If you’re pregnant and not ready to become a mom, you might be wondering things like “What does open adoption mean?” and “How does open adoption work?” Finding an adoptive parent or parents for your baby is also probably very important to you if you’re considering adoption. Maybe you’re struggling to make ends meet and want to provide your child with more than you can offer right now. No matter the reason, adoption can be a positive, loving choice. And many women prefer what’s called an “open adoption” because it gives them more control over the entire process. So right now, you may be wondering, “What is open adoption?” For a quick overview of open adoption and the choices it gives you, check out the short video above.
Table of Contents
- What Choices Does Open Adoption Give Me?
- What Ongoing Contact Actually Looks Like: Real Examples from Birth Mothers
- Semi-Open Adoption: A Middle Ground Option
- Preparing Emotionally for Adoption
- How Open Adoption Benefits the Child
What Choices Does Open Adoption Give Me?
Unlike other types of adoptions, open adoption allows birth mothers many choices throughout the process. Open adoption allows you to:
- Choose your child’s adoptive parents
- Decide how you want things to go at the hospital
- Receive counseling and support
- Remain in contact with your child and the adoptive family in the future
You Choose Your Child’s Adoptive Parents
In an open adoption, you can choose the adoptive parents you feel would be the best fit for your baby. This is different from a closed adoption, where the adoption agency selects a family for you. Modern, open adoption puts you in control of your adoption planning, giving you the power to make the important decision of who will raise your baby.
You can browse adoptive family profiles right now on our website or search for adoptive parents using a variety of criteria. You might wish to place your baby with a couple on the West Coast, for example, or maybe an adoptive couple who don’t yet have any kids is what you’re seeking.
Each adoptive family’s profile includes information about them, such as their jobs, values, and hobbies. You’ll also see pictures of them and their family and a video of the couple sharing more about themselves.
Once you select an adoptive family, your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime will arrange for you to have a phone conference with them. It’s common to feel a little nervous about talking with and meeting potential adoptive parents for the first time. So, if you’re feeling uncomfortable about this phone call, please speak up to your coordinator. She can join in on the call and help you out so it doesn’t feel awkward. Having her there can help break the ice. If you’re wondering what to ask the adoptive couple, check out this list of possible questions to ask adoptive parents.
A birth mother, Tina, describes going through the process of choosing adoptive parents for her baby. “I wondered ‘How does open adoption work?’ but then I worked alongside counsellors and social workers to outline my dreams for my child, interviewed potential adoptive families and began setting plans in place. I felt I was in the driver’s seat of the process and was empowered to make difficult decisions. Upon meeting the future adoptive family, I felt an instant and undeniable connection,” she shares in an honest and heartfelt column.
You Decide How You Want Things to Go at the Hospital
With open adoption, you’re in control of everything, and that includes your delivery and hospital stay. You can create an adoption hospital plan so that the adoptive family, the hospital staff, and Lifetime know exactly how you want your hospital stay to go. Having your plan in place before you go into labor allows everyone (especially you!) to concentrate on the birth of your baby.
Your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime will guide you along as you create your adoption hospital plan. To get started, you might consider these questions:
- Do you want the adoptive family to be at the hospital when the baby is born?
- Do you want them in the delivery room with you? Do you want them in the waiting room?
- Would you like to hold your baby? Would you like to feed your baby?
- Do you want the adoptive family to take part in the birth process, and if so, how?
- Would you like to leave the hospital before your baby leaves with the adoptive family?
You Can Receive Counseling and Support
Throughout the adoption process, your Adoption Coordinator will be there for you. She can answer all your questions and will give you any information you need to know. Lifetime’s adoption staff are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week by calling or texting 1-800-923-6784.
Lifetime Adoption has many different resources and support for you online, as well as peer counseling, access to adoption attorneys, a wide selection of adoptive parents to choose from, help via text and phone 24/7, maternity clothes, and so much more. We provide this support before, during, and after the adoption.
