Selecting adoptive parents for your baby tends to be one of the most exciting and nerve-wracking parts of the adoption process. What’s the best way to identify the right adoptive parents for you and your child?
With open adoption, you can set preferences for what you’d like to see in prospective adoptive parents. You can also speak with potential parents to ensure they are a good fit for you. What are some questions to ask adoptive parents?
How to Prepare to Talk With Adoptive Parents
Your Adoption Coordinator will always be available to help you get ready to talk with adoptive parents. She will help arrange a conversation between you and the adoptive parents, typically through a phone call.
Preparing for this first conversation with your coordinator’s guidance can help ease any nerves. While this meeting is an exciting milestone, it’s completely normal to feel a little overwhelmed. Learning more about the adoptive family ahead of time and writing down any questions you’d like to ask can help you feel more confident. Your coordinator can also go over your questions with you beforehand if that would be helpful.
Many people compare this first conversation to a first date—it’s natural for there to be a few awkward moments! But with a little preparation and your adoption professional by your side, you’ll have the support you need to get to know the adoptive family. And remember, they’re likely feeling just as nervous as you are!
It’s common to feel nervous about talking with and meeting potential adoptive parents for the first time. If you’re feeling way uncomfortable about this phone call, please feel free to speak up to your coordinator at Lifetime Adoption Agency.
She can join in on the call to support you and help you out in your convo, ensuring you and the adoptive parents are comfortable throughout. Having her there can help break the ice, and it also makes sure that your questions are answered without putting you on the spot.
Adoptive Parent Profiles
Your adoption coordinator will show you the adoptive family’s profile before you speak since they meet your preferences. Their profile can often answer many of your questions about the family, such as why they’re hoping to adopt.
However, since choosing parents to raise your baby is a big decision, most women want to speak with the parents themselves first. The prospective adoptive parent’s profile can tell you lots of things about them, like where they live, what their interests are, what their jobs are, info about their extended family, and much more.
But what you can’t get from a profile is the feeling behind what they’ve written. By being able to ask them questions directly, you’re able to get the complete picture of the adoptive couple as a potential family for your baby.
Questions to Ask Adoptive Parents
When you talk to an adoptive couple, not many questions are off-limits. You’re putting a lot of trust in them to parent and love your baby unconditionally, after all! So now’s not the time to be shy or to worry about offending anyone.
Below are possible questions you might ask the adoptive parents, arranged by topic. If you’re feeling anxious or scared about asking some of these questions, it may be a good idea to practice.
Have a friend or family member act as the adoptive family. This practice can help you feel more comfortable when the time comes to speak with any waiting families, whether it’s in person, online, or over a phone call.
Adoption & Their Relationship with You
Understanding how the adoptive family views adoption and their relationship with you can help set expectations and build a connection. These questions explore their openness to communication, their perspective on adoption, and how they plan to talk to your child about their adoption story.
- Why are you adopting?
- What kind of connection do you hope to have with me during the adoption process and after?
- Are you open to exchanging letters, photos, or social media and having phone calls, texts, or occasional visits?
- How will you refer to me when you talk to my child about me?
- Can you describe your ideal relationship with a birth family?
- Do you know anyone who’s currently in an open adoption?
- How will you approach adoption-related issues when they come up? How about with friends, family members, and acquaintances?
- How do you plan on talking with my child about their adoption?
Family & Home Life
Getting to know the adoptive family’s daily life, traditions, and community can give you insight into the kind of environment your child will grow up in. These questions focus on their relationships, activities, and support systems, including extended family and close friends.
- How and when did you meet?
- What are your favorite qualities about your spouse?
- Do you have any other children? Were they adopted?
- Do you plan to have any more children?
- What are your hobbies?
- What kind of activities will my child grow up doing in your family?
- How often do you think you’ll travel as a family?
- What does a typical weekend look like for you?
- What are your community and home like?
- Why is your community a good place to raise a child?
- Do you have friends living near you? Do they have small children?
- Is your extended family supportive of your adoption? Are they excited for you?
- What is your extended family like? How involved will they be in my child’s life?
Parenting & Education
Every family has different parenting styles and beliefs about discipline, education, and instilling values in their children. These questions help you understand how they plan to raise your child, what kind of schooling they prefer, and how they approach teaching kindness and strong values.
- What are your parenting beliefs?
- How will you discipline? (For example, spankings, time-outs, or reward systems)
- What do you think your parenting style will be like? (If the adoptive couple already has children, you can ask, “What’s your parenting style like with them?”)
- What strategies will you use to instill kindness and strong values in my child?
- What are your feelings about public, private, or home school?
Work & Childcare Plans
Balancing work and family life is important, and these questions help you understand the adoptive parents’ plans for parental leave, childcare, and their daily work schedules. This can give you a sense of how much time they’ll spend with your child and their approach to childcare.
- How long do you plan to stay home with my baby before returning to work?
- What kind of childcare plans do you have once you return to work?
- What is your work schedule like, and how will that affect your child’s life?
Values & Faith
If faith and personal values are important to you, these questions can help you understand the family’s beliefs and religious practices and how they will introduce those values to your child. This section also explores their approach to spirituality and community involvement.
- What are your values?
- Do you follow a certain religion?
- Do you attend church regularly?
- What drew you to your church?
- What’s your church community like?
- Are you involved in any activities or organizations that are religious? (such as Bible study groups or volunteer work).
- Is it important that you have your children baptized?
- How will you teach my child about the Lord?
Questions From the Adoptive Parents
The conversation between you and the hopeful adoptive parents will naturally flow as each of you asks and answers questions, allowing you to get to know each other and build a connection. It’s a time for open and honest dialogue, where both parties can express their hopes, concerns, and expectations for the adoption journey. The adoptive parents may ask you questions such as:
- What are your hopes for your child?
- How much future contact would you like?
- What type of contact are you hoping for?
- What about us stood out to you as parents?
Taking time to consider your answers to these questions before speaking with the adoptive parents can help you feel more confident and prepared for the conversation. It allows you to reflect on what matters most to you, ensuring that you can communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly.
Thinking ahead can also help reduce any anxiety and make it easier to express your expectations, whether about future contact, the qualities you value in adoptive parents, and your hopes for your child’s future. Knowing where you stand on these important topics allows you to have a more open, meaningful, and productive conversation.
Goals for Your First Meeting
Your goal is to get to know the couple as best as you can. Your coordinator can help guide you in what questions not to ask, too.
If at any time you feel uncomfortable with these interview questions or the conversation itself — or if you feel the adoptive couple isn’t treating you with respect — let them know. If that feels uncomfortable, you can tell your adoption coordinator later, too. You don’t have to speak with them further if you don’t want to.
Meeting in this way is probably new for all of you, and feeling nervous is completely normal. Adoptive families also have to go through a process of their own, including interviews with social workers, a study of their home, and much more.
Meeting and talking about significant topics are important parts of the adoption process. It can take time to create an adoption plan and find the right match for your baby.
This article was originally published on September 13, 2016, and has since been updated.
As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.
Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.
As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.
I love this post but it also makes me sad, regretful, and jealous. I am a product of closed adoption and so my birth mother was not given these tools to work with. She made the adoption plan for my twin sister and me with Catholic Charities and it took five years of searching for her to find out about my background. What a gift open adoption is to birth mothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents. The gift of shared information throughout the adoption experience benefits everyone touched by adoption.
Thank you for sharing about your experience, Julie!