In recognition of National Marriage Week, which runs from Saturday through Valentine’s Day, I’m sharing tips to strengthen your marriage as you navigate the adoption journey. While Valentine’s Day often celebrates romance and passion, the real foundation of a lasting marriage is commitment, communication, and intentional connection, especially during the adoption process. As you work through the important tasks needed to achieve your adoption dream, be sure to carve out time together that has nothing to do with adoption paperwork or deadlines. Remember that the health of your marriage is the strongest foundation your future family can stand on.
Adoption and infertility treatments can be stressful for your marriage, so having the solid foundation of a healthy marriage is essential. Soon enough, you will be moving into another phase of your lives and will be very busy caring for your baby.
Table of Contents
- The Keys to Keeping a Healthy Marriage
- Communicate With Each Other
- Recognize the Emotional Toll of Infertility
- Navigate Your Adoption Readiness Levels
- Maintain a Healthy Connection
- Deal With Conflict
- Five Fun Ways to Reconnect and Energize Your Marriage
- Preparing for Post-Placement
The Keys to Keeping a Healthy Marriage
Communicate With Each Other
While communication is important to any healthy relationship, poor communication can tear them apart. If each of you is intent on winning the other one over to your way of thinking, neither of you is really listening.
As Amber Lewis, a licensed counselor who works with families during the home study process and post-adoption, says, “It is vital that couples go into an adoption with a relationship characterized by strong communication, cooperation, respect, and love. The challenges of adoption often exacerbate weaknesses in marriages, and it can be devastating for the whole family if those weaknesses grow. But, if a couple is strongly committed to each other with firm grounding in their love, roles, and mutual respect, the family is much better prepared to successfully weather the stress that can come with building a family by adoption.”
In a marriage, you need to believe that what is best for you as a couple must come before what is best for you as individuals. Try to understand and find what is best for your marriage instead of trying to win an argument. Truly listen to one another and try to find ways to compromise.
You can establish better communication by setting clear expectations and then reevaluating those expectations. If you go into marriage thinking that your spouse should do certain things or behave a certain way, you’ll end up frustrated and wonder what went wrong when they don’t live up to expectations.
A practical way to communicate better is to hold a weekly meeting to discuss schedules and the division of labor. And since many couples argue about finances, you might regularly review your budget together.
Recognize the Emotional Toll of Infertility
For many couples pursuing adoption, the journey is deeply rooted in the pain of infertility. This emotional toll is one of the most significant but often unspoken stressors in a marriage. Infertility can feel like a profound loss: the loss of the experience of biological parenthood, the loss of time and money, and sometimes the loss of hope itself.
Each partner may experience infertility differently. One spouse might be grieving more intensely, while the other feels ready to move forward with adoption. These different emotional timelines can create tension and misunderstandings. One partner may blame themselves, while the other may feel anger or resentment toward the situation. These feelings can show up as withdrawn behavior, decreased intimacy, or even blame directed toward each other.
It’s important to acknowledge that grief from infertility is legitimate and valid, and both partners need space to process it at their own pace. Allow your spouse to express sadness, frustration, or anger without judgment. Create moments to grieve together, but also honor the fact that you may need to process these emotions separately. Some couples find that individual counseling or support groups for those struggling with infertility can be incredibly healing, allowing each person to work through their feelings with professional guidance.
Additionally, infertility treatments often create physical and emotional exhaustion. Hormone cycles, medical procedures, and the constant hope-and-disappointment cycle can leave partners emotionally depleted. As you transition into the adoption process, remember that you’re not just beginning something new—you’re also closing a chapter and mourning what won’t be. Give yourselves permission to do both.
Navigate Your Adoption Readiness Levels
One of the most common challenges couples face during the adoption journey is entering the process at different emotional readiness levels. One spouse might feel excited and eager to move forward, while the other feels hesitant, anxious, or even grieving the loss of biological parenthood. This difference can create conflict if not addressed openly and compassionately.
Acknowledge the differences. Start by having an honest conversation about where each of you stands emotionally. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming: “I feel anxious about the unknowns,” rather than “You’re rushing this process.” Listen to understand, not to convince your spouse to feel differently.
Validate each other’s concerns. If one partner has fears about attachment, adoption challenges, or finances, those concerns are real and deserve acknowledgment. Instead of dismissing fears, explore them together. What specifically worries you? What would help you feel more confident? Sometimes, addressing the underlying concern rather than the surface emotion can help both partners move forward.
Create a timeline you both feel good about. If one partner needs more time to prepare emotionally, work together to establish a realistic timeline that honors both perspectives. Perhaps you need six months of counseling, more research, or conversations with adoptive families before proceeding. This isn’t about one person controlling the pace; it’s about ensuring both of you feel genuinely ready.
Seek professional support together. Pre-adoption counseling or couples therapy with someone experienced in adoption issues can be invaluable. A therapist can help you explore your varying readiness levels in a neutral space and develop strategies to move forward as a united couple.
Recognize that readiness can shift. As you engage in the process, completing paperwork, home studies, or conversations with birth families, your emotional readiness may shift. Check in with each other regularly. What felt overwhelming three months ago might feel manageable now, or vice versa.
Maintain a Healthy Connection
It’s essential to seek care from and care for your spouse to have a healthy relationship. Doing so allows you to connect with your spouse at a deeper level. Therefore, it’s crucial to ask yourself questions like, “Can I share my problems with my spouse?”, “Do I seek comfort from them or push them away?,” and “Am I afraid of rejection?”
Many people find it challenging to be comfortable with themselves. They enter marriage looking for a partner who completes them rather than complements them. One way to maintain a healthy connection is by finding something fulfilling and enjoyable outside of parenting and marriage.
