Will My Child Hate Me for Choosing Adoption?

If you’re considering adoption, it’s common to wonder if your child will resent you one day for this decision. While it’s common, the thought of your child one day hating you for placing them for adoption is a terrifying one. It may even make you wonder if adoption is your best option. In fact, many birth parents find themselves wondering, “Will my child hate me for choosing adoption?”

When you’re faced with an unplanned pregnancy, it might seem like everyone in your life becomes an expert and wants to tell you what to do. People who are unsupportive of adoption might say to you that your child will hate you for “giving them up.” Because they don’t understand how open adoption works and have a fear of the unknown, people might believe that adopted children grow up wondering about who their birth parents are and never finding a sense of self.

In the video below, an adoptee shares their experience growing up knowing they were adopted — and the deep gratitude they have for their birth mother’s courageous decision.

Benefits of Open Adoption 

With open adoption, you’re able to set expectations for contact with your child and their adoptive parents. You can see your child again. Plus, you can develop a meaningful, positive relationship with your child as they grow up with their adoptive parents.

One of the biggest benefits of open adoption is the fact that adopted children grow up with the ability to know and contact their birth families. As a result, these children grow up knowing of their birth mothers and maybe even keeping on touch with them. Adoption isn’t a secret any longer. It’s talked about and celebrated in today’s open adoptions. Because of this, fewer adopted children will experience resentment.

By maintaining a relationship with your child and their adoptive parents, you’re helping your child develop a positive identity as an adoptee. Staying in touch with your child helps to answer any questions they might have about their origins as they grow up. You can also share your reasons for choosing adoption. The truth is that there are so many reasons you have selected this option, and you may realize that there were many more reasons than you imagined when you initially made the decision. Those reasons may include:

• Financial concerns about raising a child
• Desire to attend college
• Not feeling emotionally ready to raise a child
• Not having a father in the picture
• Lack of resources to provide for a child, including family support
• Hope that the child will grow up in a different environment

How do I keep in contact with my child after the adoption?

The type of contact you have will be determined by what you’d like and what you work out with the adoptive parents. Your Adoption Specialist at Lifetime will help you find adoptive parents who share your contact preferences. The adoptive couple you choose will be responsible for maintaining their end of the post-adoption contact agreement.

As you create your adoption plan, future contact could happen through any of these methods or a combination of a few:

• In-person visits
• Pictures and letters sent through Lifetime
• Video chats (such as Skype)
• FaceTime calls
• Social media such as Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok
• Emails
• Letters or cards
• Text messages
• Phone calls 

Because of modern technology, it’s now even easier for open adoption to feel like a comfortable, extended family type of relationship. No longer does open adoption necessarily have to feel scheduled, choreographed, or scripted. It can develop into its own relationship, in ways that work for all sides involved, just like any connection between people who truly care about each other.

What will the adoptive parents tell my child about me?

Lifetime advises our adoptive parents to be open and honest with children about their adoption stories from the beginning. Most start with books and story time to help a child get familiar with the concept of adoption. They’ll share more details of the adoption story as the child gets older, making sure that the info is age-appropriate to the child’s stage of development. But most importantly, the adoptive parents will try to make sure the child has a positive identity and knows that they’re safe and loved.

If children grow up always knowing that they were adopted and forever loved by both their birth and adoptive families, then there won’t be a moment when they wonder why they were “given up” or question whether or not they were “wanted.”

So many adoptive parents celebrate adoption as a positive, beautiful experience that makes each adopted child special. They openly share their child’s adoption story with the child as they grow up and might even make it a family tradition to celebrate their child’s adoption every year. Today, adopted children celebrate their adoption stories. We believe that adoption shouldn’t be a dark family secret.

With open adoption, children grow up knowing that their birth parents gave them a beautiful gift in choosing adoption. They grow up knowing that adoption is a loving decision and it’s one to be proud of.

Will my child know they were adopted?

Many women researching adoption ask, “If I choose adoption, will my child know they were adopted?” The answer is yes — and that’s good, as it helps promote openness, trust, and emotional security for your child.

With open adoptions more common, adoptive families, birth parents, and adoptees talk openly about adoption. Children adopted today usually learn from the start that they were adopted. For them, adoption is a natural part of identity, not a hidden secret. Research shows 97% of adopted children over 5 know they were adopted.

The National Council for Adoption‘s study confirms this trend: roughly 9 in 10 private domestic adoptees surveyed said they had known they were adopted “since very young” — before elementary school. Knowing from the very beginning means adoption is simply part of who your child is, not a revelation they have to process later in life.

Talking to children about adoption early boosts self-confidence, strengthens identity, and gives them a more positive outlook on their story. Secrecy is a thing of the past. Now, children find strength and pride in knowing they were chosen and loved by both their birth and adoptive families.

Every adoption situation is different in how and when adoption is discussed. Being on the same page with adoptive parents helps keep discussions age-appropriate and loving. If you wish to be part of these talks as your child grows, open adoption is the best way to make that happen.

