What Should I Do for a Birthday for My Child as a Birth Parent?

Your child’s birthday is a day that carries enormous weight. If you’re a birth parent wondering what to do for a birthday when you aren’t raising your child, you’re not alone, and there is no single right answer.
 
Whether your open adoption includes regular contact or you observe the day privately, there are meaningful, healthy ways to honor the occasion. Here are ideas for celebrating your child’s birthday, from reaching out to the adoptive family to honoring the day entirely on your own.
 

Quick Summary: 6 Things to Do for Your Child’s Birthday as a Birth Parent

• Reach out to the adoptive family about joining the celebration (in person or virtually)
• Gather supportive family and friends for a small dinner or get-together
• Honor the day privately: light a candle, bake a cake, plant a tree, or create something meaningful
• Write your child a birthday letter, even if you don’t send it
• Send a milestone-appropriate gift if your open adoption agreement allows it
• Practice self-care and reach out to your Adoption Coordinator if you need extra support

1. Celebrating Your Child’s Birthday With the Adoptive Family

If the adoptive family has included you in other major events of your child’s life, they may invite you to share in the birthday celebration. Some birth parents connect with the adoptive family over video call for a virtual celebration. Others attend in person if the adoption plan allows it.
 
Either way, the adoptive parents will guide the celebration plans, so follow their lead on what your involvement looks like. If you’re not spending the day with your child and the adoptive family, there are still many ways to honor the occasion.
 

2. Gather Family and Friends Around You

You don’t have to mark your child’s birthday alone. Consider inviting family members or close friends over for a small dinner or gathering.
 
If the people in your life are supportive and understand your adoption story, sharing your feelings with them can bring real comfort. If not, it can be enough simply to be around people you love and remember the significance of the day quietly.
 

3. What to Do for a Birthday When You’re Celebrating on Your Own

As your child’s birthday approaches, your emotions may be all over the place. You may feel grateful for the loving family you chose for your child, and also feel sadness or loneliness. Many birth mothers feel a sense of loss around this time of year, and all of it is valid.
 
Here are some quiet, personal ways to honor the day:

• Bake a cake or light a candle in your child’s honor each year.
• Name a star after your child through a service like the International Star Registry.
• Plant a tree or tend to a garden dedicated to them.
• Create a piece of art — a painting, a collage, a photo display — as a tribute.
• Start a journal entry on their birthday each year, documenting how you’re feeling and what you hope for them.

Activities like these give structure to the day and can bring a real sense of peace.
 

4. Connect With Your Child in a Personal Way

Whether you’re spending the day together or observing it from a distance, writing your child a letter is one of the most meaningful things you can do. Many birth mothers write their child a heartfelt letter each year on their birthday. Share what’s in your heart, update them on your life, and tell them what you hope for their future. You don’t even need to mail it. The act of writing alone can be healing.
 
If your open adoption agreement allows gifts, a card or small package is another way to make the connection tangible. Always confirm with the adoptive family before sending anything to their home.
 
 

5. Ideas for Celebrating Birthday Milestones as a Birth Parent

Some birthdays carry extra weight. Here are thoughtful ideas for the major milestones:
 
First Birthday
Consider sending a children’s book with an adoption theme. Adoptive parents are encouraged to share their child’s adoption story from a very young age, so a book like this is often welcomed and treasured. Take a look at our list of favorite children’s books about adoption for ideas.
 
13th Birthday
A meaningful keepsake — a piece of jewelry, a family heirloom, or a favorite stuffed animal from your own childhood — makes a deeply personal gift for a teenager who is beginning to form their identity.
 
Sweet 16
A scrapbook or photo album featuring keepsakes, letters, and photos from your life gives your child a window into who you are. At 16, many adoptees are becoming genuinely curious about their birth family.
 
18th Birthday
Your child may have questions about your adoption decision by now, and they may want to meet more members of your birth family. Be honest, be open, and think through your response to that possibility before the conversation comes up.
 
21st Birthday
The beginning of adulthood is a significant milestone. If your relationship allows it, this is a beautiful time to plan a shared experience — a day trip, a dinner, or a small trip — to begin creating memories together as adults. Whatever you do, make sure it aligns with any contact agreements in your adoption plan.
 

6. Therapy and Self-Care on Your Child’s Birthday

Practicing self-care on your child’s birthday is not just allowed, it’s encouraged. A spa day, a special dinner out, a concert, or a long walk in nature can all help you process the emotions that come with the day. Be gentle with yourself.
 
If you find that your child’s birthday consistently brings up grief or anxiety that feels unmanageable, please reach out. Your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime can connect you with a licensed therapist who specializes in birth parent support.
 

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel sad on my child’s birthday after placing them for adoption?

Yes, completely. Grief and loss are a normal part of the birth parent experience, and they often resurface on your child’s birthday. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, and even gratitude can all exist at once. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up.
 

Can I send my child a birthday gift after placing them for adoption?

It depends on your open adoption agreement and your relationship with the adoptive family. Before sending any gifts to their home, always check in with the adoptive parents first. Your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime can help you navigate this conversation.
 

What should I do if I don’t have contact with my child on their birthday?

You can still celebrate and honor the day in meaningful ways. Many birth parents light a candle, write a letter, plant something in their child’s honor, or simply gather loved ones around them. The day belongs to you too — how you observe it is entirely personal.
 

How can I reach out to the adoptive family about my child’s birthday?

If your adoption plan includes open communication, a simple, warm message to the adoptive parents expressing that you’d love to be part of the celebration — even virtually — is a perfectly appropriate way to start that conversation. Follow their lead and respect whatever boundaries they set.
 

Finding Peace on Your Child’s Birthday

There is no perfect way to spend your child’s birthday as a birth parent. Whether you share in the celebration, mark the day privately, or simply allow yourself to feel the full weight of it, you are honoring something real and important. Give yourself grace.
 
If you need support navigating your child’s birthday, call or text Lifetime Adoption at 1-800-923-6784. We’re here to help.
 

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Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on September 9, 2022, and has since been updated.