Finding out you’re pregnant when you weren’t planning to be can bring a flood of emotions. You may feel shocked, scared, confused, angry, hopeful, or several of these emotions at once. You may immediately wonder, “What am I going to do?”
If you’re facing an unexpected pregnancy, take a breath. You don’t have to have everything figured out today. This pregnancy doesn’t define who you are or determine your future. You have options, and you can take time to learn about them before deciding.
Key Takeaways
- An unexpected pregnancy can bring many emotions, and you don’t have to figure everything out at once.
- Start by confirming your pregnancy and taking care of your health.
- Learn about your pregnancy options, including parenting, adoption, and abortion.
- Talk with someone you trust who will listen without pressuring you.
- Consider your circumstances, goals, support system, and hopes for the future.
- If you’re considering adoption, you can learn about the process and ask questions without committing to anything.
- You deserve compassionate, confidential support as you consider what’s right for you.
Table of Contents
- You Are Not Alone in Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy
- What Should I Do?
- What If I’m Already a Mom?
- What If I’m Afraid to Tell My Family I’m Pregnant?
- What If the Baby’s Father Doesn’t Support Me?
- What If I Can’t Afford to Raise a Baby?
- Is Adoption Right for Me?
- Can I Explore Adoption Without Committing to It?
- What Does Modern Adoption Look Like?
- What Is Open Adoption?
- Do I Have to Choose Adoption During Pregnancy?
- What If I Change My Mind About Adoption?
- What Should I Do Next?
- Frequently Asked Questions
You Are Not Alone in Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy
An unexpected or unplanned pregnancy is more common than you might think. According to the U.S. Office on Women’s Health, about 1 in 2 pregnancies in America are unplanned.
That doesn’t make your situation any less personal. Your circumstances, relationships, goals, finances, health, and feelings are unique to you.
You may be thinking:
- “I don’t know if I can raise another child.”
- “I’m not ready to be a mother.”
- “How will I tell my family?”
- “What will the baby’s father say?”
- “I can’t afford a baby right now.”
- “Will having a baby change my plans for school or my career?”
- “Could adoption be right for me?”
- “I don’t even know what I want yet.”
These are important questions. You don’t need to answer all of them at once.
What Should I Do?
If you’ve just discovered you’re pregnant, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or unsure about what comes next. Taking things one step at a time can help you understand your situation, learn about your options, and make a decision that feels right for you.
Then, give yourself time to consider your pregnancy options. Depending on your circumstances and beliefs, those options may include parenting, adoption, or abortion.
You don’t have to make this decision based solely on fear, pressure, finances, or someone else’s expectations. Learning about each option can help you choose what fits your circumstances, values, and hopes for the future.
- Give Yourself Time to Process the News
A positive pregnancy test can make everything feel urgent. Some choices might need to be made soon, but you don’t have to decide everything about your future right away.
It’s normal to experience many different emotions after finding out about an unexpected pregnancy. You may feel happy one moment and frightened the next. You may grieve the plans you had for your life or feel uncertain about what becoming a parent would mean for you.
Try to give yourself some quiet time to process what you’re feeling.
Writing down your thoughts can help. You might ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What am I most worried about?
- What do I want my life to look like in the next few years?
- Do I feel ready to raise a child?
- What kind of support do I have?
- What challenges would parenting create?
- What questions do I need answered before deciding?
You don’t have to know all the answers yet. The goal is to understand your situation and learn your options.
- Take Care of Your Health
If you believe you’re pregnant, schedule an appointment with a healthcare provider. They can confirm the pregnancy, discuss your health history, answer medical questions, and help you understand what steps to take during pregnancy.
The U.S. Office on Women’s Health recommends starting pregnancy care promptly and taking steps to support your health.
If you’re unsure what you should or shouldn’t do during pregnancy, your doctor can guide you based on your individual circumstances.
Your physical health matters regardless of what you ultimately decide about your pregnancy.
- Learn About Your Pregnancy Options
When you’re facing an unexpected pregnancy, learning about your options can help you move forward with greater confidence.
Generally, there are three options to consider:
Parenting
You may decide to raise your child yourself. Parenting can bring significant changes and responsibilities, but you may have family members, friends, community programs, healthcare resources, or other forms of support available to you.
Consider what parenting would look like in your specific circumstances.
Ask yourself:
- Do I want to parent this child?
- What support would I have?
- Could I financially provide for a child?
- How would parenting affect my education or career?
- What would parenting mean for my other children, if I have any?
- Would the baby’s father be involved?
- What resources could help me prepare?
It also helps to know the real scope of the commitment. The average cost of raising a child to age 18 is about $320,000, according to inflation-adjusted 2015 data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture. That number isn’t meant to scare you. It’s meant to help you plan honestly.