Birth mothers can use a wide range of resources and adoption services through Lifetime Adoption. These include:
- Counseling, both peer counseling and licensed professional counseling
- Goal-setting guidance
- Access to our nationwide database of pre-screened adoptive families to choose from
- Help to create an adoption plan
- Medical referrals
- Access to legal assistance
- Help with the medical and other resources you need
- Pregnancy-related expenses paid (if allowed by state law)
- Transportation to your doctor’s office
You Can Stay in Touch With Your Child
With modern, open adoption, you can decide the amount and type of contact you want to have with your child as they grow. Researchers have found that birth mothers in an open adoption had lower levels of grief. Being able to see their child happy and thriving helps birth mothers process their grief more effectively. “I was able to be a part of my child’s early years. Even when I went on to start a family of my own, I maintained a connection with my birth child,” Tina says.
All Lifetime families are ready and eager to have a future contact in an open adoption with you. With Lifetime, you can choose to stay in touch through things like:
- Letters and pictures
- Texting
- In-person visits
- Connecting via social media
- Phone calls
- And more!
Your Lifetime coordinator will help you work out what you desire and ensure that you and the adoptive parents are all on the same page.
While these options give you an idea of the different ways to stay connected, you might be wondering what this contact actually looks like in real life. Here are examples from birth mothers who have experienced open adoption firsthand.
What Ongoing Contact Actually Looks Like: Real Examples from Birth Mothers
Open adoption contact varies from family to family, but here are real examples of how birth mothers stay connected with their children:
Annual Birthday Visits
Adrianne travels to Atlanta every year to celebrate her son’s birthday with his family. She describes the joy of seeing him in person, touching him, hearing him laugh, and seeing his smile. These in-person visits give her peace of mind and reassurance that her son is thriving.
Private Facebook Sharing
Emma shares a private Facebook page with her child’s adoptive parents, where they exchange pictures and updates regularly. This page allows her to watch her child grow day by day, celebrating milestones and everyday moments together.
Video Chats and Regular Communication
Many birth mothers connect through video calls, which allow for face-to-face interaction even when distance separates them. Olivia describes how these video chats help her maintain a meaningful relationship with her daughter while respecting the adoptive parents’ role.
Visits About Once a Year
Several birth mothers describe visiting their children and the adoptive families once or twice annually. These visits might include attending birthday parties, holidays, or simply spending time together. As Sophia shared, the adoptive mother told her at the hospital that “this isn’t goodbye, this is I’ll see you later.”
Extended Family Inclusion
Birth mother B’s story demonstrates how deep these connections can become. The adoptive parents of her daughter walked her down the aisle at her wedding, and the adoptive father did the father-daughter dance with her. Her daughter was able to be part of this special milestone, showing how truly integrated these relationships can become.
Texting and Social Media
Regular texting allows for quick check-ins and sharing of photos or funny moments. Some birth mothers connect through social media platforms, allowing them to see updates and comment on posts, maintaining an ongoing presence in their child’s life.
The frequency and type of contact often evolve as the child grows. What matters most is that you and the adoptive family agree on a contact plan that works for everyone and that honors your relationship with your child.
While the stories above show the beautiful possibilities of fully open adoption, it’s important to know that open adoption isn’t one-size-fits-all.
If direct contact feels overwhelming or you’d prefer more privacy, there’s another option that might be right for you.
Semi-Open Adoption: A Middle Ground Option
While fully open adoption allows direct contact between birth mothers and adoptive families, some women prefer what’s called “semi-open adoption.” This option provides a middle ground that might feel more comfortable for you.
What is Semi-Open Adoption?
In a semi-open adoption, you can receive updates, pictures, and letters about your child, but the communication goes through your Lifetime Adoption Coordinator rather than directly between you and the adoptive family. This arrangement offers several benefits:
- You maintain privacy by not sharing your full contact information with the adoptive family
- You still receive regular updates about your child’s development and well-being
- The adoption agency handles communication, which can help manage boundaries
- You have the reassurance of knowing how your child is doing without the pressure of direct contact
- The option to transition to more open contact later if everyone feels comfortable
How Semi-Open Adoption Works
The adoptive family sends letters, photos, and updates to Lifetime Adoption, which then forwards them to you. If you want to send something to your child or the family, you can send it through the agency as well.
