Birth Moms Looking for Adoptive Parents: What Are They Really Looking For?

After deciding to grow their family through adoption, most hopeful adoptive parents start researching agencies, budgeting for the journey ahead, and reading everything they can find about open adoption. But when it’s time to create an adoption profile, nearly every family asks me the same question: “Birth moms looking for adoptive parents…what are they actually looking for?”

Here’s the short answer: birth moms looking for adoptive parents are almost always looking for honesty, a genuine emotional connection, and confidence that their child will grow up in a stable, loving home. Beyond those three universal wishes, what draws a birth mother to a specific family is deeply personal, and often comes down to details you’d never expect.

I’ve spent over 40 years helping birth mothers and adoptive families find each other, and I can tell you that there’s no single formula. But there are patterns. Below, I’ll walk through what birth mothers consistently tell us matters most, along with practical ways to bring those qualities out in your own adoption profile.

The Three Things Almost Every Birth Mother Wants

Regardless of her age, background, or circumstances, a birth mother placing her baby is looking for reassurance in three areas:

• Honesty. She wants to know that the people in the profile are real, not polished versions of who they think she wants them to be.
• A genuine connection. Something in your story, your photos, or your voice needs to make her feel like she knows you.
• Security. She needs to believe, without a doubt, that her child will be loved, safe, and cared for.

Everything else, like where you live, whether you already have children, your work schedule, your hobbies, is negotiable. These three things generally are not.

Her Specific Preferences Are Uniquely Her Own

Once those universal wishes are met, what matters most to one birth mother may be entirely different for another. The following points outline how you can make your profile truly resonate with the right match for you.

She might want a family in her own state, or she might prefer one far away. She may hope her child grows up with siblings, or she may choose a couple without children yet so her baby has their undivided attention. She might picture a stay-at-home parent, or she might connect more with a family where both parents work.

None of these preferences make one family more “attractive” than another. They simply mean the right match is about fit, not perfection. Here are some tips

Get Honest About Your Adoption Preferences

Before you can present yourselves honestly to a birth mother, you have to be honest with yourselves. Take real time to think through how you see your family growing: the ages, situations, and circumstances you’re truly open to.

Being flexible in your adoption preferences can help a birth mother find you sooner. However, if you’re not genuinely excited about a specific situation, she will sense it. Talk it through honestly with your spouse and your Adoption Coordinator before your profile ever goes live.

Let Her See Your Everyday Life, Not Just Your Highlight Reel

Vacations and holiday photos are fun, but what birth moms looking for adoptive parents often crave most is a window into an ordinary Tuesday. Show her what a normal day actually looks like in your home. What do you eat for breakfast? Who’s making the coffee? What does your neighborhood look like on a walk?

An adoption profile video is one of the most powerful ways to do this. Hearing your voices and watching how you interact with each other tells her far more than a written page ever could.

Photos matter just as much. Skip the sunglasses and filters. Use natural light, keep the focus on the two of you, and make sure every photo is clear enough for her to really see your faces.

Small, Specific Details Create Big Connections

You never know what small detail will be the one that makes a birth mother feel connected to you. One of our birth mothers, Alisa*, chose a couple because the adoptive father liked the same candy bar she did. They lived in a completely different state from the one she’d originally wanted, but that one shared detail was enough to spark real interest, and it became a match.

That’s the pattern I see again and again: it’s rarely the “impressive” details that create connection. It’s the small, specific, unpolished ones, like the college sweatshirt in a photo, the family dog, the Saturday afternoon popcorn-and-a-movie ritual. Let your normal, everyday life speak for itself in your profile, because the smallest thing can be the thing she remembers.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

Share Your Values and What a Day With Your Family Really Looks Like

Because most birth mothers won’t be part of their child’s day-to-day life, they want to understand how that child will be raised. Use your profile to share your core values: your thoughts on faith, education, family traditions, or how you plan to spend time together.

If family gatherings with grandparents, siblings, or cousins are a big part of your life, show that too. Many birth mothers are looking for a broader circle of love and support for their child, not just two parents.

Keep a Positive, Confident Outlook Throughout

A positive outlook matters more than most families realize. Placing a child for adoption is one of the hardest decisions a person will ever make. Positive, warm language throughout your profile and in every conversation that follows makes a lasting difference.

It also helps to let your friends and family know how excited you are about your adoption journey. You never know when a friend of a friend may know someone facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption.

Create Your Adoption Profile So She Can Picture Her Child in Your Home

When creating your adoption profile, make sure it truly represents who you are. Let your real personality and values come through; don’t try to be something you’re not. You want her to be able to close her eyes and picture her child growing up in your home, in your kitchen, on your couch on a Sunday morning.

Your Profile Coordinator may give you feedback or suggest changes along the way. Never take that as criticism. Our coordinators have years of experience learning what genuinely resonates with birth mothers, and their suggestions come from that experience.

Build Trust and Connection Once She Chooses You

Once a birth mother chooses your family, the real relationship begins. If you’re matched while she’s pregnant, ask directly about her preferences for contact. Would she like you at doctor’s appointments, or would she prefer more space right now? Talk openly about what future contact will look like so you’re both on the same page. She is entrusting you with her child, and she deserves to feel valued and respected throughout.

Stay flexible. A birth mother’s needs and feelings can shift over time. She may want more updates at some points and more space at others. Being supportive while maintaining healthy boundaries is part of building a relationship that lasts.

Believe in Yourselves

Share who you are with real confidence, in your profile and in every conversation with a birth mother. Talking openly about your feelings on parenting, faith, and marriage can be difficult while you wait to be chosen, but remember: you’re not just looking for a match. You’re looking for the right match. Birth mothers are as unique as you are, and when she chooses you, it will be because who you really are drew her to you.

So if you’re asking, “Birth moms looking for adoptive parents — what are they looking for?”, know that one of them is looking for you. Somewhere, there’s a birth mother hoping to find exactly the personality, values, and lifestyle your family offers.

Frequently Asked Questions About Birth Moms Looking for Adoptive Parents

What do birth moms look for most in an adoptive family?

Birth moms looking for adoptive parents consistently prioritize honesty, a genuine emotional connection, and confidence that their child will be raised in a safe, loving home. Specific preferences, like location or family size, vary from woman to woman.

Does an adoption profile video really make a difference?

Yes. An adoption profile video lets a birth mother hear your voices and see how you interact, which often creates a stronger sense of connection than photos and text alone.

Do birth mothers prefer families who already have children, or families without children?

Both. Some birth mothers want their child to grow up with siblings, while others choose a family without children yet so their baby receives full attention. Neither situation is more or less likely to be chosen.

How can adoptive parents make their profile stand out?

Focus on genuine, specific details from everyday life rather than trying to appear “perfect.” Small, honest details like a shared hobby, a pet, a family tradition are often what create a real connection with a birth mother.

What happens after a birth mother chooses an adoptive family?

Once a match is made, the family and birth mother typically discuss preferences for contact, such as attending doctor’s appointments, and set expectations for communication going forward. These preferences can evolve throughout the pregnancy and after placement.

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on February 2, 2022, and has since been updated.