You don’t need a perfect life or perfect circumstances to consider parenting. The important thing is understanding what parenting would realistically look like for you.
Adoption
If you don’t feel ready or able to raise a child, adoption is another option to consider.
Modern adoption gives you many choices. You have a voice in choosing an adoptive family, making a hospital plan, and deciding what type of ongoing contact you would like after placement.
You can explore adoption without committing to an adoption plan right away. You can ask questions, speak with an adoption professional, look at adoptive family profiles, and learn what adoption could look like for you.
And here’s something worth hearing clearly: choosing adoption does not make you a bad mother. It means you’re doing everything in your power to give your child the life you hope for them.
Abortion
Abortion is another pregnancy option. Laws, availability, timing, and medical considerations vary by state and individual circumstances, so anyone considering abortion should speak with a qualified healthcare provider about their situation.
Abortion is also irreversible, and some women experience complicated emotions afterward that they didn’t expect. Giving yourself enough time and information to decide, rather than deciding out of panic or pressure, matters here as much as with any other option.
If you’re unsure what you want to do, you can gather information about your options and talk with qualified professionals rather than making a decision based on pressure from other people.
- Remember: No One Else Can Make This Decision for You
Family members, friends, the baby’s father, or other people in your life may have strong opinions about your pregnancy.
Their feelings may matter to you. Their support may also be extremely valuable. But it’s important to tell the difference between support and pressure.
You deserve the opportunity to understand your options and make an informed decision about your pregnancy.
A trusted person should be willing to listen to your concerns rather than simply telling you what you should do.
If you’re feeling pressured, consider talking privately with a counselor or another trusted professional who can help you sort through your options.
- It’s OK to Feel Scared, Confused, or Overwhelmed
An unexpected pregnancy can change the way you imagined your future.
Maybe you were planning to finish school. Perhaps you’re building your career. Maybe you’re already parenting other children. Maybe your relationship isn’t stable. Perhaps you’re struggling financially or don’t have much support.
No matter what you’re going through, your feelings are real and okay.
You don’t have to pretend that you’re excited about a pregnancy simply because someone else thinks you should be. You can acknowledge that you’re scared while still taking thoughtful steps toward understanding your choices.
And feeling overwhelmed today doesn’t mean you’ll feel this way forever.
- Find Someone You Can Talk To
You don’t have to work through an unexpected pregnancy completely on your own.
Consider talking with someone who will listen without judging you. This might be:
- A trusted friend
- A family member
- Your doctor or other healthcare provider
- A counselor
- A school counselor
- A pastor or other trusted faith leader
- An adoption professional, if you’re considering adoption
- Someone who has personally experienced an unexpected pregnancy
The right support person doesn’t have to make your decision for you. Sometimes, having someone listen and help you organize your thoughts is enough to make the situation feel more manageable.
If you’re considering adoption, Lifetime Adoption also offers free, confidential counseling and support for women exploring their pregnancy options.
- Think About Your Future
An unexpected pregnancy can make you focus entirely on what is happening right now. But it can also be helpful to consider what you want your life to look like in the future.
Think about your:
Goals: What are your educational, career, relationship, and personal goals?
Finances: What financial resources and challenges would affect your decision?
Relationships: What kind of support do you have from the baby’s father, family, and friends?
Home: Where would you and your child live?
Health: Are there physical or emotional health issues you need to consider?
Other children: If you’re already a parent, how might another child affect your family?
Support system: Who would be there to help you?None of these questions has a simple answer. But considering them can help you better understand your situation.
What If I’m Already a Mom?
An unexpected pregnancy isn’t necessarily a first pregnancy.
If you already have children, you may feel especially conflicted. You may love being a mother but know that adding another child would create financial, emotional, or practical challenges.
You might wonder:
“How can I possibly care for another baby?”
“Will I have enough time for my other children?”
“Can I afford another child?”
“What if my family is already struggling?”
These concerns deserve to be taken seriously.
If you’re considering adoption for a second, third, or subsequent child, you can learn about your options and receive support while deciding what is best for your family.
What If I’m Afraid to Tell My Family I’m Pregnant?
You may be worried about how your parents, relatives, friends, or partner will react.
Before telling everyone, consider starting with one person you trust. Choose someone you believe will listen and support you even if they don’t initially understand your feelings.
Their first reaction might be shock, disappointment, or even anger. That can be painful, especially when you need support the most. But after decades of doing this work, here’s what we’ve seen: that first reaction is almost never the last one. Families need time to process, too. Give them some room, and give yourself permission to lean on other support in the meantime.
You can also speak privately with a counselor before telling family members if you’re unsure how to begin the conversation.
