Sometimes hopeful adoptive parents wonder if bonding with baby will be hard. As most adoptive parents will tell you, “There’s no difference. That child is your baby!” The adoption truth is this: adoption builds families.
Maybe you’ve wondered whether or not you’d love an adopted child as much as you would a biological one. You might be struggling with whether or not the love you’ll feel for your adopted child will be as strong as the love you have for your biological children.
Asking yourself this question is natural and necessary, even if it seems shameful. The truth is, each relationship we have with our children, bio or adopted, is unique – and so is the love and connection we have with them.
Bonding With Your Adopted Baby
We often hear of the instant, close bond between mother and baby, but sometimes these ties don’t come right away, even in biological families. Some moms and dads just have a difficult time bonding with their babies. Bonding with a new baby can be especially challenging in cases of post-partum depression or anxiety.
The bottom line is that an immediate level of love and devotion doesn’t always happen. In many families, parents grow to love their children and develop bonds a little later. Adoption can work in the same way. The love may not happen right away for some families, while others feel an immediate connection.
How Does Love Develop Between Parent & Child?
The foundation of a close, loving relationship isn’t always formed by carrying your child in the womb or sharing genes with them. In reality, the love that develops between a parent and child comes from the care and nurturing the parent provides their child. If you keep this in mind, then it makes sense that the love you feel for your biological children will be the same for an adopted child.
Since you’ll be providing primary care to your child, it won’t matter that they didn’t biologically come from you. You’ll be the one needed when they’re sick or hurt. You’ll be the one to answer their many curious questions. They’ll call you their parent, and you’ll call them your child. The relationships parents develop with their biological children can be created with your adopted child who, truthfully, is simply your child.
8 Ways to Bond With Your Adopted Child
1. Co-sleeping
Allowing your adopted baby to sleep in the same room can make it easier to care for them if they wake up and will enable you to give them reassurance and comfort quickly. Some adoptive parents suggest that this co-sleeping arrangement reinforces parental instincts.
Some parents are wary of allowing their baby to sleep in their bed because it can put them at risk for SIDS. But you can get a co-sleeper bed attachment for the side of your bed to allow your baby to sleep near you in safety.
2. Affectionate cuddling & eye contact
Nothing replaces touch for bonding with your new baby. Cuddling, snuggling, and sweet hugs will warm your heart. The more you cuddle, the more they will grow to trust you and feel closer to you. Showing your adopted child affection builds a sweet relationship between the two of you.
In addition, newborn babies are nearsighted, and for the first three months of life they can best see objects around eight to 15 inches away. This just happens to be the average distance between a mother’s breast and face, making feeding time an excellent opportunity to practice eye contact with your baby. Infants prefer to look at faces over other objects, and every time you and baby gaze at one another, they’re building a memory of your face. If your adopted infant is bottle fed, be sure to hold them at breast level to maximize the bonding benefits of eye contact.
3. Skin-to-skin
All babies need skin-to-skin touch. You can wear your baby in a sling or lay them on your tummy after bath time to relax. You can also apply lotion to the baby’s legs, arms, and backs for some gentle massage, skin to skin.
4. Infant massage
Massage comes with lots of wonderful benefits for your baby, including growth of the mind and body, and improved digestion, self-esteem, and behavior. Infant massage can become part of your everyday life, practiced right after bath time or in the evening when the whole family is home for the day. Massage is a perfect way for a working parent to reconnect with their baby after being gone all day. Both dads and moms can practice gentle, loving touch with their new baby, which will help her to bond with both caregivers.
5. Talk to them
By nature, humans are communicators. No matter your child’s age, they need you to talk with them. Talk to them you’re feeding them breakfast or when you’re driving in the car.
Babies and little kids learn language from those around them. They learn distinct tones and find comfort in your voice as they grow accustomed to it. It’s a sweet way for you to bond with your child as you incorporate talking to them.
6. Baby Wearing
One of the easiest ways to bond with your baby from the beginning is through baby wearing. Using a carrier, sling or wrap, baby can snuggle close while freeing up mom or dad’s hands. Carrying baby close allows her to hear your heartbeat and feel your body warmth. According to Dr. Sears, “Infants who are carried more cry less.” Less crying not only benefits mom and dad, but also baby. “Infants who spend less time crying spend more time to growing and learning.”
7. Responsive Parenting
Responding quickly and lovingly to your baby’s needs fosters a sense of trust between baby and parents. Your adopted infant soon learns that you are her source of calm and comfort, and that you will take care of her needs. As baby’s trust in you grows, so does the bond of love between you both.
8. Relax
Most of all, as a new adoptive parent, try to relax and enjoy your new relationship with your child. Your baby will pick up on your comfort level and be able to relax.
Don’t worry. It may take time to bond with your adopted child, but that’s okay. But eventually, you’ll both feel comfortable together.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on November 24, 2017, and has since been updated.
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”
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