Even after completing your home study, creating a wonderful profile, and rehearsing what you’ll say in that first phone call with a birth mother, you might still be overlooking an important part of the child adoption process that leads to successful adoptions. And that’s to genuinely connect with a birth mother.
Join Lifetime as we share 6 ways to extend yourself to a birth mother and improve your connection with her!
1. Ask her how she’s feeling
Show her that you’re interested in her well-being, and it’s not about the baby. This will tell her that you see her as a unique person, not just the path to your soon-to-be baby.
2. Take her lead at the hospital
Who does she want in the delivery room? Does she want to take photos together? Would she like to see and hold her baby? Who would she like to hold her baby first? Make sure to honor the birth mother’s hospital preferences, because she may need to have time alone with her baby to get closure.
3. Never judge her
We encourage you to accept your child’s birth mother just as she is. She’s made the very difficult choice of making an adoption plan for your baby. Your baby’s birth mother has chosen you and is trusting you to provide for her baby and love him or her unconditionally.
4. Show her that you care
Ask her about her goals and dreams, and her interests. Avoid making the conversation all about the health of the baby (which you’ll likely learn through medical records, anyway). By learning more about your birth mother, you can share these are stories later on with your child. Maybe your son or daughter will be athletically gifted – you will be able to share, “Your birth mother played varsity basketball in high school!”
5. Be clear
Don’t leave her waiting for more than a few hours at the most. If you need more time to discuss things privately or to pray, be honest with her. But, don’t keep her waiting. She may start to question your commitment to her baby.
6. Honor your promises
It may be that you’re one of the most stable figures in her life right now. She’s going out on a limb to trust you, so make sure to follow through on your promises. If you agreed to open adoption, send her the letters and photos you promised. Show her that she’s a valued and important person in your family’s life!
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”