And if you are concerned that someone may become threatening or violent because of your pregnancy, prioritize your safety and seek help from a qualified professional or domestic violence resource.
What If the Baby’s Father Doesn’t Support Me?
Your baby’s father may have strong feelings about the pregnancy or about what you should do.
If your relationship is healthy and safe, talking openly may help you understand each other’s concerns. However, if you feel threatened, controlled, or pressured, you don’t have to handle that situation alone.
If you’re thinking about adoption or other pregnancy options, there may be laws about the baby’s father. These laws vary by state. If you’re considering adoption, an adoption attorney can explain the requirements that apply to your circumstances.
What If I Can’t Afford to Raise a Baby?
Financial concerns are one reason some women explore alternatives to parenting.
If you are considering parenting, ask a healthcare provider, social worker, or local community organization about resources that may be available to pregnant women and families.
A few specific programs worth knowing about regardless of what you decide:
- WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) — free nutrition support during pregnancy and after birth
- Medicaid — free or low-cost health coverage if you qualify
- SNAP — food assistance for eligible individuals and families
If you’re considering adoption, ask an adoption professional what assistance may be available. Depending on the circumstances and state laws, the adoptive parents you choose may be able to provide help with certain pregnancy-related expenses.
Is Adoption Right for Me?
There isn’t a simple test that can tell you whether adoption is right for you.
You may want to consider adoption if you don’t feel ready to parent and believe another family may be better prepared to provide the kind of life you hope for your child.
Some women consider adoption because of financial challenges. Others are already parenting children and don’t feel able to raise another. Some are in difficult relationships, are pursuing education or career goals, or know that parenting isn’t the right choice for them at this point in their lives.
Every adoption decision is personal.
If you’re curious about adoption, you don’t have to decide immediately. You can simply learn more.
Can I Explore Adoption Without Committing to It?
Yes. Learning about adoption does not mean you have committed to placing your baby for adoption.
You can talk with an adoption professional, ask questions, learn about different types of adoption, view adoptive family profiles, and explore what an adoption plan could look like.
At Lifetime Adoption, women can request information about adoption without an obligation to move forward. Our adoption coordinators are available to answer questions and provide confidential support.
If you do reach out, here’s what that support actually looks like: free, confidential counseling available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by phone, text, or email, usually with a real person within minutes, not a call center.
Support doesn’t stop at placement, either; coordinators stay available before, during, and after an adoption, and many birth mothers maintain relationships with Lifetime and their child’s adoptive family for years afterward. It’s a relationship, not a transaction.
Sometimes, understanding what adoption actually looks like can help you decide whether you want to pursue it.
What Does Modern Adoption Look Like?
Adoption today can involve many choices for the mother.
If you choose adoption, you have a say in:
- Which adoptive family you choose
- What qualities you’re looking for in an adoptive family
- Your preferences for the hospital experience
- How much communication you’d like with the adoptive family
- What kind of ongoing relationship you hope to have with your child
- How you want to participate in creating your adoption plan
Modern adoption is an approach in which the expectant mother has choices throughout the adoption process.
What Is Open Adoption?
In an open adoption, the birth mother and adoptive family maintain some form of ongoing relationship after placement.
The amount and type of contact can vary. It might include letters, photos, emails, text messages, phone calls, video chats, or visits.
Open adoption isn’t one specific arrangement. The relationship depends on the agreement and expectations the people involved set.
If you’re considering adoption, you can talk with an adoption professional about what different levels of openness could look like.
Do I Have to Choose Adoption During Pregnancy?
No. You can decide on adoption at different points throughout your pregnancy, and after you give birth.
If you’re pregnant and considering adoption, it can be helpful to start learning about the process early. This gives you more time to ask questions, explore families, and think through your preferences.
If you’re already further along in your pregnancy, it’s not too late to ask about adoption.
And if you’ve already given birth, it’s not too late to choose adoption. Some women don’t decide until they’re already at the hospital. Wherever you are in your pregnancy, or even after birth, it’s not too late to ask questions.
What If I Change My Mind About Adoption?
Adoption is a major decision, and you should understand the consent requirements and legal process that apply where you live before signing any legal documents.
If you are considering adoption, work with qualified adoption professionals and legal counsel so you understand your rights and the steps involved. Expectant mothers have the right to their own attorney at no cost. Your attorney will meet with you to share information about your rights, review your paperwork, and ask questions in a safe, unbiased place.
You should never feel pressured into making an adoption decision simply because you contacted an adoption agency.
What Should I Do Next?
If you’re facing an unexpected pregnancy and don’t know what to do, start with one step at a time.
- Confirm your pregnancy.
- Take care of yourself.
