When hopeful adoptive parents begin their journey, they often discover that their own parents, siblings, cousins, and close friends have little understanding of how adoption works today. This is more common than you might think.
With only 7% of Americans having adopted, adoption remains a relatively uncommon path to building a family, which means the people closest to you may have outdated ideas, misconceptions, or simply no frame of reference at all.
Your loved ones want to be supportive. They just don’t always know what to say or do. That’s where you come in.
For example, Janna and Steve* had been waiting to adopt for a few months when Steve’s mother took it upon herself to call their adoption agency to advocate for the couple to “get a baby by Christmas because they’d been waiting long enough.”
Their coordinator gently explained that in modern adoption, the birth mother selects the adoptive family, not the agency. Steve was mortified and worried his mother’s interference might have hurt their chances. In reality, his mother isn’t the first to call, and she won’t be the last. It’s simply a lack of understanding of how adoption works today.
The good news? With a little intentional preparation, you can bring your family and friends up to speed and create a supportive community for both you and your future child.
* Names have been changed for privacy
Why This Preparation Matters Beyond the Wait
Here’s something worth considering: educating your family now isn’t just about surviving awkward questions during the wait. According to the National Council for Adoption (NCFA), “Open communication about adoption with extended family members and friends creates a safe environment for a child to grow up in an adoption-informed community.”
When the people around your child understand adoption and use respectful language, your child benefits both emotionally and developmentally for years to come.
What may seem like an innocent comment to a well-meaning grandparent can be confusing or hurtful to a child. Preparing your family now means you’re not just becoming a better adoptive parent during the wait. You’re setting up your whole extended network for long-term success.
5 Ways to Help Family Understand Adoption
- Start the Conversation Early — and Keep It Going
Don’t wait until after you’re matched. The NCFA recommends that prospective adoptive parents discuss adoption openly from the very beginning of the process, noting that talking about adoption early and often can normalize it for less-experienced friends and family, while also serving as preparation for later discussions with your child.
This includes sharing:
- How the matching process actually works (birth mothers choose the family, not the agency)
- What “open adoption” means and why it’s the norm in modern domestic infant adoption
- The language that is respectful and accurate (for example, “birth parent” rather than “real parent,” and “made an adoption plan” rather than “gave up for adoption”)
Encouraging your family to use adoption-sensitive language is one of the most impactful things you can do. It shapes how your child understands their own story.
- Read and Learn Together
Books written specifically for extended family members can make a real difference. Two excellent options:
- In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption by Elizabeth O’Toole — ideal for grandparents-to-be and other close family members who want to understand what lies ahead.
- Adoption is a Family Affair: What Family and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston — written by an infertility and adoption educator with extensive experience counseling families.
Reading one of these books yourself (even if your family won’t) can equip you with the words to gently correct misunderstandings and educate others with confidence.
- Share Adoption Webinars and Real Stories
Sometimes, hearing directly from others who have lived the adoption experience is more powerful than any explanation you can give. These free resources are ideal for sharing:
- The Modern Adoption Webinar — a clear, accessible overview of how adoption works today. Great for grandparents or siblings who don’t know where to start.
- Aaron & Kimberly’s Adoption Story — a real couple’s journey through the full process, helpful for anyone who wants to understand what the experience is really like.
- A Birth Mother Shares Her Adoption Story — When someone asks, “How could any mother give up her baby?”, Rebecca’s story answers that question with compassion and truth. She is a thoughtful, loving woman who made an adoption plan because she wanted more for her daughter.
- Set Thoughtful Boundaries Around Your Child’s Story
As you educate your family, one of the most important things to establish is what information is and isn’t appropriate to share with others. The NCFA is clear on this point: “Children have a right to privacy, and some elements of their story should be theirs alone to share when they are ready.”
In practice, this means:
- Details about a child’s birth parents or circumstances of placement may be sensitive and shouldn’t be shared broadly.
- Information about potential medical histories, prenatal exposures, or developmental needs should be shared only as needed — and your family should understand why discretion matters.
- Your child’s adoption story belongs to your child. How and when they share it should ultimately be their choice.
This lesson came to life for Dionne and Greg*, who adopted a little boy whose birth mother had used heroin. He required a NICU stay but caught up quickly and was a happy, thriving child.
When he began struggling with math in third grade, Dionne’s mother made a hurtful comment attributing his challenges to prenatal drug exposure. That kind of comment, even when unintentional, can wound a child deeply. Setting expectations with family before your child comes home makes moments like this less likely.
- Prepare Your Family for the Homecoming and Beyond
The days and weeks after your child comes home are critical for bonding. The first days after bringing a new child home are crucial for building trust and forming strong attachments. Adoptive parents should be the primary ones meeting their child’s needs during this time. This isn’t a rejection of extended family. It’s a foundation of security for your child.
