If you’re pregnant and considering adoption, you and your baby’s father may not see eye-to-eye. Differing opinions on the best course of action may arise. Even if adoption is the best choice for you, your baby’s father may have a different perspective. You might wonder if you need the father’s consent for adoption.
Adoption is an emotional matter of the heart that you should handle with care. Your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime is an invaluable resource, particularly in difficult moments.
✦ Key Takeaways
Adoption without the father’s consent is complex and depends on communication, legal rights, and state laws. This blog explains when consent is necessary and how to handle disagreements. You’ll learn:
- How to approach and navigate the adoption conversation with your baby’s father
- Common reasons fathers may resist adoption and how education on open adoption can help
- The father’s legal rights, including establishing paternity, custody, and financial support requirements
- Situations where adoption without the father’s consent may be possible (e.g., inability to locate him or unfitness)
- What happens if a father contests adoption and how courts determine the child’s best interests
- Options that exist if the father refuses or is unfit
Table of Contents
- Having the Adoption Conversation
- Why Won’t the Birth Father Consent to Adoption?
- What Are the Father’s Rights and Responsibilities?
- What If I Can’t Locate the Father?
- Can I Place a Child if an Unfit Father is Contesting Adoption?
- What if He Just Won’t Agree to Adoption?
- Can a Birth Father Stop an Adoption?
Having the Adoption Conversation
If adoption is the best choice for you and your baby, you might wonder how to discuss the topic with your baby’s father. Approaching the subject with him requires careful planning. It could become an emotional conversation for both of you, but having a plan can make it easier to bring up.
Before you talk with him, write your thoughts down on paper or in a note on your phone. Then, practice what you plan to say in front of a friend or your adoption coordinator and ask for their feedback.
Once you sit down and talk with your baby’s father, calmly tell him why you’re thinking about adoption. Share your reasons for considering adoption. Letting him know why you’ve chosen this path is helpful. Explaining the benefits of modern, open adoption and his role will help him understand your choice.
Then once you’ve had this conversation, your baby’s father may feel relieved that you have a plan. When you’re talking to him about your decision, be sure to include:
- Why you chose adoption
- How many choices modern, open adoption gives the two of you
- What he must do to provide consent for the adoption
“I was nervous to tell my boyfriend I was thinking about adoption,” says Maddy, a birth mother. “In the end, I decided to just be upfront with him. I told him, ‘We need to give our baby up for adoption. There’s no way we can afford everything a child needs, like health insurance and education!'”
“He said his family was pressuring him to ‘step up’ and be a man by stopping the adoption. But he came around once I told him he could help me choose a family. And we wouldn’t be saying goodbye to our baby forever.”
Why Won’t the Birth Father Consent to Adoption?
An unplanned pregnancy is a difficult situation for fathers too. They also feel the pressure of an uncertain future and society’s expectations. Lack of information can also lead fathers to have a knee-jerk reaction against adoption.
Understanding why he won’t consent to adoption can help you have a more productive conversation. Understanding the reasons behind his reluctance is crucial:
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Is he pressuring you to get an abortion?
Your baby’s father might think that abortion is a quick fix to make this situation go away. He might not fully realize the lasting physical and psychological impacts of such a permanent choice.
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Does he feel like it’s his responsibility to provide for his child?
For some men, this is a matter of pride. Some fathers may feel it’s their duty to provide. However, the reality is that allowing an adoption to happen might be the strongest, most responsible choice.
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Is he getting pressure from his family or friends to “step up?”
Even though this is your baby, it can sometimes feel like everyone in your circle wants to offer their two cents. Well-meaning family and friends might even offer to help you and the father share the responsibility.
A support system is crucial. However, the 24/7 job of parenting always falls on mothers and fathers. That’s why this must be your decision.
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Does he understand how modern open adoption works?
Many people still need information about what adoption can look like today. Does the father know that consenting to adoption does not necessarily mean saying goodbye to his child forever? Ensuring he understands the workings of modern, open adoption can resolve any misunderstandings.
What Are the Father’s Rights and Responsibilities?
Legally, the father has the same rights to his child as you. This means that the birth father does have to agree to the adoption. Open communication from the beginning is crucial.
If the father opposes adoption, he must fulfill paternal obligations, including establishing paternity, filing for custody, and providing child support. Be honest from the start and try to work out a plan before you place your baby for adoption.
If a father truly wants to stop the adoption process, he must fulfill the following paternal obligations:
- The father must establish paternity. You can recognize him as the father, or he can take a paternity test if there is any uncertainty.
- The father must file for custody. If you can come to an agreement on a custody plan, this will be best. But you may need to bring this to court if you cannot come to a resolution or if one parent is legally unfit.
- The father must provide child support. If the father does not consent to adoption, he should show that he can financially support his child. That means he should provide you with financial support during your pregnancy. Depending on the laws in your state, if the father does not provide child support, he may not be able to stop the adoption. Your Adoption Coordinator can get you connected to a knowledgeable adoption attorney for assistance.
The father of your baby may also have a deadline for stopping the adoption process. In some states, failure to act is the same as giving consent for the adoption. Consult with an attorney to discuss your specific circumstances and the laws in your state.
What If I Can’t Locate the Father?
If you can’t locate your baby’s father, you may still be able to choose adoption. However, you need to be sure you can prove that you have made every effort to contact him first.
If you can’t locate the father, proving your efforts to contact him is essential. In cases where the father is unfit, legal avenues may allow adoption without his consent.
Can I Place a Child if an Unfit Father is Contesting Adoption?
If a court decides that the father is unfit, you may be able to choose adoption without the father’s consent. A court may come to that decision for the following reasons:
- If you are in an abusive relationship and the father is a threat to you
- If the father has a history of drug abuse
- If the father is a felon
- If the father does not have adequate housing
- If the father can’t hold down steady employment
Every situation is different, so speak to an attorney if any of these scenarios apply to you. We are not legal experts, so this information does not constitute legal advice.
What if He Just Won’t Agree to Adoption?
So, what should you do if the father is against the adoption? Being honest with the father of your baby from the start is crucial. Let him know about your pregnancy in person or over the phone. If the situation is violent or dangerous, Lifetime Adoption can provide an attorney who will speak with him directly.
You may just need to give the father time to process this news. He may come around once he has had a chance to think about what this new future will look like.
The best way to help your baby’s father understand your desire to choose adoption is to involve him in the process. Speak with the adoption professional together. He might get on board once you talk to him about your options and he learns about what open adoption truly is.
Fathers can be part of open adoption plans, too. You can work together to select the perfect adoptive parents and decide on the amount of communication you wish to maintain after your baby’s birth. He can even have a separate relationship with the adoptive family if you are no longer together.
Education about open adoption is crucial for fathers. Once they understand it as a loving, selfless choice, they may realize they won’t be giving anything up.
Can a Birth Father Stop an Adoption?
In most states, a biological father can legally challenge an adoption. However, this is possible only if he can prove his parental rights and demonstrate a relationship with the child. If he does not establish formal paternity or maintain a meaningful connection, courts may not recognize his rights. He must provide financial support and active involvement.
If he does meet these requirements and objects, the court typically holds a hearing. They’ll determine if adoption is in the child’s best interest. If he doesn’t act quickly and file notice within the required deadlines, the adoption goes through without his consent.
Adoption is complex, especially when the father opposes the decision. This choice requires thoughtful communication, understanding, and professional guidance.
To learn more, please call or text Lifetime Adoption at 1-800-923-6784.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on July 2, 2020, and has since been updated.
As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.
Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.
As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.
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