As you think about adoption, you probably have lots of questions about your child’s understanding of their adoption. You may also have questions about how the parents will tell your child about you.
Right now, you may be wondering:
- How will the adoptive parents refer to me when explaining about the adoption?
- How and when will my child know they were adopted?
- Will I be able to talk to my child about their adoption?
In the past, people kept adoption a family secret. It was typical for children to grow up unaware that they were adopted and learn about their biological family much later in life. Fortunately, this isn’t the case anymore.
With today’s modern adoptions, adoptive parents tell children their adoption stories and about their birth parents from the beginning. Open adoptions are “the new norm,” as a study from the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute titled “Openness in Adoption” found that 95% of adoptions are open in some way. From the moment the parents you selected bring your baby home, they’re encouraged to speak positively of their adoption story and of you.
Since the adoptive parents see adoption as a part of their family’s story, it will always be a normal part of your child’s life. That means your child will always know about their adoption, so it won’t shock or surprise them.
You might have fears, like, “Will my child hate me for placing them for adoption?” and “Will they understand why I chose adoption?” These are all normal concerns. Since you love your baby unconditionally, you want to make sure that they will know that and feel comfortable with their adoption and with you.
Understanding Different Levels of Open Adoption
When considering adoption, it’s important to know that you have control over the level of openness that feels right for you. Birth parents can choose from several options:
Picture and Letter Updates: Many birth parents choose to receive regular photos and written updates about their child’s milestones, achievements, and daily life. This allows you to watch your child grow while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Phone and Video Calls: Some birth parents feel comfortable with occasional phone conversations or video calls with the adoptive family. This can include birthday calls, holiday greetings, or simply checking in on how everyone is doing.
In-Person Visits: Other birth parents choose to have periodic face-to-face meetings. These might be annual visits, attendance at special events like graduations, or casual get-togethers that work for everyone involved.
The level of contact you choose can evolve over time as relationships develop and circumstances change. What’s most important is that you select the level of openness that feels comfortable and sustainable for you.
Do Adopted Children Know They Were Adopted?
Most adopted children grow up knowing they were adopted. Today, 95% of adoptions are open, meaning children and their adoptive parents keep in touch with their birth families. Open adoption has been proven to benefit all involved, most importantly, the adopted child. Children placed through open adoption benefit from a stronger sense of identity, surrounded by love from their adoptive parents and birth parents. Plus, they won’t have to wonder where they came from.
Adoptive families celebrate their child’s adoption story with them from early on, which helps the child as they form their identity. Most adopted children also learn about their biological family from a young age. This knowledge helps them feel connected to their birth family.
At Lifetime, we understand how important openness is to adoptive families, birth parents, and adoptees alike. While it is your decision about what kind of relationship you want with your baby and the adoptive family, Lifetime Adoption requires that each of our adoptive families be open to contact with you after placement.
Our adoption professionals provide adoptive families with education and support to ensure that they tell their child that they were adopted from the beginning. Your child will grow up understanding their adoption story. Since you’re in complete control of the parents you choose for your baby and can get to know them during your pregnancy, you can be confident that they will talk about adoption the way you wish.
What Adoptive Parents Will Tell Your Child About You
If you don’t want to stay in contact with the adoptive family after the adoption, your child will still learn about you from their parents to whatever extent the adoptive parents know about you. Your child will know whatever facts about you that you would like them to know. They will know that you love them and chose adoption because of that love.
If you choose an open adoption, you’ll be able to tell your child yourself about why you chose adoption. This option lets you and your child get to know one another directly. Many birth mothers keep a relationship with their child and the adoptive parents, which can feel much like an extended family.
Discuss With the Adoptive Parents
Once you choose adoptive parents for your baby and decide to match with them, you can ask them how they plan to tell your child that he was adopted. You can also ask what they’ll tell your child about you.
You can talk with your child’s future parents about how they’ll talk to your child about adoption. Together, you can discuss how your child’s adoption story will be a part of their life and how you’d like them to tell that story.
If you’d feel more comfortable having your Adoption Coordinator discuss it with the family for you, let her know. She will share your needs with the adoptive couple. And she’ll be able to give them ideas on how they can talk with your child about adoption and about you.
Make a Keepsake for Your Baby
You can share with the adoptive parents what you want your baby to know about you. For example, some birth mothers have created a scrapbook, booklet, or similar keepsake for their child.
Inside, the birth mother writes a letter to her baby and shares things like her hobbies, life, and why she decided on adoption.
If you make a booklet like this, you can also include photos of you, your family, and your baby’s father. You can create an actual booklet or scrapbook, or you can make a digital one through a service like MyMemories.com.
Once your child grows older, their adoptive parents can give this keepsake to him. Feel free to get as creative as you’d like! This keepsake allows you to tell your child about your love for him and share your history, personality, and reasons for choosing adoption.
The father of your baby can add to your keepsake book too. Or, he could write a letter. You might even invite your family to add to the book, share photos, or write a letter to your baby.