Follow appropriate medical guidance and avoid substances that could harm your pregnancy. - Learn about your options.
Take time to understand parenting, adoption, and abortion. - Talk to someone you trust.
You don’t have to keep your fears and questions to yourself. - Think about your future.
Consider your goals, relationships, finances, health, and support system. - Get professional guidance.
A healthcare provider or counselor can help you work through questions and concerns. - Don’t let someone else rush you.
Allow yourself to make an informed decision.
Schedule an appointment with a healthcare provider.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is an unexpected pregnancy?
An unexpected pregnancy is a pregnancy that occurs when you were not planning or intending to become pregnant. It is also commonly called an unplanned pregnancy or unintended pregnancy.
What should I do if I just found out I’m pregnant?
First, take a breath. Confirm your pregnancy with a healthcare provider and begin appropriate medical care. Then take time to learn about your pregnancy options and talk with someone you trust.
What are my options for an unexpected pregnancy?
The three primary pregnancy options are parenting, adoption, and abortion. Your individual circumstances, beliefs, health, location, and available resources can affect which options are available and appropriate for you.
I don’t want to be a parent. Can I choose adoption?
Yes. If you are pregnant and don’t feel ready or able to parent, adoption is an option you can explore. You can learn about adoption, ask questions, and decide whether it is right for you.
How do I know if adoption is right for me?
Consider your feelings about parenting, your situation, your support system, your goals, and what you hope for your child’s future. Talking with an adoption professional or counselor can also help you explore your feelings without requiring you to make an immediate decision.
Can I choose the adoptive family?
Yes. With modern adoption, you have the opportunity to participate in choosing your baby’s adoptive parents.
What is open adoption?
Open adoption involves some form of ongoing communication or relationship between the birth family and adoptive family. The amount and type of contact can vary and may include pictures, letters, phone calls, video chats, or visits.
What if I’m not sure about adoption?
You don’t have to know right away. You can gather information and talk with someone who understands adoption. Learning about adoption does not automatically commit you to placing your baby.
What if I already have children?
You can still consider adoption if this is a subsequent pregnancy. Some parents explore adoption because they don’t feel able to raise another child while meeting the needs of the children they already have.
What if I can’t afford a baby?
If you’re considering parenting, explore healthcare, government, and community resources that may be available. If you’re considering adoption, ask an adoption professional about assistance that may be available for eligible pregnancy-related expenses.
Can I talk to someone confidentially about my unexpected pregnancy?
Yes. A healthcare provider, counselor, or adoption professional can help you talk through your situation. If you’re considering adoption, Lifetime Adoption offers free and confidential information and support to women exploring adoption.
You Don’t Have to Figure Everything Out Today
An unexpected pregnancy can make you feel as though your entire future has suddenly changed. You may not know what you want yet, and that’s okay.
Start by taking care of your health. Give yourself time to process your emotions. Learn about your options. Talk with someone you trust. Ask questions.
If you’re considering adoption, you can also talk with Lifetime Adoption to learn what adoption could look like for you. You can ask questions without committing to an adoption plan.
Lifetime Adoption provides free, confidential support for women exploring adoption and can help you understand the adoption process, available support, adoptive family choices, and your options.
Call or text Lifetime Adoption at 1-800-923-6784 to talk confidentially with an adoption coordinator.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on December 22, 2017, and has since been updated.
Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P., is nationally recognized as an expert on open adoption. A Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P.), Caldwell is the founder of Lifetime Adoption Center, established in 1986. She has assisted in over 2,000 successful adoptions and was one of the first adoption professionals on the Internet.
Caldwell's life work is dedicated to educating and helping birth parents find the right adoptive parents for their child. She spreads the word about modern adoption through speaking appearances, webinars, online resources, and as a podcast show host.
She has written several award-winning books, including So I Was Thinking About Adoption, the first book of its kind. There are many reasons women choose adoption, and this short book is a comprehensive resource to make the best plan for you and your baby. Caldwell wrote So I Was Thinking About Adoption as a handy guide to the details of the adoption process.
Caldwell has made over 150 media appearances, including ABC News, CBS News, Larry King Live, CNN Headline News, NBC's The Today Show, CNN's The Campbell Brown Show, NBC News, KGO Newstalk Radio, CNN's Black in America II, MSNBC, Fox, PBS, BBC, and Dr. Laura.
Looking to talk to someone about An unplanned pregnancy. I’m a mom to 5 already & thought my family was complete! Just found out I’m expecting again & having. Hard time dealing with the emotions.
Hi Christina! You can give one of Lifetime’s kind and experienced coordinators a call or text at 1-800-923-6784. We have compassionate and well-trained staff available throughout the day (and night!) to answer your questions about an unplanned pregnancy.