Navigating Grief During the Holidays: A Reflective Guide

For many birth mothers, the holidays are a difficult time. On top of the stress of the holidays, dealing with all the family members you’ll see and the nosy questions they ask can be challenging. Plus, since the holidays often revolve around children, many birth mothers may face challenges during this season and its traditions.
 
It’s normal to feel like you’re missing out during this time. Navigating the holiday season, which can be challenging for many birth mothers, becomes more manageable with a few strategies. In this guide, you’ll find practical tips for managing grief and stress during the holidays.
 
You’ll also discover insights about the specific triggers that may catch you off guard, the complex emotions you might experience, strategies for birth mothers in closed adoptions, ideas for creating meaningful new traditions, and guidance on recognizing when you need additional support.
 
Whether this is your first holiday season after placement or your tenth, this article offers tools to help you navigate this challenging time with greater self-compassion and understanding.
 

Table of Contents

• Understanding Holiday Triggers
• Tips for Managing Grief During the Holidays
• Recognizing When You Need More Help
• Navigating Complex Emotions
• Creating New Traditions and Looking Forward
• How to Handle Grief During the Holidays

Understanding Holiday Triggers

The holiday season brings unique situations that can make your grief stronger. Being aware of these common triggers can help you prepare emotionally and develop coping strategies.
 
You might find it particularly difficult to see children around your child’s age opening presents, laughing with their families, or participating in holiday activities. Shopping for gifts for nieces, nephews, or friends’ children can stir up painful questions about what your child might like or what you would have chosen for them.
 
Family gatherings often include the traditional holiday photo, and you may feel your child’s absence acutely in these moments. Holiday cards from friends and family featuring their complete families can serve as painful reminders. You might also struggle with holiday traditions you once imagined sharing with your child, like baking cookies, decorating the tree, or reading bedtime stories on Christmas Eve.
 
The “firsts” can be especially challenging. Your first holiday season after placement is often the most intense, as you navigate unfamiliar territory. Each milestone—the first time you hear a certain song, attend a certain event, or celebrate without your child physically present—can feel overwhelming.
 

Tips for Managing Grief During the Holidays

1. Grieve Your Loss

It’s normal to feel a sense of loss during the holidays. Many birth moms have told us that it’s hard to see parents with their kids and not imagine what life would be like if they’d chosen to parent.
 
These feelings are entirely normal, even if you keep in touch with your child and have a good relationship with your child’s adoptive parents. We encourage you to acknowledge your grief instead of holding it in.
 
“During the holidays, the smallest of things would trigger waves of grief that felt unbearable. A Christmas card from the adoptive family. A newborn cry during a chorus of “Silent Night.” Watching my niece opening gifts on Christmas Day. While it wasn’t going to be easy, I’d learn to navigate through the heartache. I had to wrestle with my feelings and come to a place of understanding,” writes birth mother Adrian in her guest article on our blog.
 

2. Journal

Writing in a journal each day can do wonders for your mindset. Journaling can help you work through some of the heavy feelings associated with adoption. You can also use your journaling time to express gratitude for the positive things in your life, which provides you with something uplifting and positive to hold onto each day.
 

3. Honor Your Child

Many birth moms enjoy honoring their children during the holiday season. If you have an open adoption and can send gifts to your child, you might send something special.
 
Even if you can’t mail your child a gift, you could make a Christmas tree ornament or decoration in your child’s honor and keep it for yourself. You might create an annual ritual of writing your child a letter, making a charitable donation, or spending time in nature reflecting on the year. Some birth mothers plant a tree or perennial flowers that bloom each holiday season as a living memorial to their love for their child.
 

4. Remember Your “Why”

When holiday grief mounts, it can be hard to remember why you made an adoption plan in the first place. “I’d gaze at the twinkling lights on a Christmas tree and wonder how I’d ever survive the holidays without my daughter in my arms. During these moments of agony, I’d find a quiet spot and reflect on my decision to make an adoption plan,” shares Adrian.
 
Remember what your motivation was to choose adoption, your “why.” Why did you place your child for adoption? For many birth mothers, the answers are clear. They chose adoption out love for their child and wanting to provide them with the best life possible. When you’re swamped with regret and grief, it can help to hold onto your reason, your “why.”
 

