Adoption Conversations: How & When to Tell a Child They’re Adopted

Many hopeful adoptive parents wonder, “What’s the expert guidance on when to tell a child they were adopted?” Because words matter, it’s good to pause and recognize that, rather than using the word “are,” “were” is a better choice. Adoption was a one-time event that happened in the past when a child joined their adoptive family. Being adopted is not a state of being or the child’s identity — so we say “…were adopted.” Details like adoption language become important as an adoptee begins to examine their identity.

Early and open communication about adoption is essential, but figuring out how to approach the topic can feel challenging. Below, we explore the most important factors adoptive parents should consider when sharing their child’s adoption story, along with practical tips for beginning those conversations from the earliest age.

 

Table of Contents

• Prepare Before You Adopt
• Be Honest
• Start Early
• Share in an Age-Appropriate Way
• What the Research Tells Us
• How to Talk About Birth Parents
• Practice Effective Communication Techniques
• Read Books Together
• Have Ongoing Conversations
• Address Common Concerns and Fantasies
• The Benefits of Honesty
• Frequently Asked Questions

Prepare Before You Adopt

While in the waiting phase of your adoption journey, prepare for these important conversations. Try role-playing how you’ll share your future child’s adoption story with them. Talk about your family’s story, and practice for when you bring your baby home. That way, you’re not just rolling into life as adoptive parents and putting off including the adoption story as part of sharing the beautiful truth about how you became a family.

Practice their adoption story in your mind, or role-play your answers to questions your child could ask. This preparation will help you feel more confident and natural when the time comes to share their story.

If you’re a two-parent family, it’s especially important that both of you coordinate what you plan to say. Both of you will need to be dedicated to talking about and sharing your child’s adoption story. This removes much of the stress from conversations and ensures your child receives consistent messages.

Your extended family and future child’s grandparents should have that education as well. Explain to them the importance of discussing and celebrating how your adopted child joined the family. This preparation helps ensure everyone in your child’s life will respond positively and supportively to adoption-related conversations.

“When should I tell my child about their adoption?”

“What if they don’t understand, or it makes them sad?”

“Why do some parents decide they’re not telling their child they are adopted?”

These are among the most common questions asked by hopeful adoptive parents. It’s natural to wonder when to tell your child they were adopted. How you’ll share about adoption depends on your child, their age, and whether you have an open adoption.

Be Honest

The old belief was that adoptive parents shouldn’t tell their children about the adoption. Adoption was a family secret, and parents felt as if they were ashamed to admit it. When the child inevitably found out, they felt alienated and betrayed by their parents, wondering what else they were hiding from them.

Keeping the adoption a secret was difficult to practice in real life, and it was also dishonest. It’s hard to maintain a lie this big forever because the extended family may knowingly or unknowingly let the cat out of the bag. Other times, 23andMe test results years down the road reveal the truth.

Thankfully, today, adoption experts recommend against withholding a child’s history from them. Psychologist Abbie E. Goldberg, who studies open adoption, wrote that, “This recommendation is based on years of research documenting the negative effects of secrecy on adopted individuals. Psychologists emphasize the long-term benefits trust builds between parents and their children, as well as the need adopted individuals have to know the truth about their origins in order to fully understand themselves and have healthy and meaningful relationships.”

Since adoption is a part of their life, not disclosing it is like lying. Honesty is your priority when telling your child their adoption story.

Start Early

Most adoption professionals, including myself, recommend you begin talking about your child’s adoption right away — from day one, even in infancy. Start using adoption language in your day-to-day life, even if your baby doesn’t yet understand what you’re saying.

Starting these conversations early means that when your child asks questions about who they are, you’ll already have the topic of adoption woven naturally into your family’s story. It will be as natural as your connection with them and an essential part of their understanding of themselves.

You might tell your child when they’re very young that they grew in someone else’s tummy and were placed in your home as soon as they were born. The point is to give the child a chance to embrace the idea of adoption from a very young age. This shapes their attitude toward adoption, builds their self-esteem, and provides them with a sense of security.

Share in an Age-Appropriate Way

Having age-appropriate conversations about adoption is vital to nurturing a healthy parent-child relationship. How you explain adoption to a two-year-old differs from what you say to a ten-year-old.

For preschoolers, you might use this concrete explanation: “Every person starts life in a woman’s tummy. When the baby is ready, the woman gives birth. Sometimes she is ready to be a mommy. Sometimes she isn’t ready because she’s going to school, or is too young, or can’t give her baby the things she wants for him. When this happens, she may choose another mommy and daddy to parent her child. This is adoption, and adoption is forever.”

For school-age children, they may become more curious about the specifics of their story. Parents can begin to share more facts and details. Many resources suggest that as a child finishes elementary school and heads into their pre-teen years, it is important that they know their whole story so they are not processing that information at the same time as the significant changes that come with adolescence.

