If your family doesn’t support your adoption plan, start by finding out what they’re afraid of. Most opposition comes from love, outdated ideas about adoption, or grief over losing a grandchild. Explaining how modern open adoption works often helps, but the decision about your baby’s future is yours, and you don’t have to face it alone.
Wanting your parents’ approval is completely normal. Wanting their support when choosing adoption, because you don’t want to go through this life-changing experience alone, is very valid. If your family is against adoption, you’re in good company: many birth mothers hear disagreement from parents and other relatives.
This guide is for anyone struggling with unsupportive parents or family members. If you need support right now, call or text Lifetime Adoption at 1-800-923-6784.
Haven’t told your family yet? Start with our guide to telling family and friends about your adoption plan, then come back here for what to do if the conversation doesn’t go the way you hoped.
Table of Contents
- Why is my family against my adoption plan?
- What if my family doesn’t understand modern adoption?
- How do I get my parents to support my adoption plan?
- Can my parents stop me from placing my baby for adoption?
- What if my family is pressuring me to parent?
- What if my family never comes around?
- Frequently Asked Questions
Why is my family against my adoption plan?
Family opposition rarely means they don’t love you. It usually comes from one of these places:
- They picture adoption the way it used to be. In closed adoptions of the past, a birth mother often had no say in choosing the family, and her child grew up never knowing her.
- They hoped to raise the baby themselves, or they feel they’re about to “lose” a grandchild.
- They worry you’ll regret it, or they want to protect you from the emotions that can come with adoption.
- They feel hurt or judged. Some parents hear “adoption” as a comment on how they raised you, or they’re upset they weren’t asked to adopt the baby.
- Cultural, religious, or community expectations make adoption feel unfamiliar or stigmatized.
Your family’s first reaction isn’t necessarily how they’ll always feel. Relatives may respond with shock, anger, or disappointment, and later with sympathy and support. Any of these reactions is normal.
One birth mother who made an adoption plan with Lifetime shared: “I wanted to be honest with some people, so I told them about my adoption plans. Pretending that I was bringing this baby home felt like a lie. People’s responses ranged from surprise to disappointment. My aunt even said, ‘I know you, I don’t think you’ll be able to adopt out your baby!'”
A note on language: at Lifetime Adoption, we talk about “placing” a baby for adoption or “making an adoption plan.” Phrases like “adopt out,” “give up,” or “give away” can imply a mother is abandoning her child, which is not what adoption is. You may hear those terms from family members, and it helps to know where they come from.
What if my family doesn’t understand modern adoption?
Parents who are unsupportive of your adoption plan can affect your entire adoption experience. Because adoption is such an emotional time, it’s best for everyone when close family can offer support. Often, their concerns come from an old picture of adoption that no longer matches how open adoption works today.
Jessica, one of our birth mothers, remembers how her mom reacted: “My mom yelled at me that she gave up her life as it was to raise me at 17 as a single mom. She told me that by giving away my baby for adoption, I was not only selfish but also telling her I was ashamed of her! I told her my decision was about my baby and what was best for him. I wanted to give him everything in life that he deserved: two loving parents, a good education, and the resources to follow his dreams. But to my mom, it was like I was dissing her.”
Over time, Jessica’s mom realized she could be part of her grandson’s life through open adoption. Now the adoptive parents send her updates on the boy, and she has also joined a video call with the adoptive family.
How do I get my parents to support my adoption plan?
The most effective approach is education. Unsupportive family members often come from a place of love and concern, and their fears may be based on misinformation or an outdated view of the process. Help them understand that open adoption puts you in charge. You can tell them:
- You choose your baby’s parents. If you’re comfortable with it, your parents can even help you choose the family.
- You may receive financial assistance. Depending on your state’s adoption laws, the adoptive parents you choose may be able to cover pregnancy-related expenses such as medical, legal, and counseling costs. In many cases, they can also help with living expenses like utilities, rent, and other bills.
- Adoption can protect your goals. Raising a child could put a college degree or a career on hold indefinitely. Whatever your reasons for choosing adoption, help your parents see how it can positively shape your future.
- You decide how much contact you have. You can get updates as your child grows through emails, letters, pictures, social media, visits, or a mix of these. Adoptive parents can also send photos and updates to your parents about their grandchild.
Then tell them how much they matter to you and how much their support would mean right now. If they’re open to it, they’re welcome to talk with your Adoption Coordinator at Lifetime and ask their own questions.
Can my parents stop me from placing my baby for adoption?
If you’re an adult, the decision about your baby’s future is yours. Your family can strongly disagree, but they can’t make this choice for you.
If you’re under 18, the rules can be different. In very rare cases, a minor may need to involve a parent in an adoption decision. Because adoption laws vary by state, we encourage any minor considering adoption to talk with an adoption professional like Lifetime Adoption, or a local adoption attorney, to learn what applies where they live.
What if my family is pressuring me to parent?
Many birth mothers tell us their families tried to pressure them into parenting. Adoption is an emotional idea to accept, and your parents may feel they’re about to lose a grandchild. Explaining what modern adoption looks like can help them accept your decision and repair strained relationships.
You may be asked, “How could you give your baby away?” You might answer: “How could I not? Good moms put the needs of their children before their own needs. I want the very best for my baby, but I can’t provide that for him right now. I don’t feel right about dragging my son along for this struggle.”
Adoption is a complex but loving decision, and you don’t deserve to be made to feel bad about it. If you’re feeling pressure to parent before you’re ready, explain what modern adoption is really like, and lean on your Adoption Coordinator to help you plan what to say.
What if my family never comes around?
Many families do come around once they learn how open adoption works. Family members who love you unconditionally often soften over time, no matter how they first reacted.
But even if they don’t, you won’t go through this alone. You’ll have:
- Your Adoption Coordinator, who supports you from your first contact with Lifetime through making your adoption plan and completing the adoption.
- Your child’s adoptive family, who you choose.
- Peer support from a birth mother, a woman who has placed a child for adoption. She has navigated the same waters and can share tips on dealing with unsupportive family members and offer understanding you can’t get from anyone else.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can my parents stop me from placing my baby for adoption?
If you’re an adult, your parents can’t make this decision for you, even if they strongly disagree. If you’re a minor, a parent may in rare cases need to be involved, and the rules differ by state. Contact an adoption professional like Lifetime Adoption or a local adoption attorney to learn what applies where you live.
Why is my family against adoption?
Usually because they love you. Common reasons include outdated ideas about closed adoption, hoping to raise the baby themselves, worry that you’ll regret your decision, feeling hurt or judged, or cultural and religious views.
What if my family never comes around?
You still won’t be alone. Your Adoption Coordinator, other birth mothers, and your baby’s adoptive family can support you throughout the process, and many families soften over time.
Can my family be part of an open adoption?
In many open adoptions, yes, if you and the adoptive family are comfortable with it. Adoptive parents can send your parents photos and updates about their grandchild, and some families join calls or visits. You decide how much contact you want.
Need help talking to your family?
Lifetime Adoption is always available to help you face unsupportive family and friends. If you’re making an adoption plan and need advice on how to talk to someone, call or text us at 1-800-923-6784.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on June 2, 2017, and has since been updated.
As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.
Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.
As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.
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