Bonding With Your Child Starts Here: What New Adoptive Parents Need to Know

When you’re hoping to adopt an older child, it’s exciting to think the day when you’ll finally bring your adopted child home. Some adoptive parents wish to feel like an “instant family” and expect to bond with their adopted child immediately after bringing them home. Secretly, these parents may worry and feel uncertain. What if they don’t feel a connection with their adopted child?
 
Lifetime has seen firsthand the special bonds that develop between adoptive parents and their children. Like many other aspects of parenting, bonding with your adopted child takes work and dedication. There are usually adjustments in the first few months for both the family and the child. One question you may have is how you can best bond with your adopted child. Here are some suggestions for bonding with an adopted child that may help you and answer this question. You’ll also discover what to consider once you bring your child home—and find reassurance about one of the most common worries we hear from hopeful adoptive parents: ‘Will my adopted child love me?’”
 

Table of Contents

• The Benefits of Bonding
• How Can We Bond With Our Adopted Child?
• You’ve Adopted a Child…Now What?
• Will My Adopted Child Love Me?
• What You Can Do to Establish a Deeper Bond
• What To Do if Bonding With Your Child Isn’t Going So Well

The Benefits of Bonding

Bonding will help create a strong emotional attachment for you and your child throughout your years together. It will help them grow into secure, happy adults in the future. Other important benefits of bonding with your adopted child include:

• Improves the child’s brain ability to learn
• Helps the child learn how to govern their feelings
• Assists in developing self-confidence
• Helps them develop a healthy social lifestyle
• Aids in developing their conscience
• Improves their mental health
• Teaches them how to relate to others

How Can We Bond With Our Adopted Child?

There will be many adjustments to make when you bring your adopted child into your home. As you learn things about your child, they’re learning things about you and their new family. It’s a time of exploration and growth for everyone.
 
It’s natural for us to ask, ‘How will this affect me?’—but adoptive parenting invites a different mindset: ‘How can I best support this child?’ Leading with empathy makes all the difference. And beautifully, when we shift the focus from ourselves to what our child needs, we create the foundation for a relationship that becomes deeply rewarding for everyone involved.
 
One of the things adoptive parents should work towards is to create a bond with your child. There are many strategies on how to do this. Here are five practical ways to bond with your child:
 

1. Consistent routine

Adopted children need a lifestyle that consists of routine and structure. So we suggest establishing a routine of when your child will eat, nap, play, and go to bed.
 
Over time, they will understand they can depend upon you to meet their needs. They will feel a sense of safety in the predictability of this routine. It seems simple, but having a consistent routine will help create a bond between you and the child.
 
Likewise, it’s important to be consistent with rules and discipline. Older adopted kids typically come from homes where there was little to no consistency. As a result, your child may be surprised to see you follow through on chores, rules, bedtimes, or food since it’s an entirely new experience for them.
 
Keep your rules simple, and be clear about what you expect. Ensure that your child understands the consequences beforehand, and then give them praise when they do a good job.
 

2. Give your child a little space

Everyone in your household needs space once in a while. So give your adopted child a little place of their own, whether it’s a corner with their toys and books or a special chair for them to sit in while they watch television.
 
Allow your child to decorate their room, and make sure to knock on the door before entering. Adopted children need to feel that this new home is their own and that they can feel comfortable staying there.
 
Every day around the same time, allow them to have time on their own. You can call it “rest time” or “alone time,” where they play quietly or look at books. It’s time where they can get recharged.
 

3. Play

Kids love to play, so be playful with your child. For example, engage them in a game of “hide and seek.” Even a little child can play this game and enjoy the fun of being found. Tell jokes and laugh with them. Children love attention, and playing with your child is a wonderful way to build a natural bond with them.
 

4. Be There

Adopted children need to know you are there for them at all times. You can show this by encouraging them to talk to you, even if they say upsetting things at first.
 
Listen to them, asking questions on how they’re feeling about certain things. Try to avoid giving them short answers or directing the conversation. Allow them the space to vent when they need.
 