For teenagers, maintaining open lines of communication is as important as ever. Identity formation takes center stage during the teen years. For adopted teens, grappling with their origins is crucial to forming a complete sense of self. If they’ve been misled about their origins, uncovering the truth later can trigger feelings of betrayal, shame, and guilt.

Practice Effective Communication Techniques

When sharing your child’s adoption story, keep these approaches in mind:

• Use positive adoption language whenever discussing their story
• Speak in a calm, casual manner — smile, snuggle, and be warm
• Use examples your child will relate to (neighbors, pets, friends’ families)
• End your talk by sharing how happy you are that they joined your family
• If one parent explains it, the other parent should reaffirm the conversation soon after

Use quiet, cozy times — like reading time or bedtime — to share your child’s adoption story. Positive emotions will become associated with your words, laying the groundwork for exploring more complex topics later.

What the Research Tells Us

The evidence for open adoption communication is clear and compelling. Research by Dr. David Brodzinsky found that adopted individuals who experience more open, direct, and non-defensive communication about adoption with their parents show more positive adjustment, not just in childhood, but even into adulthood.

In his own study, Brodzinsky found that greater communication openness was associated with higher levels of children’s self-esteem and lower levels of behavior problems reported by parents.

A study of 537 adopted children and families also found that children tended to ask more about their past lives one year after being adopted when their parents had talked about the past and their biological families from the beginning. This breaks what researchers describe as a “cycle of closed communication,” in which adoption goes undiscussed because parents wait for children to ask, and children perceive that their parents don’t wish to talk about it.

This research reinforces what adoption professionals have long advised: don’t wait for your child to bring it up. Just because children are not actively asking about their adoption stories does not mean they are not thinking about them. Parents can use casual “I wonder” prompts, such as, “I wonder if today feels hard because it’s your birth mom’s birthday,” to signal that adoption topics are welcome and safe to explore.

How to Talk About Birth Parents

One of the most sensitive aspects of telling a child their adoption story involves how to speak about their birth parents. The National Training and Development Curriculum for Foster and Adoptive Parents (NTDC) Life Story: Birth and Adoption Story training offers a powerful reminder that carries real weight: “Children come from their birth parents, so whatever people say about their birth parents is essentially what children feel is being said about them.”

This means that speaking negatively or dismissively about a child’s birth parents is not a neutral act. It lands on the child personally. Your goal should be to talk about birth parents with empathy and respect, even when the facts are difficult.

At the same time, children don’t want made-up or sanitized stories, either. If you don’t know the answer, honesty is always the right path. It is absolutely acceptable — and even healthy — for parents to say, “I don’t know, but I can help you try to find the answer to that question.” That response models honesty, preserves trust, and keeps the door open for future conversations.

Your child might want a connection with their birth parents someday. Growing your open adoption relationship with your child’s birth parents will make it that much more accessible when the time comes.

Talk about your child’s birth parents regularly throughout their life. On your child’s birthday, you might say something like, “I’m thinking of your birth mom today — that was a big day for all of us!” Or point out traits they share, like their birth mother’s eyes or birth father’s smile. This lets your child explore their identity in a positive, grounded way.

Read Books Together

Depending on your child’s age at adoption, you’ll want to adjust how you talk about it. If you adopted your child as a newborn, you can make adoption something they’ve always known about themselves. Add a few adoption-themed children’s books into storytime, such as:

• God Found Us You
• Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
• I’m Adopted!
• The Story of My Open Adoption

As you read, incorporate details from your child’s own story. These books encourage questions and natural conversation. Like all stories, your child’s adoption story will grow over time, and they’ll have all the parts they need to understand it.

Have Ongoing Conversations

The adoption conversation with your child will be ongoing, not a one-time event. As your child grows, they’ll develop the capacity to understand more complex concepts, and the conversations will evolve accordingly.

For example, when your child is a preschooler, you might explain that their birth mother wasn’t in a stable place to care for them. By adolescence, you might share that their birth mother faced addiction.

It’s important for children to have all relevant information by adolescence, not because they need to process everything at once. Because they deserve to know their own story before the emotional turbulence of the teenage years makes it harder to absorb.

Address Common Concerns and Fantasies

No matter how well-loved a child is, they may sometimes worry that their birth family didn’t care about them. They may also fantasize that birth parents are celebrities or superheroes. This is normal. It usually signals that your child trusts you enough to share what they’re thinking.

An adopted child may wonder what was wrong with them that caused their birth parents to make an adoption plan, and their self-esteem may suffer. You can reassure them: your birth parents love you. They made an adoption plan because they didn’t believe they could provide for them in the way they wished. You might say, “I know they would be very proud of you if they could know you now.”

Help your child understand that carrying a child and giving birth are among the greatest gifts a mother can have, and that parenting successfully is another. But these two things don’t always happen at the same time. You might explain, “She wanted so much for you and ensured we could give it to you. She was sad that she would not be able to be a parent to you, but was glad that she could find secure people ready to parent a child and build a family.”