This arrangement creates a buffer that some women find helpful, especially in the early stages of processing their emotions after placement.
Choosing What’s Right for You
There’s no “better” or “worse” choice between open and semi-open adoption. What matters is selecting the level of contact that feels right for your situation. Your Lifetime Coordinator can help you think through which option might work best for you, and remember that you can sometimes adjust the level of openness as time goes on and everyone becomes more comfortable.
Some birth mothers start with semi-open adoption and gradually transition to more direct contact as relationships develop and trust builds. Others find that semi-open adoption continues to meet their needs long-term. The choice is yours.
No matter which level of openness you choose, it’s important to understand that adoption is an emotional journey. Being prepared for the feelings you may experience can help you navigate this path with greater confidence and peace.
Preparing Emotionally for Adoption
Choosing adoption is one of the most loving decisions you can make for your child, but it’s also emotionally complex. Understanding what to expect can help you prepare for the road ahead.
The Range of Emotions You May Experience:
Birth mothers often describe feeling a wide range of emotions throughout their adoption process:
- Relief at having a plan in place for your baby’s future
- Grief over not parenting your child yourself
- Peace knowing your child is loved and cared for
- Joy when you receive updates or visit with your child
- Guilt, even when you know adoption was the right choice
- Pride in making a difficult but loving decision
Sarah’s Experience: As one birth mother shared, “I knew that my son needed so many things I wouldn’t be able to give him. And that’s where I had to separate myself. That’s where I had to break my own heart to do what was best for him.”
Hannah’s Comfort: Another birth mother found peace in knowing she was “placing my daughter into a better situation than I could provide for her.” This knowledge gave her comfort during difficult moments.
How Research Shows Open Adoption Helps
Studies have found that birth mothers in open adoptions often experience lower levels of grief compared to those in closed adoptions. Seeing your child happy and thriving, knowing they’re loved and well cared for, helps with the healing process.
As Madison said, “I’m so proud that I made this decision for my son; he’s flourishing.”
Support Resources Available to You
Throughout the process, Lifetime Adoption provides:
- 24/7 access to Adoption Coordinators who understand what you’re going through
- Peer counseling with other birth mothers who have walked this path
- Licensed professional counseling to help process your emotions
- Goal-setting guidance to help you build your future
- Ongoing support even after the adoption is complete
The Healing Process
Healing from placement doesn’t happen overnight. Ava described how being able to maintain contact with her child and the adoptive family helped her process her grief more effectively. She said, “I was able to be a part of my child’s early years. Even when I went on to start a family of my own, I maintained a connection with my birth child.”
Remember that it’s normal to have both difficult and joyful moments. Some days will be harder than others. Having a support system in place and maintaining contact with your child through open adoption can help you navigate these emotions as you move forward with your life.
Your Strength
As Zoe powerfully stated, “I want birth moms to know that they can do anything.” Choosing to place your child for adoption takes tremendous courage and love. You’re not giving up; you’re giving your child a life full of opportunity while maintaining a connection that honors the love between you.
Throughout the adoption process, you’ll naturally focus on your own emotions and needs. But you may also wonder how your choice will affect your child as they grow up. Research and real-life experiences show that open adoption offers significant benefits for adopted children.
How Open Adoption Benefits the Child
While open adoption provides many benefits for birth mothers and adoptive parents, perhaps the most important question is: how does it help the child?
Building a Strong Sense of Identity
Children in open adoptions grow up with a clear understanding of who they are and where they came from. As Mia expressed, “What I didn’t want ever is for my daughter to think that she wasn’t loved, and that’s why she was placed up for adoption.” Open adoption allows children to understand from an early age that they were placed because of love, not a lack of it.
