Tips On How to Tell Your Baby’s Father
You’re Thinking About Adoption
Now is the time to be very honest with yourself about your feelings about a baby, the father, and your future. It’s important to tell your baby’s father that you’re thinking about adoption. This can be an emotional conversation for both of you, but having a plan ahead of time can make it easier to bring up adoption. Here are some tips on how to do that:
Prepare What You Want to Say
- Let him know that you’ve spent lots of time thinking about your options
- Explain why you’re choosing adoption
- Share why you feel adoption is the best decision for both of you
- Educate him about how modern open adoption works
- Ask for his support during the adoption process
Be Honest About Your Decision
Let Him Ask Questions
Explain Future Contact
Ask for His Input
Write down how you feel about your pregnancy and what your adoption plan will look like. By writing down your thoughts and making a plan ahead of time, you’ll feel more confident. It can also help make sure that the conversation goes smoothly. During your discussion with your baby’s father, you might plan to:
Remember, your Adoption Coordinator is always available to give you additional suggestions for how to tell your baby’s father you’re thinking about adoption. She can also help you practice having the conversation with roleplaying.
This is a difficult subject, but putting it off will not help. Talk to your baby’s father about adoption as soon as you can. Be open with him, telling him about your plan to pursue adoption.
It’s usually best to talk to your baby’s father in person. Find a private, quiet place to talk where there won’t be distractions or interruptions. If that’s not possible, you can also tell him on the phone. Texting often isn’t the best option.
Some women fear that the conversation will turn into an argument and write him a letter or email. Be as honest and explanatory as possible in your letter, and have your Adoption Coordinator or someone you trust review it before sending it to him.
Assure him that you have honestly thought through this plan by telling him the reasons why you believe open adoption is the best choice for all of you. Share information about the modern open adoption process, where you can choose your baby’s parents, how things will go at the hospital when you deliver, and even much you’d like to stay in contact in the future. Invite him to browse through the profiles of prospective parents.
Your baby’s father might wonder what open adoption is and whether it’s really the best choice for his child. He might question the process or the hopeful adoptive parents. Be open to letting him ask as many questions as he needs to.
Share any of the adoption information you’ve received so far. Answer the questions if you can, or refer him to your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime. By listening to his concerns, you’ll be helping him accept your decision.
Let him know that he can be a part of his child’s future even after the adoption. For example, he may want to take part in open adoption visits and receive updates on his child.
If you’re no longer together, his contact with the adoptive family and your child can be separate from yours. For example, you might only request emails and photos from the adoptive couple of your baby, but he might also choose to talk with them on the phone a few times a year.
When you tell your baby’s father you’re thinking about adoption, explain your adoption plan, reasons for making your decision, and any answers to questions you had. This will help you make your case for why you feel the way you do about adoption, without emotions getting in the way.
The decision to make an adoption plan isn’t one that you’re making lightly. It’s not a choice that you just made overnight; you’ve put a lot of thought into this.
So you might invite your baby’s father to help with the adoption process. He could look through adoptive family profiles with you or even help interview the prospective parents. Let him be a part of the entire process. Even if he chooses not to help with the adoption, asking him to join you may help him accept the future.
Understand that he may need time to think about this. For many men, their first response to adoption is “No, I won’t let my child be adoption.” But upon learning what modern adoption looks like, they can see that you have put a lot of thought into this and it really is the best choice for parents to be on the same page.
If you do not feel safe having a conversation with your baby’s father, you can get help telling him about adoption. Your Adoption Coordinator or an attorney can contact him for you. You don’t have to talk to him if you feel in danger. You never have to put yourself in a situation where you do not feel safe or afraid of how he will react.
The father may oppose the adoption, even after being presented with all of the evidence that it is the right course of action. If this happens, you can still pursue open adoption on your own. Your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime can help you learn what your options are if he’s uncooperative.
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