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When She Wants Adoption And You Don’t

Birth father choosing adoption<< Back to Birth Fathers

Facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption can seem unreal to many guys. This decision is just as difficult for you as it is for the child’s mother. Coming to an agreement might seem impossible, but right now, you both have to put your baby’s best interest first. Let’s start by considering some basics…

If she wants adoption, it means she can’t or doesn’t want to be a mom right now.

What kind of a mother do you want your child to have? One that is eager to spend every day with your baby, or one that was forced into it, who may feel resentful toward you and your child? Whether or not the two of you are in a solid, supportive relationship, forcing her to raise the baby won’t be best for anyone.

Some guys think they can just give the baby to their mom or current girlfriend to raise, but remember, your child’s mother still has parental rights and may not consent to either of those options. Just because she wants adoption doesn’t mean she doesn’t love this child. She is trying to give this child what she feels is the best opportunity for a bright future.

What kind of father are you being right now, before your child is born?

Are you going to every doctor’s appointment and providing emotional and financial support for your baby’s mother? That is part of being a good dad now, even before your child is born. Are you working on a solid, supportive relationship together, even if you are no longer romantically involved?

Take it one step further and ask yourself if you are partying or using drugs? Do you have a reliable job, a safe home, and insurance, both medical and life in case something happens to you? Do you have a support system of healthy people in your life?

All of these things are part of demonstrating you are ready to be a father now. It starts before your baby is born.

Do you see choosing adoption as being a failure as a father?

Considering adoption may feel like you are a failure as a father. Maybe you are disappointed in yourself and have a fear that family, friends, buddies, and co-workers will not look at you the same. Making an adoption plan takes a lot of courage and love. It’s not easy to put the needs of your child above your own feelings.

Guys often struggle to come to grips and accept the fact that at this time in their lives they cannot be a dad and provide what a child needs. It takes time to wrap your head around that feeling. It becomes about the child and not you. Take yourself out of the picture and instead put the future needs of this baby into focus. It can be tough to admit that you are not in a place to fulfill all your child’s needs.

Supporting an adoption plan doesn’t mean you are a weak, uncaring, irresponsible guy not living up to the responsibilities of a dad. It’s actually the opposite — you are man enough to see what is best for your baby. The man you are today is one that responsibly meets the needs of the mother and child as they come up.

You can be involved in creating the open adoption plan.

As the child’s father, you can choose to play an active role in creating the adoption plan for your child. You can help choose the family and talk to them prior to the adoption. You can receive your own updates after the adoption is complete, and participate in visits if you want. Many times, the relationship with the adoptive parents is one that feels like extended family, and it can be this way for you too.

Even if you and the child’s mother are not together, you can still maintain your own contact in the future. If your own mother wants that involvement, she can too as the birth grandmother. We are happy to help arrange that connection.

If you are committed to parenting this child and stopping an adoption plan, make a written plan.

If after learning about adoption, you still want to parent, then it’s time to make a plan with the child’s mother. Here is a starting list of what you will need to agree on before the child is born:

  • How you will help and provide through the rest of her pregnancy
  • Commit to child support payments for at least 18 years
  • Who will provide childcare when you both are working
  • Medical insurance and transportation for doctor’s visits
  • Custody arrangements – she may want the child to be full time with you
  • What a healthy lifestyle and home looks like
  • Agree on who the child will be allowed to be around (girlfriends, parents, etc.)

If you are insisting she parent, even though she wants to choose adoption, put this plan in writing so she has the reassurance that you are prepared to be an equal partner in parenting your child.

If you want to learn more about adoption

We can help you learn more about adoption and how you can participate in the adoption plan. You may have questions about your choices or what open adoption looks like. We will provide you with the help you need to make the best possible choice for your child.

We have free counseling as part of our adoption services for both birth parents, and our adoption coordinators are here for you 24 hours a day.
Call or text Lifetime anytime, 24/7 1-800-923-6784