5. Take Care of Yourself

Taking a break is fine if you feel overwhelmed and stressed out because the holidays are approaching. Focusing on self-care right now can help. You might invite friends, bake delicious treats, and have a “spa night.” Or maybe what self-care looks like to you is taking a hike at a nearby trail, devouring a new book, or getting a mani/pedi.
 
Do whatever self-care activity you enjoy, and that brings you peace! Give yourself some time off of the holiday events when you need it. That means it’s OK to decline some invites. You don’t need to accept every holiday party invitation.
 
“To my fellow birth mom that are struggling with feelings of grief and loss: Find things that bring you joy. Clothe yourself in friendship. Invite a friend to coffee. Go out to a movie. Journal. Join a birth mom support group or befriend a birth mom who is earlier in her adoption journey than you are. Find something that brings a sense of purpose and meaning. Don’t compromise on your worth,” encourages Adrian.
 

6. Reach Out to the Adoptive Parents

If you keep in contact with your child’s adoptive parents, you might reach out to them. Request photos and videos of the holiday festivities that your child is experiencing. Many birth mothers find it reassuring to know that their child is happy and healthy.
 
It can affirm that you have made the right choice for your child. If you can’t talk on the phone or meet up during the holiday season, you could write a letter to your child’s adoptive parents.
 
And if you’re hoping for holiday updates or photos and haven’t received them, consider reaching out with a gentle reminder. Adoptive parents may be caught up in the busy holiday season and not realize how much these updates mean to you. A simple message like “I’d love to see how [child’s name] is enjoying the holidays when you have a moment” can open the door to communication.
 
However, also prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility that responses might not come as quickly as you’d like during this hectic time of year. Having backup support systems in place can help you manage disappointment if communication doesn’t meet your expectations.
 

7. Prepare for Uncomfortable Situations

Prepare for uncomfortable situations and to be asked difficult questions. For example, some people use holiday gatherings to announce their pregnancy. Or a parent could ask you to keep an eye on their child, and you may feel awkward telling them you are uncomfortable with that.
 
Being with your family during the holidays can bring up some uncomfortable situations and questions. People may ask if you have any kids, how many you have, or when you plan to have a baby. You might also get questions from people who saw you pregnant and are now curious about what happened. It can help if you prepare beforehand and brainstorm how to answer their prying questions.
 

8. Seek Peer Support

You’re not alone if you’re coping with negative thoughts and emotions during the holidays. You may feel alone or like nobody understands, but there are thousands of other birth mothers going through a difficult time, too.
 
What’s helped many women is to reach out to another birth mother, which is also called Peer Support. As birth mothers, you may have similar experiences, so you can share tips and empathize with each other. Learn more here about our Peer Support Program.
 

9. Get Support from Friends & Family

Support from family members and friends who understand can also help you through the holidays. The good news about leaning on people in your life is that they already know your story. They may even be a part of it.
 
Some friends you rely on might be out of town for the holidays. With them not being nearly as available to you as they usually are, you should discuss setting up a system for times when you need more support than usual. A code word you text them could signal your friend to call you for a chat.
 
Many people who love you may be unsure how to support you best. You can provide clear guidance about what you need from them, even if it’s just a listening ear.
 

10. Pursue Professional Support

Professional support, which is accessible from caseworkers, counselors, and therapists, is available to help you through the holidays as well. Adoption stress and grief during the holidays can make you feel as if you regret your decision. You may need to do some soul-searching with the help of a professional.
 

Recognizing When You Need More Help

While grief during the holidays is expected and normal for birth mothers, it’s important to recognize when your feelings may be crossing into territory that requires additional professional support.
 
Holiday grief becomes a problem when it makes it hard for you to do normal daily things. If you’re finding it difficult to get out of bed, shower, eat regularly, or go to work or school for an extended period, these may be signs that your grief has become clinical depression.
 
Other warning signs include long-lasting thoughts of hopelessness, feeling that life isn’t worth living, withdrawing completely from friends and family, using alcohol or drugs to numb your emotions, or experiencing thoughts of self-harm. If you find yourself fixating on thoughts of wanting to end your life, this is a crisis situation that requires immediate help.
 