You can involve loved ones in meaningful ways that don’t disrupt bonding:
- Dropping off meals
- Helping with older children in the home
- Keeping photos visible so the child becomes familiar with extended family members before visits
Letting your family know what to expect and giving them practical roles keeps them engaged and invested without overwhelming your new child.
How to Handle Intrusive Questions About Adoption
Even the most well-meaning people sometimes ask questions that feel uncomfortable or inappropriate:
- “Don’t you want children of your own?”
- “How much did your adoption cost?”
- “Why is this taking so long?”
The Center for Adoption Support and Education’s W.I.S.E. Up!® program offers a practical framework for responding to these moments. It gives both adults and children four response strategies:
- W — Walk away or ignore
- I — It’s private; I don’t have to answer
- S — Share something from my adoption story
- E — Educate others about adoption in general
Practicing these responses ahead of time with your partner, your family, and eventually your child helps everyone feel confident and prepared.
FAQ: Answering the Questions Families Ask About Adoption
Here are the most common questions adoptive parents hear from extended family, and how to answer them with confidence.
“Don’t you want a child of your own?”
This one stings, but it usually comes from a place of misunderstanding rather than malice. A calm, clear response is: “Our child will absolutely be our own. Adoption is just the path we’re taking to become parents.”
You can also gently note that phrases like “a child of your own” can imply that adopted children are somehow less, which isn’t something you want your child to hear or internalize.
“Why is the birth mother ‘giving up’ her baby?”
This is a great opportunity to introduce adoption-sensitive language. The phrase “giving up” implies abandonment.
A more accurate and compassionate framing is that a birth mother is making an adoption plan — a deliberate, loving decision to give her child a life she feels she cannot provide right now. Sharing a resource like the webinar “A Birth Mother Shares Her Adoption Story“ can help family members hear this directly from a birth mother herself.
“How much did the adoption cost?”
This question is well-meaning but crosses into private financial territory. A simple response: “Adoption does involve fees that cover legal, agency, and support services, but we’re not sharing the specifics. What matters is that we’re on our way to becoming parents!”
If they’re curious about why adoption costs what it does, you can point them to resources that explain the process without revealing your personal finances.
“Why is it taking so long?”
Waiting to be chosen is hard, and watching someone you love wait is hard, too. Help your family understand that in modern domestic adoption, the birth mother chooses the adoptive family. The timeline isn’t controlled by the agency. It’s a process that unfolds on its own schedule. Reassure them that the wait, while difficult, means the right match is being made.
“Will the birth mother try to take the baby back?”
This fear is understandable but largely rooted in outdated portrayals of adoption in movies and TV. In reality, once an adoption is finalized, it is a permanent, legal process.
While birth parents do have a brief window to reconsider before finalization (which varies by state), the vast majority of adoptions proceed as planned. Encouraging your family to read about when a birth mother can change her mind can help replace fear with accurate information.
“Are you going to tell the child they’re adopted?”
Yes, and early. Adoption professionals and child development experts consistently recommend that children be told their adoption story from the very beginning, in age-appropriate ways.
Keeping adoption a secret can lead to confusion, mistrust, and identity challenges later in life. When adoption is simply part of the family’s everyday conversation, children grow up with a healthy, secure sense of who they are.
“What if the child wants to find their ‘real’ parents someday?”
First, a gentle language note: adoptive parents are their child’s real parents. The term “birth parents” is more accurate and respectful. As for contact, in open adoptions, there may already be an ongoing relationship with the birth family. And if a child someday wants to learn more about their origins, that’s a healthy and normal part of identity development. It doesn’t replace or diminish the adoptive family; it enriches the child’s understanding of their own story.
Build Your Adoption Support Before Your Child Comes Home
The extended family and friends who are most informed are the ones most likely to say the right things, ask helpful questions, and truly support your child for the long haul. Having frank, honest conversations now — while you’re in the wait — gives you the opportunity to shape how your entire network understands and discusses adoption.
At Lifetime Adoption, we’ve supported thousands of families through this journey. We know that your people want to show up for you. They just need a little guidance on how.
Ready to take the next step in your adoption journey? Call or text Lifetime Adoption at (727) 493-0933.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on December 1, 2021, and has since been updated.
Heidi Keefer is a Content Creator for Lifetime Adoption and has over 15 years of experience in the field of adoption. An author of thousands of articles and social media posts over the years, Heidi enjoys finding new ways to educate and captivate Lifetime’s ever-growing list of subscribers.
Heidi has a keen eye for misplaced apostrophes, comma splices, and well-turned sentences, which she has put to good use as a contributor to Lifetime’s award-winning blogs. She has written and published hundreds of adoption articles which explore the various facets of domestic infant adoption today.
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