Your child may need to talk at strange times of the day or night or call from school and want to speak with you. Or they might want to wear certain clothes or be hungry at weird times of the day.
 
All of these behaviors is completely normal for an adopted child. It’s your child’s way of checking to see if you care for them like you promised you would. It may be difficult for you to watch them struggle, but all of this is a necessary part of their adjustment into your family.
 
There are so many things for your child to learn about their new family and life. Teach them to ask for help if they don’t understand something. Remind them that’s it’s okay to need help.
 
Everybody needs help once in a while. When your child asks you for help, be sure to respond in a positive way that will make them want to ask you for help in the future. Also, be sure to be a good role model for your child by asking for help from other adults or your kids. It will help them see how everyone in a family supports one another.
 

5. Build Confidence

Adopted kids sometimes worry their adoptive family will get enraged at them if they make a mistake. Unfortunately, this concern is common, especially in older adopted kids.
 
Be sure to make every effort to reassure your child that you love them and are committed to them. Encourage them. Don’t just point out the good things they do, but encourage their character qualities.
 
So instead of saying, “You did a good job of making your bed,” you might say, “I noticed how hard you worked on your room. That’s great.”
 
You can build your child’s confidence by encouraging their independence with good thought-provoking questions like, “What did you notice about that story we read?” Encourage them to help you solve problems with questions such as, “What do you think we can do to help our sick next-door neighbor?”
 
Your child will grow in confidence as you listen to them and encourage their contributions to problem-solving in the family.
 

You’ve Adopted a Child…Now What?

You’ve adopted a child. Awesome! Now you have entered the new world of parenting.

It may be unlike any other world you’ve been a part of before. Being a parent is rewarding, challenging, uncertain, and incredibly special — all at the same time.

Here are some things to consider doing once you get your child home with you.

#1: Take time to connect.

Like any new relationship, connecting with your adopted child requires time, emotional availability, and consistency. Make time for connecting with your child in a way that’s meaningful for them. Maybe that’s snuggling or co-sleeping. For toddlers or younger children, maybe it’s reading stories together, playing games, or running errands together.

As you get to know each other, keep them close to you so they feel comfortable and safe.

#2: Write your child’s adoption story down.

Your child’s unique story can be an incredibly special gift to share with them. Write down some important details about the process of how he or she came to be adopted into your family. Include some of the feelings you had throughout the journey. You don’t need to romanticize it but focus on excitement, joy, and love.

As your child gets older, you can read through their adoption story together. This could give them the opportunity to ask questions — either about the process, their birth family history, or their identity in general. It can help them learn about their birth parents, immediate birth family members, and extended family and friends.

#3: Focus on the details — but not too much.

Raising a child is full of details.

What size clothes do they wear? Which pediatrician should you take them to? What’s their favorite toy? Which school is best for them?

It is easy to become overwhelmed with all the details of raising a child. Take each detail as it comes to you, rather than becoming a ball of anxiety about everything at once.

Live in the moment with your child. Take in the wonder of who they are, rather than getting wrapped up too much in the day-to-day details.

#4: Worry is normal for parents.

Being a parent means your capacity to love has increased in a way you could have never imagined it. That comes with worry at times.

You’ll always be concerned about your child getting injured or sick. When they leave home for their first day of preschool or kindergarten, you might worry if they will find their way in the building or that they will make friends. When they go to summer camp for the first time, or you drop them off at a birthday party by themselves for the first time, you’ll always have that feeling of wanting to keep them safe in the back of your mind.

#5: Plan for your child’s future.

Consider setting aside money every month for your child’s college fund. There are a few different college savings plans out there that provide great options for college tuition and other educational expenses. A trusted financial professional can help you determine which one is right for your family.

#6: Create or update your will.

This is one of the top priorities for new parents. Having a clear will provides legal and financial protection for your family in case of an unexpected death of one or both adoptive parents.

Find an attorney you trust to handle your estate planning so you can have peace of mind that your child is covered in the event of an emergency.

#7: Take time for your own self-care.

