When you’re looking at profiles of adoptive families, there are plenty of things to consider. Do they live in an urban or rural area? Does one of them plan to be a stay-at-home parent? What faith do they follow? Would you like the adoptive family to have the same ethnicity as you?
Each of these questions is important when you’re choosing parents for your baby. But what about where the adoptive family lives? You might think that if you would like to have in-person meet-ups in the future, you have to choose an adoptive family that lives close to you. In this article, we’ll explore how distance affects adoption relationships and show you why geography doesn’t have to limit your choices when finding the perfect family for your baby.
Table of Contents
- Is Distance in Adoption Important?
- Communication in Modern Adoption
- Open Adoption If the Adoptive Family Lives Far Away
- How Much Contact Will I Need?
- Building Your Relationship Regardless of Distance
- Making a Connection With the Family You Chose
- The Choices Are Yours
Is Distance in Adoption Important?
How far away the adoptive couple lives might play a role in how life looks post-adoption. Distance may not be the first thing that comes to your mind when looking at adoptive parents, and that’s just fine. You should consider the things that matter most to you first. For example, the couple’s religion could matter more to you than how close they live.
You might think that you have to choose an adoptive couple who live close to you if you’d like to have visits with them and your child. But with modern technology, you can stay in touch and get updates on your child through a variety of methods.
For example, many birth mothers and adoptive families will schedule a Skype or FaceTime call. Or, the adoptive parents might set up a private Facebook or Instagram account for the sole purpose of sharing updates with the birth parents.
Communication in Modern Adoption
Most adoptions today are open. What does this mean for you? That there’s a good possibility you’ll stay in touch with the adoptive parents before and after placement.
Are you wondering how open your adoption will be? This is something that you get to decide. You’re in charge of your adoption process. With the help of your Adoption Coordinator, you can decide how much communication you want to have with the adoptive parents and what kind of communication you’d like it to be. Your preferences, whether it’s photo updates emailed to you every few months, or video chats to catch up, are what matter most. Some open adoptions also include in-person meet-ups.
This is where distance in adoption comes into play. It can play a role in defining the type of communication you will have with the adoptive family.
Open Adoption If the Adoptive Family Lives Far Away
With technology, “long-distance” relationships don’t seem so far away. By just tapping a screen, you can speak to someone across the country face-to-face. It used to be that distance blocked most forms of personal communication. But today, that barrier doesn’t stop people from communicating. This means that even if the adoptive family lives far away, you can still maintain a close relationship with them and your child.
Distance doesn’t mean you can’t have in-person contact with the adoptive parents and your child. Travel can be logistically challenging, but it doesn’t have to be. Lifetime Adoption has worked with birth mothers who made arrangements with the adoptive family to meet halfway.
For example, if you live in California, but the adoptive family lives in Minnesota, meeting in an in-between state like Nebraska or Colorado makes travel easier on both of you. Or, the adoptive couple may have family or friends who live in your state, so they can stop to visit you on the way.
How Much Contact Will I Need?
At the end of the day, it’s up to you how much contact you would like to have. Your Adoption Coordinator will send you adoptive parent profiles whose communication wishes match your own. So if you’d like visits each year with the adoptive parents, your Adoption Coordinator is going to help you find hopeful parents who are ready to make that happen. Your decisions and preferences are what guide the adoption process.
Once you select the adoptive family, you can form your own unique post-placement communication agreement with them. Most adoptive families at Lifetime Adoption are open to visits once a year, and many are willing to meet more often than that.
Whether an adoptive family lives far away shouldn’t be the determining factor in your decision. There are tons of other qualities that make an adoptive couple perfect for your baby. We recommend that you keep those things at the top of your list of priorities. Living close by can be great, but people move, and distance doesn’t have to determine communication. Distance is something to consider, but not something to base your choice on.
Building Your Relationship Regardless of Distance
After reading through adoptive family profiles and considering all the important factors—their values, lifestyle, faith, and yes, even where they live—you’ve made your choice. You’ve found the family that feels right for your baby. Now comes the exciting part: building a meaningful relationship with them during your pregnancy.
Distance doesn’t have to be a barrier to forming a strong connection with your chosen adoptive family. With modern technology, you can stay in touch and get updates through a variety of methods, including video calls and private social media accounts. Whether your chosen family lives across town or across the country, there are many ways to get to know each other and build the foundation for your ongoing relationship.
Making a Connection With the Family You Chose
Since you’ll be a part of each other’s lives for years to come, it’s a good idea to get to know your child’s adoptive parents throughout your pregnancy. This will allow you to feel positive about the decisions you make. Here are 4 ways you can connect with the adoptive couple:
Over the Phone
When you speak with the adoptive couple on the phone, you can talk about your pregnancy, what you want for your child as they grow up, and how involved you’d like to be.
Your adoption match should be a conversational and cooperative journey between you and the adoptive parents. So, let this be a two-way conversation where you share your wishes. Your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime will help you and the adoptive parents make a connection throughout the entire process.
Through Emails or Texts
If talking on the phone with the couple seems intimidating to you, you might start by emailing or texting back and forth with them. Here’s a way to think about it: you’re trying to get to know a new friend, and you already have one of the most important people in your life in common.
Meeting Up
Lifetime encourages you to have a face-to-face meeting because it allows everyone to feel more comfortable with each other. Just think how much more comfortable you will feel by having been able to meet the adoptive couple before you give birth.
Meeting in person shows that they care about you, and not just the baby. We recommend that you choose a public, casual location at first, so there’s no pressure.
At the Hospital
The adoptive parents you’ve chosen will want to be at the hospital when your baby is born. In an open adoption, you remain at the center of all the important decisions. You get to choose who shares in these precious moments with your baby—who gets to hold them, who can visit, and who you’d like by your side in the delivery room. These meaningful choices are entirely yours to make.
It’s smart to think about how your hospital stay will go down before you go into labor. Here are some questions to consider:
- Do you want one of your family members or friends with you at the hospital?
- How much time do you want alone with your baby after birth?
- Do you want to leave the hospital at the same time as your child’s adoptive family?
The Choices Are Yours
It’s up to you how much contact you’d like to have with the adoptive couple before placement. If you’re hoping for an open adoption, we recommend that you take this time before your baby is born to get to know the adoptive family.
Many birth mothers have said that getting to know the adoptive family during their pregnancy made them feel more secure in their decision; they were able to realize that this was the right family for their baby.
Lifetime Adoption
Lifetime Adoption’s caring coordinators are here to help you create an adoption plan that names all of the details of your adoption process. Your Coordinator is here to help you decide the sort of adoptive family you are looking for and how much contact you want to have.
Based on a variety of factors, your Adoption Coordinator will find adoptive parents who fit your preferences. You’ll be able to read each of their adoption profiles and watch their videos so you can choose the family you think is best.
Do you have questions about choosing an adoptive family? Call or text Lifetime at 1-800-923-6784 at any time.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on November 8, 2019, and has since been updated.
As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.
Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.
As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.
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