Physical symptoms can also indicate that your emotional distress needs professional attention. Severe sleep disruption (either sleeping too much or too little), significant changes in appetite or weight, or physical symptoms like chest pain, headaches, or stomach problems that have no medical explanation may all be signs of overwhelming grief.
 
If you recognize any of these warning signs in yourself, please reach out for help immediately. You deserve support, and these feelings can be treated with proper care.
 

Crisis Resources

If you’re in immediate crisis or having thoughts of self-harm, please contact:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (call or text)
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

For ongoing support:

• Contact your adoption agency’s counseling services
• Reach out to a therapist who specializes in adoption or grief
• Connect with birth mother support groups in your area or online
• Call your doctor to discuss your symptoms and get a referral for mental health services

Remember, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Taking care of your mental health is essential, and you don’t have to navigate these dark feelings alone.
 

Navigating Complex Emotions

Grief during the holidays is rarely simple or one-dimensional. You may experience a tangle of conflicting emotions that can feel confusing or even make you feel guilty. Understanding that these complex feelings are completely normal can help you process them with more self-compassion.
 
It’s entirely possible to feel genuine joy knowing your child is celebrating the holidays in a loving home while at the same time grieving not being there to witness those moments yourself. You might feel happy when you receive photos of your child’s excited face opening presents, yet feel sad that you’re not the one handing them those gifts. These mixed emotions can exist together, and neither invalidates the other.
 
Some birth mothers experience feelings of jealousy or envy toward the adoptive parents during the holidays. You might find yourself wishing you could be the one reading bedtime stories on Christmas Eve, teaching your child about family traditions, or seeing their face light up on Christmas morning. These feelings don’t mean you made the wrong decision or that you don’t want the best for your child. They’re a natural human response to loss and longing.
 
You may also feel excluded from the memories being created. When adoptive families share stories about “our first Christmas together” or create new traditions, you might feel like an outsider to your child’s life story, even in open adoptions where you maintain contact. This sense of being left out of such important moments can be deeply painful.
 
Allow yourself to acknowledge these complicated emotions without judgment. They’re part of your healing journey, not signs of weakness or evidence that something is wrong with you.
 

Creating New Traditions and Looking Forward

While honoring your grief is important, also consider how you might create meaningful experiences during the holidays that nurture your healing and growth.
 
Many birth mothers find that starting new personal traditions helps them navigate the season with more purpose. This might mean volunteering at a local shelter, starting a creative project, taking a special trip, or beginning a new hobby that brings you joy during this challenging time. These new traditions don’t replace what you’ve lost, but they can help you build a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
 
Over time, you may find that your relationship with the holidays evolves. The raw, overwhelming grief of the first few holiday seasons often gradually transforms into something more manageable. Many birth mothers report that while they always feel their child’s absence during the holidays, the intensity of the pain lessens with time. You may develop a greater capacity to hold both sorrow and joy at the same time.
 
This doesn’t mean you’ll stop missing your child or that the holidays will become easy. Rather, you may develop stronger coping skills and a deeper self-understanding of your grief. You might find that certain years are harder than others, and that’s okay, too.
 
Looking toward the future, consider what kind of relationship you want to build with the holiday season. Do you want to reclaim it as a time of joy, even amidst the grief? Are there ways you can honor your experience as a birth mother while also celebrating life’s ongoing possibilities? These questions don’t demand immediate answers, but contemplating them can help you navigate the holidays with greater intention.
 

How to Handle Grief During the Holidays

The bottom line is that you have plenty of reasons to feel stressed or sad as the holidays approach. At the same time, there are many reasons to feel thankful. The fact that your child is growing up in a loving home with two stable parents is something that you can express gratitude for. No matter how you feel this holiday season, know it’s normal.
 
When you face grief during the holidays, remember that this too shall pass. Grief is a normal part of the healing process. Let go of guilt and shame. Believe that you can accomplish great things and have a beautiful future ahead of you. You will not be trapped in anguish forever. Remain focused on the good in your life and the blessing you’ve provided your child through adoption. You are valuable and deserve peace and love this holiday season!
 

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on December 19, 2019, and has since been updated.