Will My Child Understand My Adoption Decision?

Today, society’s awareness and appreciation of adoption are much more open than they once were. Adopted children often benefit from growing up with a strong sense of belonging and understanding of their personal histories. Adoption can provide children with loving families, opportunities for stability, and supportive environments in which they can thrive. Even in less open adoption situations, children generally come to understand that adoption is a loving decision, one they can feel proud to be a part of.

Teaching adoptees about their story young helps them feel positive about adoption. Early learning makes adoption a normal, natural part of life, avoiding confusion or trust issues later.

Choosing an open adoption plan is the best opportunity to make sure your child truly understands your decision. Through an ongoing relationship, you can explain in your own words, as they grow and mature, that your choice came from love and from wanting the very best for them. Your child will come to appreciate the thought, research, and sacrifice you put into finding the right family and making sure they can live their best life.

This is backed by what adoptees themselves say: in the National Council for Adoption‘s study, when adult adoptees were asked what advice they’d give future adoptive parents, open and honest communication about adoption was the single most widely shared piece of advice. Adoptees who grew up with open, ongoing conversations about their story reported stronger senses of identity and belonging, while those raised with secrecy described feelings of shame and confusion. Your willingness to stay connected and be honest is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

Writing a Letter to Your Child

If you’re still afraid that your child may resent or hate you for choosing adoption, you could write a letter or make a video that explains your decisions. In fact, many open adoptions involve an exchange of emails, photos, and videos back and forth between the adoptive family and birth family.

As you write a letter to your child, you have the opportunity to explain to your child that you wanted to provide him or her with two loving parents, financial stability, and more opportunities for success. Share your reasons for choosing adoption with your child, and that it was done out of your love for them. You can tell him or her why you selected the adoptive parents that you did. You may even see your own emotions shifting when you relay this information to your child.

When your child has this letter from you, he or she knows your story. You can discuss your hobbies, appearance, and strengths so that your child can compare them to their own. By connecting in this way, your child will also discover their own story, which is a powerful thing. It helps build a positive connection.

In this communication, you can also allow your child to get to know other members of your family, including his or her birth father. In fact, the birth father may even have his fears alleviated by writing his own letter to his child.

Prepare a Symbolic Gift for Your Child

Another meaningful way to make sure your child always knows how loved they are is to send them home from the hospital with something of yours. It could be a book about adoption, a handwritten letter, a photo of you and your family, or something you’ve made, like a knitted blanket.

Whatever you choose, this keepsake gives your child something tangible to hold onto as they grow up, a reminder of your love, no matter where life takes you both. The adoptive family will treasure whatever you provide and share it with your child at an age-appropriate time.

Express Gratitude and Positivity

When you communicate with your child, make sure to speak positively about his or her adoption and adoptive parents. You can also strengthen your child’s opinion of you by expressing gratitude. It can help to share with your child how thankful you are to have had the option of adoption at a difficult point in your life. 

It’s normal to feel resentment, anger, and other negative emotions after you place. Expressions of gratitude and thanks can go a long way in showing your child that they are where they are meant to be.

Let Your Child Know You’re Healthy and Moving Forward

One thing birth mothers may not always anticipate is that adopted children sometimes worry about their birth parents — especially in closed or semi-open adoptions. They may wonder, “Are you okay? “Are you happy? Did you go on to pursue your own goals and dreams?”

By staying in contact through open adoption, you give your child the reassurance that you are well and living a full life. This matters more than you might think. Knowing that you didn’t give up on yourself — and that you made this decision so both of you could thrive — helps your child feel secure in their adoption story. It removes the weight of wondering and replaces it with peace of mind.

Research supports how deeply this matters to adoptees. The National Council for Adoption‘s study found that a large majority of adult adoptees said that maintaining connections with their birth family helped them feel complete and connected to an essential part of their identity. Adoptees also stressed that their curiosity about or love for their birth family does not diminish their love for their adoptive family — the two relationships are not in competition. Staying present in your child’s life, even in small ways, makes a lasting difference.

The Long-Term Impact of Open Adoption

Adoption can have lifetime effects, and most of them are positive nowadays. Many people have a negative view of adoption based on stories they have heard from the past. Adoption used to be something people did not want to talk about. Today, the landscape of adoption has changed so much. People talk about their feelings, and children can learn more about their birth family without shame.

Open adoption has changed things, and you no longer have to ask, “Will my child hate me for choosing adoption?” You can rest assured, trusting that one day, even if it is not today, your child will grow to appreciate that you gave them the best gift possible: a loving family and opportunities for success.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. If you’re considering adoption and have questions — or just need someone to talk to — Lifetime Adoption is here for you every step of the way. Call or text us anytime at 1-800-923-6784 to speak with a caring specialist who can give you honest information, answer your questions, and help you explore your options with zero pressure. We’re available for you whenever you’re ready.

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Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on February 7, 2020, and has since been updated.