It is natural for a child to feel hurt or upset as they grapple with what adoption means. But open, honest, caring conversations will significantly minimize that hurt over time.

The Benefits of Honesty

Maintaining your child’s trust isn’t the only benefit of telling them the truth about their adoption. You’re also:

• Protecting them from shock — an accidental disclosure by a relative or family friend can be devastating if they’ve never been told
• Giving them access to their family medical history, which can be vital if health issues arise
• Allowing them to learn about themselves — where they got their hair color, who they most resemble
• Preventing the shame that comes from secrecy — adoption is part of their story, and they have a right to know it

As Kim Stevens, adoptive parent and former Project Manager at the Center for Adoption Support and Education, has written: “In the absence of the truth, [children] are left to fill in gaps or create a story entirely on their own. Moreover, the lack of a dialogue about their family can lead them to believe that there is nothing positive or good in their background. And so, perhaps, there is nothing positive or good about themselves.”

If you have both biological and adopted children, make sure all your children feel equally valued and loved, especially when a new child joins the family through adoption. Reassure biological children that both ways of joining a family are wonderful, and that you love all your children equally.

Frequently Asked Questions: When to Tell a Child They Were Adopted

When is the best time to tell a child they were adopted?

The best time is as early as possible, ideally from infancy. Adoption professionals universally recommend making adoption part of your child’s story from day one, so they never remember a moment of not knowing. There is no “right age” to start; there is only the risk of waiting too long.

Is it ever too late to tell a child they were adopted?

While earlier is always better, it is never too late to tell the truth. If your child does not yet know, the most important step is to tell them as soon as possible, and with the help of an adoption-competent therapist if needed. Adult adoptees who discovered their adoption late consistently report that the secrecy, not the adoption itself, was the most damaging part.

What exactly should I say when I tell my child they were adopted?

Use calm, warm, and simple language suited to your child’s age. For young children, you might say: “You grew in another woman’s tummy, and when you were born, she chose us to be your family. That’s called adoption, and it means you are ours forever.” Revisit and expand the story as your child grows. There is no single script. What matters most is that the conversation is honest, loving, and ongoing.

How do I talk about my child’s birth parents without saying something harmful?

Speak about birth parents with respect and empathy. The NTDC Life Story training reminds parents that whatever is said about a child’s birth parents is essentially felt by the child as something being said about them. Focus on the reasons an adoption plan was made; circumstances, not character flaws. And if you don’t know an answer, it is perfectly appropriate to say, “I don’t know, but I can help you try to find the answer to that question.”

What if my child doesn’t ask questions about their adoption?

Don’t wait for questions to come. Research by Dr. David Brodzinsky found that children who don’t ask about adoption are often still thinking about it. They may simply sense that the topic feels uncomfortable to raise. Use gentle “I wonder” prompts to signal that it’s safe to talk, such as: “I wonder if you ever think about your birth mom.”

Will telling my child they were adopted hurt their self-esteem?

The research shows the opposite. Brodzinsky’s studies found that more communication openness about adoption was associated with higher levels of self-esteem in adopted children and fewer behavior problems. Secrecy, not honesty, is the greater risk to a child’s sense of self.

Should I use the word “adopted” or “were adopted”?

Use “were adopted.” Adoption was a one-time event. It is not your child’s identity or a permanent state of being. Saying your child “was adopted” honors the event without defining who they are as a person. This distinction becomes increasingly meaningful as adoptees explore their identity in their teen and adult years.

What if my child already knows they were adopted — do we still need to keep talking about it?

Yes. One conversation is never enough. As your child grows, their capacity to understand adoption deepens, and new questions will arise at each stage of development. Adoption professionals recommend ongoing, evolving conversations throughout childhood and adolescence so your child never feels the topic is closed.

Can I tell my child they were adopted before they can understand what it means?

Absolutely, and you should. Talking about adoption in infancy helps you get comfortable with the language before your child is old enough to process it. By the time they do understand, adoption will already feel like a natural, matter-of-fact part of their family story rather than a revelation.

What resources can help me explain adoption to my child?

Some helpful starting points include adoption-themed children’s books (like Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born or I’m Adopted!), Lifetime Adoption’s webinar Talking About Adoption With Your Child, and the NTDC’s Life Story: Birth and Adoption Story training module. If conversations become difficult, an adoption-competent therapist can also be an invaluable resource.

Lifetime Adoption

Many adoption agencies, including Lifetime, provide both pre- and post-adoption support. Contact your agency if you need help with a roadblock in your open adoption. Lifetime Adoption has been helping adoptive parents and birth parents navigate open adoptions since 1986, building bonds that benefit everyone — especially the child.

Learn more about sharing your child’s adoption story in Lifetime Adoption’s free educational webinar, “Talking About Adoption With Your Child.” Two experienced adoptive mothers share what helped their child understand their unique adoption story. Get tips on where to start and how to make adoption a topic open for discussion as your child grows.

 

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on September 26, 2018, and has since been updated.