How Adoption Affects Birth Mothers: Emotions, Healing, and Hope

Adoption is a life-changing event for so many people: the birth mother, the birth father, the adoptive parents, and, of course, the child. When we start to think about the effects of adoption on birth mothers, we see that there can be lots of mixed emotions. This is natural.
 
Most birth mothers will grieve the loss of their child. These feelings of loss can be a big part of their adoption experience. Your grief might come with many intense emotions, like bitterness, longing, sadness, anxiety, anger, remorse, guilt, and even shame. Even though you spent months making a detailed and thoughtful adoption plan, you might find yourself surprised by the difficulty of the weeks after placement.
 
In this article, you will learn how to navigate the complex emotions you might face post-placement, understand the importance of your choices, and embrace your unique healing journey.
 

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Table of Contents

• Understanding Your Decision: It’s Not “Giving Up”
• You’re Not a “Bad Mother”—Understanding Your Emotions
• When Conflicting Emotions Coexist—And Why That’s Normal
• The Power of Words: Using Positive Adoption Language
• Dealing With the Effects of Adoption: A Path Forward
• A Day at a Time: Daily Tools for Healing After Adoption
• Three Steps to Emotional Healing
• Anchors for Difficult Days: Reminders to Return To
• Adoption is a Lifelong Journey, and That’s Okay
• Understanding Grief as Connection
• Your Decision and Moving Forward

Understanding Your Decision: It’s Not “Giving Up”

One common belief is that a woman who chooses to place her baby for adoption is “giving up.” However, the reality is that “adoption comes from a place of love,” as our Founder Mardie Caldwell says.
 
If you’re thinking about adoption, you know this. You have an enormous amount of love for your baby. You have hopes and dreams for your baby, and adoption seems like the best way to give them the chance to grow and thrive.
 
Placing your baby for adoption is not “giving up.” It is a positive step, not a negative one. It’s one of the reasons most have stopped using the phrase “giving up a baby for adoption.”
 

You’re Not a “Bad Mother”—Understanding Your Emotions

Many birth mothers worry about what their emotions mean. If you’re not crying every day, does that mean you didn’t love your baby enough? If you sometimes feel relieved, are you a terrible person? Let’s be clear: absolutely not.
 
There is no “correct” way to feel after placing a child for adoption. Some birth mothers experience intense grief immediately. Others feel numb for weeks or months before emotions surface. Some feel primarily at peace with their decision. Others cycle through what’s called the “five stages of grief:” denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
 
Feeling relief, satisfaction, or even happiness about your adoption decision doesn’t diminish your love for your child. These emotions often mean that you made the best possible choice in a difficult situation. They may indicate you’re finding peace with your decision.
 
Similarly, experiencing ongoing sadness, grief, or moments of questioning doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. These feelings reflect the natural human response to loss and major life changes. They show how much your child means to you.
 
Whatever you’re feeling right now is a normal part of your unique healing journey. Don’t judge yourself against how you think you “should” feel. Give yourself permission to experience your emotions without added guilt or shame.
 

When Conflicting Emotions Coexist—And Why That’s Normal

One of the most confusing aspects of your post-adoption experience is how seemingly opposite emotions can exist at the same time. You might find yourself thinking, “I miss my baby constantly, but I know this was the right decision. How can both be true?”
 
The answer is: they can both be true. Human emotions are complex and don’t follow simple logic.
 
You can miss your child every single day while also feeling certain that adoption was the best choice for you. You can wonder what life would be like if you’d made a different decision, while having no regrets about the decision you made. You can feel grief over what you’ve lost and gratitude for what your child has gained.
 
These aren’t contradictions—they’re the natural response to a complex, life-changing decision.
 
Think about other big life experiences. A woman might leave a relationship knowing it was unhealthy, yet still miss their ex. A person might accept a job in a new city, feeling excited about opportunities while feeling sad about the loss of their community. We regularly experience competing emotions about important decisions.
 
Your adoption experience is no different, except it involves one of the most profound relationships possible—the bond between mother and child. Of course, your feelings are layered and complicated.
 
When you find yourself experiencing conflicting emotions, resist the urge to decide which feeling is “right.” Both can be valid. You don’t have to choose between missing your child and believing you made the right choice. You can carry both truths.
 
Many birth mothers report that accepting this complexity rather than fighting it brings unexpected peace. When you stop trying to force your emotions into a simple category, you can be more honest with yourself about your whole experience. That honesty, even when painful, is often the start of genuine healing.
 

The Power of Words: Using Positive Adoption Language

The language we use to describe our experiences shapes how we feel about ourselves. If you find yourself saying you “gave up” your baby, you may unconsciously be placing blame on yourself. That phrase suggests abandonment or defeat, when the reality is the opposite.
 
