Some parents expect an instantaneous bond with their new baby immediately after infant adoption. Secretly, these same parents may worry and experience some uncertainty…what if they don’t feel a connection with their adopted infant?
Lifetime has seen the special bonds that develop between adoptive parents and their baby. Like many other aspects of parenting, bonding with your newborn takes work and dedication. We’d love to share some tips so that you can begin to bond with your newly-adopted infant!
“Bonding is not always instantaneous – It’s a lifelong process,” says Dr. William Sears, pediatrician and author of over forty pediatric books and articles. “You need to invest time, touch, and attention.”
Dr. Sears is a proponent for Attachment Parenting, a method that he and his wife Martha (a registered nurse, lactation consultant, and co-author) have used on their eight children, including their adopted daughter. Attachment Parenting means keeping baby with you as much as possible while promptly and sensitively responding to baby’s needs.
Through plenty of touch, eye contact, and close proximity to baby, the bonding process improves and increases between new parents and baby. This method is particularly effective for adoptive parents seeking to bond with their new infant!
Skin-to-skin contact is a large part of Attachment Parenting your adopted infant. Skin-to-skin contact can have incredible benefits for babies and new mothers, including breastfeeding, behavior, and physiology.
To practice skin-to-skin with your adopted infant, simply strip baby down to her diaper during feeding. Mom removes or unbuttons her top so that baby’s skin is in contact with hers. Dads can definitely practice skin-to skin, as well. Nap time is another opportunity for skin to skin contact, with mom or dad holding baby close while she sleeps. This practice for bonding with newborns is particularly beneficial for moms who are planning on adoptive breastfeeding.
Infant massage is a wonderful way to convey the benefits of touch to your adopted infant. These benefits include growth of the mind and body, and improved digestion, self-esteem, and behavior.
Infant massage can become a regular event, practiced after bath time or in the evening when the whole family is home for the day. Massage is a perfect way to for the working caregiver to reconnect with baby after being gone for the day. Both dads and moms can practice gentle, loving touch with their new baby, which will help her to bond with both caregivers. “Babies thrive on different strokes,” says Sears.
Eye contact is another way of bonding with your newborn after infant adoption. Newborn babies are nearsighted, and for the first three months of life they can best see objects up to 8 to 15 inches away. This just happens to be the average distance between a mother’s breast and face, making feeding time an excellent opportunity to practice gazing with your new baby. Infants prefer to look at faces over other objects, and every time you and baby gaze at one another, she is building a memory of your face. If your adopted infant is bottle fed, be sure to hold her at breast level to maximize the bonding benefits of eye contact.
Staying Close to Your Baby
Baby wearing is one of the easiest ways bonding with a newborn in the days after infant adoption. Using a carrier, sling or wrap, baby can snuggle close while freeing up mom or dad’s hands. Carrying baby close allows her to hear your heartbeat and feel your body warmth. According to Dr. Sears, “Infants who are carried more cry less.” Less crying not only benefits mom and dad, but also baby. “Infants who spend less time crying spend devote more time to growing and learning.”
The cornerstone of Attachment Parenting is responsive parenting with lots of TLC. Responding quickly and lovingly to your baby’s needs fosters a sense of trust between baby and parents. Your adopted infant soon learns that you are her source of calm, and comfort, and that you will take care of her needs. As baby’s trust in you grows, so does the bond of love between you both. Lifetime Adoption can tell you that the bond that begins after infant adoption will become a love that you both cherish for years to follow.
Listen as adoptive mom and Founder of Lifetime Adoption Mardie Caldwell shares tips for healthy bonding and attachment with the child you will adopt in this webinar:
Click to hear “Mardie Caldwell Presents: Bonding & Attachment After Adoption”
This article was originally published on March 5, 2015, and has since been updated.
Founder of Lifetime Adoption, adoptive mom, adoption expert, and Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P).
Since 1986, adoption expert Mardie Caldwell has been dedicated to bringing couples and birth parents together in order to fulfill their dreams.
“Many years ago, I was also searching for a child to adopt. We didn’t know where or how to get started. Through research, determination, and a prayer, our dream of a family became reality. I started with a plan, a notebook, assistance from a caring adoption consultant and a lot of hard work; this was my family I was building. We had a few heartaches along the way, but the pain of not having children was worse!
Within weeks we had three different birth mothers choose us. We were overwhelmed and delighted. Many unsettling events would take place before our adoption would be finalized, many months later. Little did I know that God was training and aligning me for the adoption work I now do today. It is my goal to share with our families the methods and plans which succeed and do not succeed. I believe adoption should be affordable and can be a wonderful “pregnancy” for the adoptive couple.
I have also been on both sides of infertility with the loss of seven pregnancies and then conceiving by new technology, giving birth to a healthy daughter. I have experienced first-hand the emotional pain of infertility and believe my experience allows me to serve your needs better.
It is my hope that for you, the prospective parents, your desire for a child will be fulfilled soon.”