The adoptive parents will treasure the information you’ve provided and share it with your child at an appropriate age. In the homes of Lifetime adoptive parents, the word “adoption” is in their child’s vocabulary early on, and they celebrate adoption.
Real Stories of Open Adoption
Sarah’s Story – Letters and Photos
Sarah was 24 when she found out she was pregnant. She knew right away that choosing adoption would be difficult, but she wanted to do what was best for her son.
“I knew that (my son) needed so many things I wouldn’t be able to give him,” she says. “And that’s where I had to separate myself. That’s where I had to break my own heart to do what was best for him. I’m so proud that I made this decision for him; he’s flourishing. Every few months, I get pictures and letters telling me about his soccer games, favorite books, and how he’s doing in school. I can’t think of anything more wonderful than knowing that he’s gonna be forever loved. I want birth moms to know that they can do anything.”
Adrianne’s Experience – Annual Visits
Adrianne chose African American adoptive parents for her son. Today, she visits her son and his family every year in Atlanta for his birthday.
“I felt nothing but warmth and love from the adoptive couple I chose. Both Doug and Cheryl, they just embraced me. It just felt like family. I’m so glad Cheryl is my son’s mom,” shares Adrianne. “One of the greatest things a parent could ever do is place their child into the hands of someone else to honor and love and care for them. Being able to see my son in the flesh, touch him, hear him laugh, see him smile. I can get on a plane and go see him and just see his smile and I’ll be alright.”
Liz’s Story – Growing Relationship
When Liz initially contacted an adoption agency, she was told her next step was to choose adoptive parents for her baby. Derrick and Lori’s profile drew Liz’s attention right away, and she felt like something just “clicked.”
“I was faced with this unwanted pregnancy and I didn’t know exactly what an open adoption was, what a closed adoption was…” she says. “I didn’t know there were two sides to the journey. I remember hugging the mom, Lori, at the hospital, and she said this isn’t goodbye. This is I’ll see you later. What I didn’t want ever is for my daughter to think that she wasn’t loved and that’s why she was placed up for adoption.”
The open adoption that Liz and the adoptive mom of her baby, Lori, have arranged allows Liz’s daughter to realize just how very loved she is. And not only by her adoptive parents; by her birth mother too. Today, Liz receives updates on her daughter and sees her in person a couple times a year. She knows Liz placed her for adoption because she wanted her to have opportunities she couldn’t provide at the time.
Lifetime Adoption has helped thousands of birth parents make an adoption plan through our agency, most through open adoptions. We understand how important it is for children to grow up knowing how amazing adoption is and how courageous their birth parents are.
We can help you create a strong, positive open adoption relationship, so you’ll always know that your child understands your adoption decision and appreciates you.
Talking About Adoption
Whether you choose an open or closed adoption, the adoptive parents will have gratitude and appreciation for you all the same. Your baby will grow up knowing they are loved by both their birth family and adoptive family.
Adopted children today understand what adoption means and how it works. They also understand that adoption was a decision their birth parents made out of unconditional love for them.
If you’d like to learn more about how the adoptive parents will talk to your child about adoption or get answers to any other questions, call or text Lifetime at 1-800-923-6784.
Helpful Information and Resources
Essential Adoption Guides:
- How the Adoption Process Works
- How to Choose the Right Adoptive Family
- Financial Support During Your Adoption Planning
- How to Tell if Adoption is Right for You
- Your Adoption Plan [the Complete Guide]
Emotional Support Resources:
- Licensed Counseling for Expectant Mothers
- Peer Support Services
- Grief and Loss Support in Adoption
- Coping With Mood Swings During Pregnancy
- Gaining Perspective: Questions Adoptees Ask Their Birth Parents
Practical Planning Tools:
- Hospital Bag Checklist
- Questions to Ask Potential Adoptive Families
- What Does Open Adoption Mean? – Creating Your Communication Plan
- Post-Placement Support Services
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on May 12, 2018, and has since been updated.
Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P., is nationally recognized as an expert on open adoption. A Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P.), Caldwell is the founder of Lifetime Adoption Center, established in 1986. She has assisted in over 2,000 successful adoptions and was one of the first adoption professionals on the Internet.
Caldwell's life work is dedicated to educating and helping birth parents find the right adoptive parents for their child. She spreads the word about modern adoption through speaking appearances, webinars, online resources, and as a podcast show host.
She has written several award-winning books, including So I Was Thinking About Adoption, the first book of its kind. There are many reasons women choose adoption, and this short book is a comprehensive resource to make the best plan for you and your baby. Caldwell wrote So I Was Thinking About Adoption as a handy guide to the details of the adoption process.
Caldwell has made over 150 media appearances, including ABC News, CBS News, Larry King Live, CNN Headline News, NBC's The Today Show, CNN's The Campbell Brown Show, NBC News, KGO Newstalk Radio, CNN's Black in America II, MSNBC, Fox, PBS, BBC, and Dr. Laura.
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