How to Provide Emotional Support to a Friend Choosing Adoption

If one of your friends is pregnant and choosing adoption, you may not know what to say or how to support her in the way she needs right now. Getting pregnant when you didn’t plan on it is a challenging situation, and your friend is probably already under lots of stress. The best thing you can do is offer your emotional support to your friend. Let her know you’re here for her, even if it’s just to listen.
 
Try to look at things from her point of view: she’s pregnant and nervous and probably feeling totally alone. She needs you to have her back at this time in her life. If your friend is considering adoption, you may have your own thoughts about it. However, remember, adoption is her choice, and your only duty is to support her, whatever she chooses.
 
Here, you’ll find 8 ways to provide practical and emotional support to your friend as she moves through the adoption process. I’ll also give some examples of what not to do or say as you support her.
 
If you’re the one making an adoption plan, share this post with your close friends so they can learn how to support you best.
 

How to Support a Pregnant Friend

1. Reach out

When your friend is struggling, knowing you’re there for them can make a big difference. Ask if she wants company, someone to talk to, or help with specific tasks.  
 
Don’t try to get her to change her mind about adoption; focus on supporting her through the process she has chosen. You can validate her experience by saying something like, “It’s okay to feel sad or scared.”
 
Becoming pregnant unexpectedly can make some women feel like they’re losing touch with their previous identity. Suggest spending time together doing an activity that you used to do together. Maybe you can go out to the movies or dinner. Or something more casual might be better, like having her over to binge-watch one of her favorite shows and do your nails.
 

2. Keep your mind open

Everyone has their own opinions about adoption, so keep an open mind and know that each mother’s situation is different. Every adoption plan is unique because birth mothers have so many choices available with open adoption.
 
No matter what your friend has to say, be there for her to talk to. You don’t have to become an expert on adoption. Sometimes, the advice she needs is out of your scope. Just listen to her reasons for choosing adoption, and encourage her to contact an adoption agency. A reputable agency like Lifetime Adoption will let her know her rights and options so that she can make the best adoption plan for her and her baby.
 

3. Listen to her without judgment

To best give your friend the emotional support she needs, listen to her feelings and try to understand what she’s going through. Keep the focus on your friend; don’t compare her situation with anyone else’s. Let her express her emotions freely, even if they seem conflicting, without trying to fix or minimize her feelings. Don’t minimize her pain by saying things like, “it’s for the best.”
 
If she shares distressing thoughts or behaves out of character, try not to judge her. It’s likely difficult for your friend to talk about these sorts of thoughts. She may already feel judgmental of herself. Try to listen, reassure them, and offer support where possible.
 
“When I would mention the adoption to my friends, having them just listen and acknowledge my feelings helped, rather than trying to change my mind,” says M., a birth mother who placed her son for adoption five years ago.
 

4. Offer practical help

The most effective way to determine what your friend needs is to communicate with them. However, if she’s feeling down, she might find it challenging to identify her needs. Here are some ideas for ways you can help her:

• Help with cleaning, laundry, and other household tasks
• Assist with cooking and grocery shopping
• If she has kids already take care of them so she can get some rest or have some time for herself

The practical help you offer your friend might also include giving her a ride to appointments, help researching adoption agencies, or simply running errands to alleviate stress. 
 
Just make sure to be specific in the ways you can help along the way. For example, you could say something like, “If you ever need a ride to an appointment, I may be available to help on weekday afternoons.” This allows you to offer specific help and commit to the level of support you can give her.
 

5. Learn about adoption

Learn about the modern adoption process: it’ll help you better understand her experience. It will also help you avoid making insensitive comments as you provide emotional support to your friend.  
 
Nowadays, adoption is all about her choices and rights. Your friend has the right to choose her baby’s adoptive parents and decide how things go down at the hospital when it’s time for her to deliver. She’s also able to keep in contact with that adoptive family and her child in the future.
 
You can learn more about modern, open adoption by downloading the free e-book called So I Was Thinking About Adoption. Adoption today isn’t “giving your child up,” but giving them a better life—a life with two parents and the security they want for their child. By choosing adoption over abortion, these women aren’t thinking about themselves. They’re making the brave and selfless choice to put their child’s needs above their own.
 
“My best friend found out she was pregnant at 17. She wasn’t ready to become a mom yet, so she placed her baby for adoption. When any of our friends say stuff like, ‘How could she just give her baby away?!'” I have her back and would clap back, ‘Actually, she’s doing what’s best for her baby!'” says Kristina.
 

6. Help her with doctor’s appointment

If your friend has never been pregnant before, she’s probably nervous about her first prenatal visit. Offer to go along with her to the doctor. You could offer to sit in the waiting room with her or attend the appointment. If she already has children, you could offer to look after them while she goes to appointments.
 
She may need help scheduling the appointments or knowing what to ask her doctor. These are also tasks you can support her in. Brainstorm with her the best questions to ask the doctor or look up helpful info for her. If you go to the prenatal checkup with your friend, you could take notes to help her remember the conversation. 
 

7. Give her space

At times, your friend might need some space and time alone to think. She may feel guilty for not wanting to spend time around other people. Or if she might not be feeling well enough to even reply to texts.
 
You could let her know that she only needs to see or respond to you when she feels able. Or you can message your friend to tell her you’re thinking of her. And let her know she doesn’t need to send a response.
 

8. Offer your support after the adoption

After she places her baby with the adoptive family, she’ll be going through some major emotions. She needs your support now more than ever. Make yourself available to talk whenever she needs you, even if it’s just to listen.  
 
Any feelings she has are normal, so ask your friend to keep talking to her counselor if possible. Lifetime Adoption gives her access to both peer support and licensed counselors. Women who have placed a child for adoption in the past provide peer support. It can help your friend to talk with someone who has also gone through the adoption process.
  

Respect Her Decision

Avoid pressuring your friend to change her mind about adoption. Respect her decision and avoid trying to convince her to keep the baby by saying things like, “You’ll regret this.” Don’t make judgmental comments or assumptions about her reasons for placing her child for adoption.
 
While your friend may ask for your advice or support, be cautious of overstepping boundaries. Giving advice without being asked can upset the person receiving it because they didn’t request your opinion in the first place. Any advice can feel like you’re judging or criticizing them, especially if they didn’t ask for your input.
 
Even if you have a lot of thoughts about the situation, it’s ultimately up to your friend to decide what to do. The best thing you can do is create a safe space where they know they can come to you for advice if they want.
 
It’s important to respect your friend’s privacy and boundaries. She might want your advice and involve you in her decisions, or she might not. Either way, it’s important to support her choice.
 

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on February 10, 2017, and has since been updated.