How to Write a Letter of Love to Your Child

When you chose adoption, you gave your child a lifelong gift, one rooted in love, selflessness, and hope. Consider sharing another heartfelt gift: a letter of love to your child.

A letter of love is a beautiful way to express your hopes, dreams, and deep affection. It allows you to release your child into the arms of their adoptive parents with trust and faith while also helping you process the emotions of placement. And as Valentine’s Day approaches, there’s no better time to reflect on what love truly means, and to express the purest, most selfless form of it through your words.

A Letter of Love: How to Write a Heartfelt Message to Your Child

Not sure where to start? Here are eight simple tips for writing a letter that reflects the love you carry in your heart. 💕

1. Start Your Letter

You might begin your message by telling your child your hopes and aspirations for their future. For many birth mothers, this was a key reason for choosing adoption in the first place. Then, you can write about the process you went through to ensure they had the type of family you wished to provide. If writing really isn’t your “thing,” you might tape a selfie video to share about yourself and your decision.

Many birth parents have wondered, “Will my child know me?” and, “Will my child hate me for choosing adoption?” But the beauty of open adoption is that your child will grow up knowing their adoption story and knowing you. Their adoption will never be a mystery or a family secret. If you’re wondering what your child will want to know about you, consider reading about common questions adoptees ask their birth parents.

Don’t underestimate the power of your voice and presence in this letter. Even if you feel uncertain about what to say, your child will treasure the authenticity of your words. This is your chance to be heard directly, in your own voice, in a way that no secondhand story can replicate.

2. Share Your Reasons for Choosing Adoption

Take this opportunity to explain why you chose adoption. You might share that you didn’t place your child for adoption because you didn’t care about them. Just the opposite: you chose adoption because you care so much that you want to provide more for them than you can right now. This is love in its most selfless form—the kind of love that prioritizes another person’s wellbeing above your own desires.

When you write your letter, we recommend providing some background on your life and the circumstances which caused you and your baby’s father to choose adoption. This part of your letter helps your child understand that their placement wasn’t random. It was a carefully considered decision made with love and intention. It shows them that from the very beginning, you were thinking about what would be best for them and actively working to make that happen.

Says one birth mom, Kristina, “I hope that by sharing about my situation, my daughter will someday understand that even if I had parented, I wouldn’t get to do that. I would have been sharing custody and working so hard just to feed her that I wouldn’t be the one tucking her in at night. I wanted her to have a mommy and daddy who she could count on to tuck her in every night. So I found my daughter’s parents, and they love her as much as they love each other.”  

This kind of honest explanation, rooted in love and clear reasoning, helps your child understand adoption not as rejection, but as an act of profound love.

Besides sharing with your child why you chose adoption, consider also sharing how you chose their adoptive parents. You might describe what qualities you were looking for in a family, perhaps stability, shared values, or a strong marriage. Share what stood out to you when you first read their profile or met them. Was it their sense of humor that shone through their photos? Their commitment to education? The way they talked about their dreams of becoming parents?

You could write about specific moments that confirmed your choice. Maybe it was seeing how gently the adoptive father held a friend’s baby, or how the adoptive mother’s eyes lit up when she talked about bedtime stories and family traditions. Perhaps you were moved by their openness to maintaining a relationship with you or their understanding of the importance of your child knowing their adoption story.

Don’t hesitate to share the practical considerations, too. You might explain how their financial stability meant your child would have opportunities you wanted them to have, or how their location near good schools mattered to you. If they already had children, you could describe how you felt seeing them as parents, knowing your child would grow up with siblings.

3. Give Info About Yourself

Share the details that make you uniquely you, such as your hobbies, talents, and strengths. As your child grows and discovers their own interests and abilities, they’ll find comfort in understanding where certain traits might have come from. Perhaps they’ll recognize your love of music in their own desire to learn piano or see your determination reflected in their approach to challenges.

Consider including photos of yourself at different ages, especially around the time of their birth. These visual connections can be incredibly meaningful to your child as they grow up. You might include pictures of you doing activities you love, with family members, or even ultrasound photos from your pregnancy if you’re comfortable sharing them.

Share your family history and background as well. Tell your child about their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. What traditions did your family have? What countries did your ancestors come from? Are there any family stories, achievements, or even funny quirks that run in the family? This information helps your child understand their roots and heritage.

Don’t forget to include your favorite things, like your favorite foods, movies, books, songs, colors, or places you’ve traveled. Maybe you both will end up loving the same type of music or having the same favorite season. These personal details help paint a picture of who you are as a person beyond the adoption decision.

You might also share any special talents or skills that run in your family. Are you musical? Do you have an artistic streak? Are you great with numbers or languages? Is there a family recipe that’s been passed down for generations? These details give your child a sense of the gifts and abilities they might have inherited.

Consider including sensory memories and emotional snapshots from their early days. What did they smell like? How did their tiny hand feel in yours? What was their first cry like? What were you thinking or feeling in those early moments? These intimate, specific details create a bridge between you and your child that goes beyond words alone. They help your child feel truly seen and known, even before memory was possible.

