Getting the news that your girlfriend is pregnant can be shocking and scary. The first reaction is often one of doubt. Maybe you feel like this can’t be real. As the father of the baby, you may be thinking to yourself, “My girlfriend is pregnant! I don’t know what to do.” Although you feel overwhelmed, there are some things you can do.
Here are some tips that will help you face the nerve-wracking situation of an unplanned pregnancy.
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Try to Stay Calm
You may not feel calm, but try to manage your emotions so you can focus on what to do next. Getting angry won’t help you or your girlfriend during this difficult time. Remember, this isn’t the end of the world.
Take a day to process the news by yourself before you sit down to talk with your girlfriend. Don’t panic. There are always choices you and your girlfriend can make. Of course, she may make the final decision, but staying calm will help both of you come up with the best plan.
Talk With Your Girlfriend
The second thing you should do is spend some time talking with your girlfriend about her plans. She is probably feeling more scared and overwhelmed than you right now. So, she’s going to need your emotional support.
Of course, you can express your opinions about the pregnancy and how you would or would not like to be involved. But you must not force your girlfriend into any decision.
Often, when guys hear that their girlfriend might be pregnant, their first reaction isn’t always positive. If you said things that hurt her feelings, you may have to begin your conversation by apologizing. After the initial shock of “my girlfriend is pregnant!” wears off, you’ll be better able to communicate and think clearly.
You’ll both need time to think, so be sure to continue communicating with each other over the following days and weeks. In the meantime, show your support for your girlfriend as long as she needs and wants it.
Understanding Your Rights as a Birth Father
If your girlfriend is considering adoption, it’s crucial to understand that as the biological father of the baby, you have legal rights in the adoption process that are just as important as the birth mother’s rights.
Watch this video to get a quick overview of your rights as a birth father, then keep reading to learn more.
While it’s true that your girlfriend will make the final decision about her pregnancy, if she’s considering adoption, you are a vital part of that process and have legal protections under the law.
Your Legal Rights Matter
Every state has specific laws regarding birth father rights in adoption. These laws recognize that you, as the biological father, have a constitutional right to be involved in decisions about your child’s future. This means:
- You have the right to be notified if an adoption is being considered.
- You have the right to consent to or contest the adoption in most cases.
- You have the right to legal representation to help you understand and protect your rights.
- You have the right to be involved in choosing the adoptive family if you and the birth mother decide on adoption together.
It’s important to understand that being a birth father doesn’t mean you have fewer rights than the birth mother. Both parents have significant legal rights when it comes to adoption decisions.
Taking an Active Role in the Adoption Process
If you and your girlfriend are considering adoption, you can be actively involved in creating the adoption plan. Many birth fathers choose to participate in:
- Selecting the adoptive family – You can review family profiles and help choose the family that will raise your child.
- Deciding on the type of adoption – Open, semi-open, or closed adoption arrangements can include your preferences
- Establishing your role in open adoption – If you choose open adoption, you can have ongoing contact with your child and the adoptive family.
- Working with adoption professionals – You can speak directly with adoption agencies, counselors, and attorneys.
Your Perspective Is Valuable
Your feelings, concerns, and hopes for your child’s future are just as important as the birth mother’s. Adoption professionals understand that birth fathers bring their own unique perspective to the adoption process. You may have:
- Concerns about your child’s future and well-being
- Hopes for the type of family that will raise your child
- Questions about how adoption will affect you emotionally
- Thoughts about what level of openness feels right for you
All of these feelings are valid, and you deserve support as you work through this decision.
Getting the Support You Need
Just like birth mothers, birth fathers need emotional support and accurate information during this challenging time. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Professional adoption agencies provide:
- Free consultations with adoption attorneys who can explain your specific rights in your state
- Counseling services to help you process your emotions and make informed decisions
- Information about all your options so you can make the best choice for your situation
- Ongoing support throughout the pregnancy and after the adoption, if you choose
Moving Forward Together
In the end, although you need to remain calm and discuss your options with your girlfriend, the final decision will be hers. Find ways to help her if she asks for your help.
Some women prefer to make this decision independently. It can be difficult if her choice isn’t the same as yours, but you should take responsibility and ask how you can help. She may or may not want you involved, but offer help either way. If she chooses to raise her child, it’s likely that you will need to provide child support, especially if you prefer not to be actively involved in your child’s life.
If you and your girlfriend are both considering adoption, working together on this decision can strengthen your relationship and ensure that both of your voices are heard. Even if you have different initial feelings about adoption, open communication and professional guidance can help you find common ground.
Remember, choosing adoption doesn’t mean you don’t care about your child. Many birth fathers choose adoption because they want to give their child opportunities they can’t provide right now. It’s a loving and responsible decision that shows tremendous strength and maturity.
Get Help from Lifetime Adoption
Since this will be one of the biggest decisions of your lives, you don’t have to rush things. You have time to consider all your options. As you talk with your girlfriend, let her know she is not in this alone. You are stepping up and taking responsibility. So if you’re wondering, “My girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do?” remember, there are many things you can do.
If you are interested in working with your child’s mother to create an adoption plan or would like to learn more about adoption, you can call or text Lifetime Adoption 24/7 at 1-800-923-6784.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on April 30, 2021, and has since been updated.
As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.
Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.
As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.
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