“I’m raising 2 kids, and my baby’s father has 3 kids from 3 different baby mamas. I had a pregnancy scare a few months ago, and he told me that he’d pay for me to get an abortion. So I know how he’ll react when I tell him I’m pregnant for real this time! Since I know my parents will be super disappointed in me, I’m not telling my family about my pregnancy. I think that adopting out my baby is going to be best. Can I still choose adoption even if I’m keeping my pregnancy news private?”
Lifetime Adoption often receives questions like this about hiding a pregnancy. If this is your question, too, please know you aren’t alone.
Many women facing an unplanned pregnancy feel alone and don’t want to share their news with friends, family, and even sometimes their baby’s father. They feel unsure if telling anybody about their pregnancy is a good idea, especially since they are choosing adoption. Fear of how those close to them will react drives them to keep their pregnancy secret.
When you’re hiding a pregnancy, it’s entirely possible to make a private adoption plan. Keep reading for more information on the confidential, anonymous, and compassionate help available to you from Lifetime Adoption.
Should I Tell My Family About My Pregnancy?
Not telling your family about your pregnancy is a personal choice. Some young women hide a pregnancy because they’re scared of how their parents will react. They may not be ready to become a mom because they’re still in school or don’t have the resources needed.
Others make the announcement when they’re barely even pregnant, telling all of their friends and family. Some women have announced a pregnancy in the past but experienced a miscarriage. They naturally want to avoid the painful experience of sharing that heartbreaking news.
You may be worried that if you tell one person you’re pregnant, they will gossip and share the news with lots of people. But one person you can confidentially tell about your pregnancy is a Lifetime adoption specialist. She will walk you through the adoption process and explain your options.
Your adoption specialist will discuss keeping your pregnancy a secret with you. It is almost always better to have someone you can lean on in your life. You may be afraid of your parents, friends, or boyfriend’s reactions, but they may surprise you.
It is also challenging, both emotionally and physically, to keep your pregnancy to yourself. That baby bump will start to show itself, and you will feel the effects of all those hormones on your body. If you are determined to keep your pregnancy to yourself, your adoption specialist will help you get the support and resources you need to maintain your privacy.
Take Time to Process Where You’re At
Understanding and acknowledging your emotions and thoughts about your pregnancy is important before even thinking about sharing the news with others. Reflecting on how far along you are and considering your own plans, hopes, and concerns will allow you to approach the conversation with self-awareness and clarity.
Gaining a better understanding of your emotions and needs will help you communicate effectively with your parents. Processing your current situation during pregnancy helps you prepare for the discussion and empowers you to confidently navigate the conversation.
Pros and Cons of Not Telling Family About Your Pregnancy
Deciding if you’ll announce your pregnancy is a personal choice based on various factors. Here are some pros and cons to help as you weigh your decision:
Pros
- Support Network: Sharing the news early means you can have the support of friends and family during the challenging early stages of pregnancy. Morning sickness and fatigue can be difficult to manage alone, and having someone to lean on can be a great comfort.
- Excitement and Planning: Discussing your pregnancy with loved ones can be a joyful experience. You can share the excitement of preparing for the new arrival together.
Cons
- Increased Attention: Once you announce your pregnancy, be prepared for a lot of attention and questions. People may ask how you’re feeling and might even want to touch your belly, which can sometimes feel intrusive.
- Handling a Miscarriage: Unfortunately, miscarriages can happen, especially in the early stages of pregnancy. Announcing your pregnancy early means you might have to deal with public grief if you experience a loss. Consider whether you’re comfortable sharing such personal news widely or if you’d prefer to keep it within a close support circle.
Ultimately, the decision to announce your pregnancy is deeply personal. Weighing these pros and cons can help you make the choice that feels right for you.
Adoption is Confidential
Adoption is a very personal choice, and you have the right to tell or not to tell whomever you feel comfortable with. Keeping your adoption plans confidential is absolutely an option for you, and you do not have to think of anyone but yourself and your child. If you know in your heart that adoption is in your baby’s best interests, no one should try to convince you otherwise.
Lifetime will keep your adoption plans private. If your adoption specialist needs to mail anything to you, she’ll send it in an unmarked envelope or package. When we call you, the call will show up as “Unknown.” Your privacy is very important to us.
It’s also possible to move temporarily to complete an adoption. Know that there’s a way to keep both your pregnancy and your adoption private.
You’re in control of the adoption process at Lifetime: you pick the adoptive family who will raise your child. You can get updates on your child through pictures, emails, social media posts, and visits. All of Lifetime’s adoption services to you are completely free, and you might also be able to get help with pregnancy-related expenses.
Counseling is Available
If you change your mind and would like to share your news, your adoption specialist will have tips and advice on sharing your pregnancy news with those in your life.
She can also connect you with a licensed counselor and a woman from our peer support network. This woman chose adoption for her baby, so she has been where you are right now. She can share her experience and be a shoulder to lean on. She’s someone you can talk to who really understands what you are going through.
It is important that if you feel there is a threat that harm could come to you or your baby by revealing your pregnancy, you need to contact your adoption professional, lawyer, or counselor before sharing it with the person you fear.
Which Type of Adoption is Right for Me?
You’ll want to consider if you wish to keep your pregnancy secret from just your family or keep your personal information private from the family adopting your baby.
In a closed adoption, you will not have access to the adoptive parents’ information, and they will not have access to yours. Your agency will choose your baby’s adoptive parents.
Some birth mothers choose this option because they feel it will give them a sense of closure, and they can move forward with their lives. But if you decide to keep your personal info hidden from the adoptive parents you choose for your baby, you won’t be able to contact your child in the future. Likewise, they won’t be able to contact you once they’re older. They won’t grow up knowing of you and that you chose adoption out of love.
Open Adoption
Open adoption has many benefits for all involved. First, you can choose the adoptive parents you feel are perfect for your baby. Lifetime Adoption has hopeful adoptive parents from all walks of life. On our website, you’ll see couples of various races and professions with all kinds of different hobbies. You can read about them and watch their videos to decide who you want to get to know. We can help guide you through that process so you can be sure you are comfortable with your decision.
You can receive updates on your child as they grow up through emails, photos, and phone calls. You can even arrange to visit the adoptive family and your child once or twice a year if you would like. Seeing your child thrive in their loving adoptive home gives you peace of mind. The adoptive couple has access to medical family history and has information on the birth parents to share with their child when they have questions.
Most importantly, your child will see benefits from open adoption. Studies have shown that adopted children who know who their birth parents are and why they chose adoption tend to have higher self-esteem and a sense of identity. However, open adoption is not the right fit for everyone.
Take Your Time
Some birth mothers feel that getting those updates and photos will bring up the pain of having placed their child for adoption. Other birth mothers want to maintain their privacy and do not want their personal information shared. There is no right or wrong. You need to do what feels right for you and your situation.
When choosing which type of adoption is right for you, take your time. Consider how you might feel in a year or two. You can have an open adoption but ask for time before receiving updates, but a closed adoption is difficult to change. When experiencing an unexpected pregnancy, there is a common desire to get through it and leave that chapter of your life behind you.
Lifetime Adoption
Some women choose to tell only a few close friends or family members they’re pregnant, while others aren’t as worried about keeping it a secret. It’s completely up to you who you tell about your pregnancy.
Lifetime Adoption has been helping women with confidential adoptions since 1986. If you’re wondering when to tell family about a pregnancy, call and speak with a caring adoption specialist today at 1-800-923-6784. You can also just text us if you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone just yet. Your information will remain confidential, and we will protect your privacy.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on July 8, 2021, and has since been updated.
As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.
Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.
As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.
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