nothing once you have your baby in your arms.
 
Your time spent waiting to adopt will seem minuscule in comparison to the hugs that you will share, the moments that you tuck them in bed, and each time they accomplish something great in their lives. As you watch them grow, when they learn to ride a bike, or even when you listen to them read aloud for the first time, the time that you waited will seem like a blink of an eye.
 
Hold on and take comfort in knowing that your adoption wait will be over. Once you adopt your child, you will be able to apply the patience you gained during the adoption wait to parenting!
 

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on June 26, 2019, and has since been updated.