4. Address Your Emotions Honestly

While this letter is ultimately a gift to your child, it’s also an opportunity for you to process your own emotions around placement. Don’t shy away from acknowledging the complexity of your feelings: the grief alongside the peace, the sacrifice alongside the love. Your child will benefit from understanding that this decision, while rooted in love, was not made lightly or without emotional weight.

You might write something like: “Choosing adoption was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I felt sadness, but I also felt certain that this was the right path for you. The love I have for you is real and deep, and it’s expressed through my commitment to your well-being, even when that meant letting you go.”

This honesty teaches your child that love can be complicated and that it’s okay to feel multiple emotions at once. It also helps them understand that you’re human, not a perfect person, but someone who made the best decision you could with the information and resources you had at the time.

If you’re struggling with difficult emotions like grief, regret, or mixed feelings, consider working with an adoption counselor or therapist before or while writing your letter. These professionals can help you process your feelings in a healthy way so that your letter comes from a grounded, authentic place. Your child deserves to receive your words when you’re ready to give them with an open heart.

5. Reflect on the Legacy You’re Creating

This letter is more than just words on a page: it’s a legacy. It’s a tangible expression of your love that will be passed down, potentially through generations. Your child may read it to their own children someday, sharing with them the story of their grandmother’s love and sacrifice.

Consider what you want this letter to mean in your family’s story. How do you want your child to remember you? What values or messages do you most want them to carry forward? What do you want them to know about themselves based on where they came from?

You might write something like, “I’m creating this letter so that you will always know the truth about where you came from and why the people you call Mom and Dad are your parents. I want you to know that you are loved by so many people: by me, by your adoptive parents, by your grandparents, by aunts and uncles you may never meet in person but who think of you. You are part of a beautiful, complex family story, and your place in that story matters.”

This broader perspective can help you write with intention and purpose, knowing that your words will echo through time.

6. Let Others Contribute

Nowadays, many birth fathers take part in the adoption planning process too. If you’re still in touch with your child’s father, let him know about this letter of love that you’re writing. He may want to include something in the letter, too, or even write his own letter to his child.

Other members of your family may also want to write a letter if they are struggling with your decision or dealing with difficult emotions. This letter allows them to convey to your child that they’re always loved from afar. Grandparents, siblings, and aunts and uncles may have their own messages of love and connection to share.

These additional letters create a chorus of voices all affirming your child’s worth and the love that surrounds them, even across distance and circumstance.

5. Make Copies

Be sure to make copies of the letters, and save your letter digitally. Easy, free, and quick ways to save your letter digitally are Google Drive, OneNote, or Evernote. You’ll want to mail one copy of the letter to your child’s adoptive parents, of course, but we suggest that you keep a few copies too.

Some birth mothers have created a special memory book or box for their child to open at an appropriate age. And save a copy of your letter for you, too. Re-reading the loving words you released your child with may help you through the years when you feel heartache.

6. Determine Timing

Some birth mothers wish to ask the adoptive parents to give their child this letter at a specific time. Other women leave it up to the adoptive parents to choose a time they decide is best. You might suggest they share it when your child begins asking about their adoption story, at a certain age, or at a milestone moment.

Whatever timing feels right to you, know that this letter will find its way to your child at exactly the moment they need it.

❤️❤️❤️

Why Should I Write This Letter?

Beyond the gift you’re giving your child, writing this letter is also a gift to yourself. The act of putting your feelings, hopes, and love into words can be very healing. It allows you to express the emotions you’re carrying and create something tangible from the intangible bond you share with your child.

Many birth mothers report that writing their love letter helped them:

• Process their feelings about placement in a healthy, constructive way
• Feel heard and validated in their experience
• Feel a sense of closure
• Remind themselves that they still have a bond with their child
• Move through grief into a place of peace
• Reclaim their voice in the adoption story

This February, as we celebrate love in all its forms, consider that a birth mother’s love may be the most selfless love of all. Your letter is your love made visible, your voice preserved, your story told.

Your Letter, Your Love

Your special letter is your hope and love on paper, expressed to your child. It will be a treasure for your child and their adoptive parents for many years to come.

If you find that you just can’t get through writing this letter right now, you’re not alone. Not all birth mothers feel as though they can write a letter like this. It can be challenging to put words on paper that accurately reflect what is in your heart. But please don’t let your words and feelings go unwritten or unspoken. You can always resume writing this letter later on and pick up where you left off. Stories and pictures the adoptive parents tell your child will pale when compared to the heartfelt words that you can share, describing your feelings and your decision to choose adoption.

Consider making February your month to write, reflect, and honor your love through this letter. Whether you write it all at once or over time, whether it flows easily or comes with tears—your letter is a beautiful way to leave a legacy for your child, sharing the hope and love you have for them.

Your love matters. Your voice matters. Your story matters.

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on May 14, 2016, and has since been updated.