Having the freedom to express yourself and feel heard is also crucial to staying connected in a relationship. It strengthens a couple’s bond when both partners feel free to disagree and work towards a peaceful resolution.
Deal With Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, including marriage. Each of us brings our own unique histories and experiences, which can sometimes lead to disagreements. However, when a couple is aligned around parenting, finances, and communication, conflicts tend to be minimal.
It’s important to work through any problems that arise due to our histories and expectations. We can’t let past hurts and relationships get in the way of our marriage. Sometimes, getting on the same page can be challenging, but challenging each other will make you better individuals and a stronger couple.
Dealing with disagreements in ways that build a stronger relationship is crucial for your marriage. Think of your marriage like a living, growing organism that requires ongoing effort and attention. You’re both responsible for creating a safe and healing home for yourselves and your family. While you won’t be able to resolve every conflict immediately, you can strive always to move forward together and strengthen your relationship.
Five Fun Ways to Reconnect and Energize Your Marriage
- Take time to sit together and just talk
Avoid talking about adoption or what is on the news. Reminisce about fun times, and share amusing stories with each other from when you were growing up.
The saying “Laughter is good for the soul” is very true. Laughter releases endorphins that make us feel great. When you laugh with your spouse it’ll bring you closer and enhance your emotional connection.
- Have a date night
Chances are, it’s been a while since your last date night, so it’s time to put one on your calendar! It can be simple and inexpensive, like packing a picnic lunch and going to a park. Hold hands while you walk around the neighborhood or get takeout and spend the night enjoying a movie together.
No matter how crazy, chaotic, or stressful your life might be right now, the goal is that you carve out time for each other.
- Exercise together
Some say that couples who run together have fun together. Choose an exercise you can bond over and make it part of your schedule. You might plan to volley the ball back and forth on a tennis court, shoot hoops together, or participate in a class at your local gym. No matter what kind of activity you select, your relationship will benefit from it.
- Get a babysitter
If you’re parenting or fostering right now, don’t feel guilty for getting a babysitter for the night. It could be just a few hours during the day.
To show up in a healthy way for your kids, you must take care of yourself. Part of this self-care involves taking care of your marriage. If paying for a babysitter isn’t in your budget, you might ask a family member to watch your child.
- Surprise each other
Commit to surprising your spouse once or twice a week with a treat. Whether it is a special outing, breakfast in bed, or even taking over a chore they usually do, they will appreciate it. Do a little something to make your spouse feel special and loved.
A Healthy Marriage and Adoption
Once you have decided to adopt, it will become a large part of your marriage. It will take time and work. Between completing paperwork, creating your profile, and meeting deadlines, it may feel like there is no time for anything else, but there is. Many birth mothers desire a stable, two-parent home and choose adoption because they can’t provide those two attributes at this point in their lives.
Make sure to set aside time for fun and love. You have to continue to live your life as you go through the adoption process.
You may also experience different emotions at different times as you navigate your adoption experience. Be patient and understanding with each other. If one of you is feeling overwhelmed or anxious, try to be the strong one.
The wait to be chosen by birth parents can be difficult, and you will need true teamwork. Trust each other to be there during hard or emotional times. Always lean in, not out. You are working on building your family, and you two are the foundation.
Preparing for Post-Placement
The joy of bringing your child home marks the beginning of a new chapter and a big shift in your marriage dynamics. While the adoption wait can feel all-consuming, the reality of parenting brings its own unique challenges that will impact your relationship in ways you might not anticipate.
Start talking about this transition now.
Before your child arrives, discuss how you envision parenting roles, how you’ll maintain your marriage during the adjustment period, what support you might need from each other, and how you’ll navigate differences in parenting style or attachment. These conversations won’t prevent challenges, but they’ll help you approach them as a team rather than as opponents.
Sleep deprivation
Sleep deprivation is one of the most underestimated marriage stressors. Whether your child arrives as a newborn, toddler, or older child, the early adjustment period often involves disrupted sleep, frequent nighttime wakings, and the exhaustion that follows.
When you’re both running on little sleep, patience wears thin, communication becomes shorter and sharper, and even small annoyances can feel like major conflicts. Plan for this by discussing how you’ll share nighttime duties, how you’ll support each other through the fog of sleepless nights, and how you’ll be gentle with each other.
Changing roles
Role changes are another significant shift. For the first time, you’re not just partners, you’re parents with very different day-to-day responsibilities. One partner might take on more of the nighttime care while the other manages daytime duties. Work schedules, career priorities, and household responsibilities may need to be renegotiated. These changes can feel like you’re living different lives, and intimacy and connection can suffer if you don’t intentionally nurture your relationship.
Bonding differences
Bonding differences between you and your spouse can also create tension. You may each attach to your new child at different rates or in different ways. One parent might feel an immediate sense of protectiveness and desire for constant closeness, while the other needs more gradual bonding time.
Neither approach is wrong, but misunderstanding each other’s bonding style can lead to criticism or resentment. Talk openly about your attachment styles and expectations, and give yourselves grace as you each discover your parenting rhythm.
Remember, the transition to parenthood is temporary. The early months are the hardest, and as your child settles in and routines develop, many couples find their rhythm and rediscover each other. Patience, grace, and a commitment to working through challenges together will help your marriage not just survive the transition but thrive through it.
Maintaining a Healthy Marriage
Your marriage is the foundation upon which your family will be built. Whether you’re in the early stages of considering adoption, navigating the emotional complexity of infertility, or preparing for your child’s arrival, investing in your relationship is one of the most important things you can do.
Be kind to each other, communicate openly, and remember that you’re in this together. The challenges you face now as a couple are creating the strong, resilient partnership that will carry you and your family through all the joys and challenges ahead.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on May 27, 2020, and has since been updated.
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”
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