Consider shifting to phrases like “I placed my child for adoption” or “I made an adoption plan.” These words better reflect the intentional, loving nature of your choice. You didn’t give up—you made a thoughtful decision about your child’s future and selected a family to raise them.
 
Positive adoption language isn’t just about being politically correct. The words you use when thinking and talking about your adoption experience directly impact your healing. When you describe your decision with language that reflects its true nature—courageous, loving, and deliberate—you’re less likely to carry unnecessary guilt or shame.
 
Many birth mothers who have walked this path report that changing their language helped shift their perspective. Instead of feeling like they failed, they began to recognize the strength their decision required. Your words matter, especially the ones you say to yourself.
 

Dealing With the Effects of Adoption: A Path Forward

You will probably continue to feel a range of emotions before, during, and after the adoption. This is why open adoptions are such a positive option. In open adoptions, the adoptive parents and the child continue contact with the birth mother.
 
Many studies have found that keeping some level of ongoing contact with their child helps birth parents’ healing process. Research shows that staying in touch with their child helps parents feel less worried about how the child is doing and reduces fears of being forgotten. Also, when there is more honesty about adoption, parents tend to feel happier about their choice to place the child for adoption.
 
Birth mothers may also feel comforted and helped with licensed counseling. They can also receive peer support from women who have placed their child for adoption. These women can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings and tell you what to expect. It may also help you to read some of our stories from other birth mothers. Lifetime Adoption provides these things and more at no charge to you.
 
For example, Jessica said that after talking with a peer, she “felt normal because of her. She was able to tell me, ‘Oh yeah, I felt like that too. You aren’t crazy. You’ll get through this,'” Jessica says. “She offered me a shoulder to cry on and didn’t judge me.”
 
Peer support is available for free to women considering adoption. There is no obligation to continue with adoption, even if you use our services. You can receive support throughout the adoption process.
 

A Day at a Time: Daily Tools for Healing After Adoption

Right after placement, filling your days with distractions can provide relief from intense grief. To help navigate each day, consider making a to-do list and setting tasks that can be completed in 15-minute intervals. This approach can make daily challenges feel more manageable. These tasks might include tasks like starting a load of laundry, going for a walk around the neighborhood, or loading the dishwasher.
 
Creating a checklist of daily tasks—such as making sure you eat enough calories, stay hydrated, spend time outdoors, engage in physical activity, and get enough sleep—can help you establish a sense of stability during this time.
 
Keeping a journal, writing poetry, listening to sad music, expressing your emotions through art, and writing a letter to your child can all help you in navigating grief. These activities allow your feelings to flow through your body and help with their release.
 

Three Steps to Emotional Healing

Coping with the emotions that follow adoption placement doesn’t happen overnight, and there’s no single right way to heal. However, many birth mothers find these three steps helpful as they navigate their post-adoption emotions:
 

Step One: Name What You’re Feeling

Emotions don’t always announce themselves clearly, especially when you’re trying to push them away. Take time to identify what you’re actually experiencing. Are you sad? Relieved? Numb? Angry? Proud? Confused?
 
Here’s something important to understand: feeling sadness doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. Feeling relief or peace doesn’t make you uncaring. Whatever emotions you’re experiencing are valid parts of your healing process. You might feel multiple conflicting emotions at once, and that’s completely normal.
 

Step Two: Don’t Go Through This Alone

Isolation can make difficult emotions feel overwhelming. You don’t have to carry these feelings by yourself. Consider reaching out to people who can support you, whether that’s your adoption coordinator, a counselor experienced with adoption, trusted friends or family members, or other birth mothers who understand what you’re going through.
 
At Lifetime Adoption, we’re here to listen and support you whenever you need it. Our peer support network connects you with women who have had similar experiences and can offer understanding without judgment. There’s no timeline for when you should “be over” your feelings—reach out whenever you need support.
 

Step Three: Hold Space for Both Joy and Sadness

Your adoption experience likely includes both beautiful and painful aspects. You don’t have to choose between them. You can feel proud of the loving choice you made while also missing your child. You can feel grateful your baby is thriving while also grieving the everyday moments you won’t share.
 
When sadness feels heavy, it can help to gently remind yourself of the positive parts: the family you chose is loving your child, you’re able to pursue your own goals and dreams, and your baby will grow up knowing more than one family loves them. At the same time, don’t dismiss or minimize the loss you feel. Both emotions deserve recognition.
 

Anchors for Difficult Days: Reminders to Return To

Some days will be harder than others. You might see a child who’s the same age as your baby would be. A holiday might feel especially painful. You might dream about your child and wake up feeling the loss all over again.
 
