Birth Mother and Adoptive Mother Relationship

While every woman’s experience will vary, the process leading her to choose adoption is likely to involve love. Regardless of other circumstances, birth mothers share the experience of facing a decision about their pregnancy and letting their love for their child lead the way. Realizing that another family can give your child the life that you want for them is a decision that may take some time.
 
Embracing an open adoption opens the door to a lifelong connection and meaningful relationship between you and the adoptive family, creating a bond that can flourish for years to come. Your relationship with the adoptive mother will revolve around open adoption, where you can keep some level of contact with the adoptive family. This contact can range from exchanging photos and emails to having in-person visits, depending on the agreement made during the adoption process. 
 
In choosing adoption, you’re helping an adoptive family become parents, and they will love you and your child for a lifetime. There are some important things to keep in mind as you think ahead to what the birth mother and adoptive mother relationship will be like.
 

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The Benefits of Open Adoption

Open adoption benefits the adoptive family, your child, and you. It can help your child understand their family history and feel more secure in their identity. For the adoptive family, it can offer a deeper connection to you and allow them to learn more about your child’s background, including their medical history. And open adoption gives you a sense of connection to your child and will enable you to see how your child is thriving. 
 
Through open adoption, you can determine what amount of contact and the type of relationship with the adoptive family best fits your needs and comfort level. 
 
Open adoption allows you to begin creating the basis for a lifelong relationship with the adoptive family. This relationship will help you remain a part of your child’s life. Keep reading to learn more about the benefits of building a birth mother and adoptive mother relationship.
 

You are getting an extended family.

Choosing an open adoption means you are giving your baby a loving family to be raised in. But if you so choose, they can become like your family, too.
 
Adoptive parents who select to be part of an open adoption want you to be in their lives. You have a story, your baby has a story, and they want to know what it is. And as the birth mom, you will have a special bond with the adoptive mom.
 
Taking time to nurture and grow that relationship will build trust and help keep communication open when the child has questions as they get older.
 

You are gaining an advocate for your child.

The goal of open adoption is to help the child feel secure in their identity and have a sense of connection to both their birth family and their adoptive family.
 
Adoptive mothers love their children unconditionally. That means she will be an advocate for your child, a trusted friend, and a supportive person for the rest of their life. She is in this for the long haul — no matter what. That is a gift.
 
Remember that as you spend your time getting to know her. Treasure the incredible gift she has given you and your baby: her heart.
 

Your relationship will evolve.

This new relationship with your child’s adoptive mother and family will likely evolve over time, and that is OK. You may be in more contact with her at times — such as the holiday season. There may be other times when you are not in touch with the family as much.
 
Each relationship is different, and yours will uniquely develop, as all our friendships do. But no matter how the relationship ebbs and flows, the important part is to be honest and open, even on tough days.
 

You can give your child a bright future.

As you plan to place your baby with their new adoptive family, remember that you are not abandoning them. You are not “giving your baby up.” Instead, you chose the family that you believed was best for your little one to give them a bright future full of opportunities.
 
Even though you won’t be the primary parent raising your baby, you will be able to form a relationship. By choosing life for your child with a loving family, you are creating an opportunity to build a relationship with not only your child but the adoptive mother and father, too.
 

What Will Our Relationship Look Like?

Building a relationship with the adoptive parents before the adoption and having open, honest discussions about future contact can lay the groundwork for a positive connection. These conversations allow you to express your hopes and understand theirs.
 
During your pregnancy, your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime will support you as you discuss what your relationship with the adoptive family will look like in the future. These discussions typically happen before you deliver your baby or place your baby with them. You can even draw up a post-adoption contact agreement (PACA), which is a written agreement between adoptive parents and birth parents that outlines the details of contact after the courts finalize the adoption.
 
Consider these questions: What type of contact do you desire? Do they feel the same? If you want visits, how often will you all meet up? And where? Having this conversation early helps everyone understand their desires and establish expectations.
 

How to Build Your Birth Mother and Adoptive Mother Relationship

Building a solid relationship with your baby’s adoptive mother does not come with a play-by-play instruction manual. It will take patience to build your relationship, and it will take flexibility, too. It is especially essential to keep in mind that both of you want what is best for your child in the months and years to come. You can encourage a successful relationship with:

• Honesty and Open Communication: Open and honest communication is important for building a strong relationship between you and the adoptive family. 
• Understanding and Empathy: It’s important for both parties to understand each other’s feelings and perspectives, especially regarding the adoption process and their respective roles in the child’s life. 
• Flexibility: Being flexible and willing to adjust the level of contact and communication as needed can help maintain a positive and healthy relationship. 
• Seeking Support: If needed, seeking support from adoption professionals or support groups can help both you and the adoptive family. 

Knowing that you will get to be an integral part of your child’s life is the definition of modern, open adoption. Our experienced and caring adoption coordinators can help answer any questions you have about the open adoption process, too.
 

Lifetime Adoption

Lifetime Adoption is a domestic open adoption agency. We understand that this is a time that can feel overwhelming and even scary. Our compassionate team has been working with birth parents and adoptive families since 1986.
 
We will be with you every step of the way, including during the process of establishing a birth mother and adoptive mother relationship.
 
“During my pregnancy, I discovered Lifetime Adoption through a Google search,” shares a birth mother in her Google review of us. “Libby and Veronica were incredibly kind and supportive. They sent me profiles of potential adoptive parents and regularly checked in on me throughout my pregnancy. I truly appreciated the opportunity to browse through the profiles of such wonderful, stable families.” 
 
Lifetime Adoption’s resources are free to birth mothers; you’ll never have to pay a cent to utilize our services. We also continue to provide support and resources for birth mothers post-adoption.
 
You can start your adoption plan here whenever you’re ready. To speak with a caring adoption coordinator, contact Lifetime Adoption today.
 

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Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on September 18, 2020, and has since been updated.