Living in Truth, Not Fantasy
Modern adoption research shows healthier outcomes for children who grow up knowing their adoption story from the beginning. Rather than wondering or creating fantasies about their birth families, adoptees in open adoptions live in the truth. They know, in age-appropriate ways, why their birth mother chose adoption and can understand that it was a loving decision made for their benefit.
Access to Complete Medical History
Open adoption provides ongoing access to important medical information that could be crucial for the child’s health. For example, if a child develops a condition like leukemia, the family knows exactly where to turn for potentially life-saving information about bone marrow compatibility. As medical technology advances, this continued connection becomes increasingly important.
Isabella emphasized this benefit: “Knowing my daughter’s family health history could mean the difference between life and death. My daughter will need to know that her mother’s side of the family has a history of high blood pressure. This info could be life-saving.”
Growing Up Surrounded by Love
Children in open adoptions benefit from being surrounded by love from multiple sources—their adoptive parents who raise them every day, and their birth mother who cared enough to make an adoption plan. As adoption professional Heather Featherston noted, “We’re seeing healthier children, healthier families, and more healed mothers who have chosen adoption.”
Knowing They Weren’t “Given Away”
Perhaps one of the most significant benefits is that children in open adoptions don’t grow up feeling abandoned or unwanted. They can see for themselves that their birth mother cares about them and maintains a relationship with them.
Chloe put it beautifully: “Children placed through open adoption benefit from a stronger sense of identity, surrounded by love from their adoptive parents and birth parents.”
No Need to Search
Unlike adoptees from past generations who spent years searching for their birth parents, children in open adoptions already know their birth family. They don’t have to wonder where they came from or spend their adult years trying to fill in the blanks of their identity.
Age-Appropriate Understanding
As children grow, they can understand their adoption story at deeper levels. A young child might simply know that their birth mother loved them and chose a family to raise them. A teenager might be able to ask questions directly and understand the more complex circumstances that led to the adoption decision. An adult adoptee continues to benefit from having both their adoptive family and birth family as part of their life.
The Ultimate Goal
The goal of open adoption is to create the healthiest possible outcome for the child, allowing them to be raised by a family prepared to parent them while maintaining connections to their biological roots and understanding that they are deeply loved by everyone involved in their adoption story.
Understanding how open adoption benefits everyone involved—you, the adoptive family, and most importantly, your child—can give you confidence as you consider this loving option.
Open adoption continues to be popular, and for a good reason: it gives birth parents the chance to have a say in their child’s future. “[Open adoption] can provide birth parents, adoptive families and adopted individuals with a bright future filled with possibilities that otherwise may have been unimaginable. In this way, adoption leads to more: more opportunity, more connection and more love,” says Tina, a birth mother.
As you consider whether adoption is the right choice for you, remember that with open adoption, you’ll have the wonderful reassurance of seeing your child grow up.
If you have questions about open adoption and how it works, call or text Lifetime at 1-800-923-6784. Our adoption professionals are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on November 5, 2021, and has since been updated.
Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P., is nationally recognized as an expert on open adoption. A Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P.), Caldwell is the founder of Lifetime Adoption Center, established in 1986. She has assisted in over 2,000 successful adoptions and was one of the first adoption professionals on the Internet.
Caldwell's life work is dedicated to educating and helping birth parents find the right adoptive parents for their child. She spreads the word about modern adoption through speaking appearances, webinars, online resources, and as a podcast show host.
She has written several award-winning books, including So I Was Thinking About Adoption, the first book of its kind. There are many reasons women choose adoption, and this short book is a comprehensive resource to make the best plan for you and your baby. Caldwell wrote So I Was Thinking About Adoption as a handy guide to the details of the adoption process.
Caldwell has made over 150 media appearances, including ABC News, CBS News, Larry King Live, CNN Headline News, NBC's The Today Show, CNN's The Campbell Brown Show, NBC News, KGO Newstalk Radio, CNN's Black in America II, MSNBC, Fox, PBS, BBC, and Dr. Laura.
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