For these difficult moments, it can help to have anchors—truths you can return to when emotions feel overwhelming. Consider keeping these reminders somewhere you can access them:
 
You made this decision with love. You carefully considered what would be best for your child, given your circumstances at that time. This wasn’t careless or selfish—it was deeply thoughtful and loving.
 
You demonstrated great courage. Making an adoption plan requires facing difficult emotions and choosing your child’s needs even when it breaks your heart. That takes extraordinary strength.
 
You gave an incredible gift. A family who desperately wanted a child received the greatest blessing imaginable. To them, you are a hero who made their dreams possible.
 
Your child is loved and cared for. The family you selected is providing for your baby’s needs, giving them opportunities, and cherishing them every single day.
 
You can pursue your own path. Because you made this decision, you’re able to work toward your goals—whether that’s education, career, future family plans, or personal growth. Your life has value and potential.
 
Multiple families love your child. Your baby won’t grow up questioning whether they were wanted. They’ll know they were loved by you and loved by their adoptive family. They’ll understand they were important enough that you made the hardest decision possible for their benefit.
 
You’re not alone. Thousands of birth mothers have walked this path. Support is available whenever you need it, and there’s a community that understands what you’re experiencing.
 
These truths don’t erase the pain, but they can provide stability when emotions feel chaotic.
 

Adoption is a Lifelong Journey, and That’s Okay

If someone told you that you’d eventually “get over” your adoption experience altogether, they were wrong. Adoption isn’t something you simply move past and forget. It’s a significant life event that becomes part of your story.
 
But that doesn’t mean you’ll feel intense grief forever. Your emotions will change. The sharp pain of placement that you feel early on may soften into a gentler ache. You’ll probably develop ways of coping that become second nature. Many birth mothers find that, over time, they increasingly focus on the positive parts of their decision.
 
However, emotions may resurface unexpectedly. Your child’s birthday might always feel bittersweet. Certain milestones like starting school, graduating, getting married might trigger new grief for the everyday moments you’re not sharing. This is completely normal and doesn’t mean you’re “not healing properly.”
 
There’s no deadline for your healing journey. You’re not supposed to feel completely fine by six months, a year, or any specific timeframe. Everyone processes these experiences differently, and your pace is exactly right for you.
 
Think of your adoption experience not as something to overcome, but as something to integrate into your life. Over time, most birth mothers find ways to carry both the joy and the sadness, the pride and the loss. The goal isn’t to eliminate all difficult feelings—it’s to find peace with your decision while acknowledging the complexity of your emotions.
 
Give yourself permission to be wherever you are in this journey. Some days will feel easier than others, and that’s okay. The path forward isn’t always straight, and setbacks don’t mean failure.
 

Understanding Grief as Connection

One perspective that many birth mothers find meaningful is thinking about grief differently—not as something to eliminate, but as an enduring connection to your child. Your grief represents the love you have for your baby, and it’s the bond that ties you together even when you’re apart.
 
Rather than trying to suppress or forget these feelings, consider honoring them as an important and appropriate response to your experience. This doesn’t mean dwelling on pain, but rather accepting that your grief reflects how much your child means to you.
 
“As painful as grief is, it remains the birth parent’s enduring connection to their baby. Grief is love with nowhere to go. Suppressing the pain or attempting to forget about the baby is to disconnect from the child,” writes Meshan Lehmann, LCSW-C for the National Council for Adoption. “So rather than wishing the grief away, it should be treated as an appropriate, healthy response that should be honored, cradled, and nurtured.”
 
You may find that since can’t express your love through daily caregiving, it comes up as longing and heartache. Learning to hold your grief tenderly rather than fight it can be a powerful step toward healing. This acceptance doesn’t mean you’re resigning to constant suffering; it means recognizing that your feelings are valid and deserve compassionate attention.
 
As you move through time, you may find that your relationship with grief changes—it becomes less overwhelming and more like a companion that walks quietly beside you, reminding you of your connection to your child.
 

Your Decision and Moving Forward

You will have lots of questions, and we will have lots of answers! It is OK to be unsure of what to do next. But you’re in charge of deciding how much support you want — if any at all.
 
Truth is, many women feel the effects of adoption — grief, feeling like they “gave up” — but they eventually may feel a sense of relief, along with happiness and peace with their decision.
 
All your conversations with us will be private and confidential. We are here to help. You can get in touch with us at any time. Our caring adoption coordinators are here for you.
 
Lifetime Adoption has been helping birth mothers through the open adoption process since 1986. We are here when you need us. To get started and speak with a caring adoption coordinator, please get in touch with us today by calling or texting 1-800-923-6784. Lifetime’s services are free to you, and you’re not required to choose adoption when you contact us.
 

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Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on September 25, 2020, and has since been updated.