Being a parent is amazing, but it can also be stressful and draining sometimes. So don’t forget to take care of yourself. Take breaks, get enough sleep, set aside time for dates with your spouse, and don’t neglect your adult friendships.

Remember that self-care can include your child too. One of the best things for an overwhelmed parent can be a walk. Load that little one up in the stroller and get moving! You can get some much-needed fresh air, and babies especially love the motion of the moving stroller.

Being a parent is a challenging and rewarding endeavor. And becoming an adoptive parent is a decision that will change your life and that of your child. Hopefully, these tips will help you and your family navigate some of the more difficult moments that may arise after you’ve adopted a child.

Will My Adopted Child Love Me?

“Will my adopted child love me?” If you have this nagging question pop up, you are not alone. Many adoptive moms and dads wonder if their adopted child will feel for them the way someone’s biological children feel toward them as their birth parents.

Maybe you are concerned that the love your child has for you will be different or more than the love they would have for their birth mother.

You Are Irreplaceable

Children in open adoptions are often able to know and even have a relationship with their birth mother. But keep in mind that there is nothing that can replace you, even though the adopted child is not your biological child.

No one else will ever get to be your child’s adoptive parent! You are an added blessing into the child’s life, not a replacement that is the second-best.

A birth family or biological family has a role to play in an open adoption. Of course, both of you can work out the details of that in the open adoption process. But neither the adopted mother nor father should fear that their adopted sons and daughters will love them any less.

Rest in Your Role

Don’t sell yourself short or your adopted child, either. Your child will love many people during their lifetime, and it is true that the love they feel for each person is different. But that doesn’t mean that the love that your child will feel for you will be “less than” what they feel for their birth mother.

Rest peacefully, knowing that your role as their adopted parent is something incredibly special.

As the adoptive parent, you have the opportunity to nurture a child’s mind and heart and teach them about the world. You get to see the child grow and discover who they are and accept the truth that he is not just loved by you, but that his birth mother loved him so much that she made the loving choice of adoption.

Communicate Your Feelings

Just like you teach your kids to work through and process their emotions and feelings, so should you do the same when it comes to this big topic. Adopted children often have many things to communicate as they grow up, and it is OK for you to do the same thing. This is a healthy part of the adoption process.

What You Can Do to Establish a Deeper Bond

Forming a connection with your adopted child takes time and effort. However, with patience, consistency, and some creativity, you and your child will begin to establish a lifelong connection.

Here are some strategies that can help:

#1: Demonstrate you are reliable and a permanent person in your child’s life.

Depending on the adoption situation (especially in older child adoptions), your child might fear that your love is conditional. For example, maybe they think that your love will change if they misbehave or that you’ll want to leave them.
 
Show them — and tell them — that your heart will also overflow with love for them regardless of what they do. Making sure your child knows that you’re there to stay will help you both establish trust and an unwavering bond.
 

#2: Establish a routine.

Children need structure. Routines give them a sense of control, knowing what to expect. It also helps build trust with you as the parent.
 
So from the very get-go, establish rituals that your child can follow. For example, bedtimes, dinner at the same time every night, or weekly family movie nights are great ways to create a solid foundation of love and trust.
 

#3: Be patient.

Each child is different, and each adoption story is unique. Know that their bond with you will build with time. It may take longer than you want, and you may need to be patient. Continue to love them through it all, so when they are ready to open up, you’ll be ready too.
 
Remember, your child can give and receive love! It may not look exactly how you envisioned it at first, but with perseverance, you will become the rock and go-to for them as they get older.
 

What To Do if Bonding With Your Child Isn’t Going So Well

Remain patient and consistent if bonding with your adopted child isn’t going as well as you’d hoped. Over time, as you put in the work to bond with your child, it will happen. Pray and ask God to help you and your child adjust to the new normal.
 
If you feel stuck, don’t be afraid to ask for help from your adoption professional, pastor, or therapist to get through this challenging time. Sometimes children have real issues that parents won’t be able to solve at home. If that’s the case, it’s beneficial to get help from an adoption-competent counselor who is experienced in helping children overcome their problems.

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on August 25, 2021, and has since been updated.