Lifetime Adoption is proud to provide post adoption support for birth mothers and all resources for birth mothers after adoption are free. We know that these women will have so much on their minds after placing their children for adoption. Lifetime’s adoption coordinators want to put their minds at ease, which is why we focus on the mother’s post-adoption life.
After all, your adoption story doesn’t just end after you leave the hospital or when the adoption becomes final. Adoption is a lifelong journey that’s just starting now. While it’ll take a few weeks to recover physically from giving birth, the emotional recovery can be a whole other story. Many birth mothers find that the first few weeks are tough and face post adoption grief. Emotions are raw, and the feelings of grief are intense.
It’s totally normal to feel sad after your child’s adoption happens and they’re with their adoptive family. Keep reading to learn a few of the ways Lifetime Adoption supports birth mothers after adoption and to get a general timeline of what to expect in the first year after placement.
Table of Contents
- How Open Adoption Provides Post Adoption Support
- Free and Ongoing Post-Adoption Adoption Support
- Ongoing Connection: A Key Part of Post Adoption Support
- Essential Strategies for Your First Year After Placing
- Post Adoption Grief Timeline
- Grief Counseling as Post Adoption Support
- Frequently Asked Questions About Post Adoption Support
How Open Adoption Provides Post Adoption Support
Lifetime helps women as they consider open adoption, which means that moms choose adoptive parents for their child. Open adoption also allows birth mothers to maintain an ongoing relationship with their child’s adoptive family through updates, photos, visits, or other agreed-upon contact.
Because open adoption allows for this type of relationship, our support for birth mothers after adoption extends beyond what we can offer in terms of emotional and counseling support.
In other words, we think that open adoption creates an extended family that is proven to help birth mothers heal. It helps them move forward with their own lives, confident that their child will have the life they’ve planned for them.
Still, it’s important to provide professional adoption counseling services, as well. Let’s go over a few of the ways Lifetime Adoption supports birth mothers after adoption.
Free and Ongoing Post-Adoption Support
Lifetime Adoption Foundation
The Lifetime Adoption Foundation offers birth parents additional resources such as educational scholarships. This funding can be used for college or other educational needs, including books and laptops. You can learn more about the Lifetime Adoption Foundation here.
24/7 Contact Support
Resources for birth mothers after adoption are free and ongoing at Lifetime Adoption. For example, if at any point a birth mom needs to speak with someone, she can contact us 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All they have to do is call or text our office anytime at 1-800-923-6784.
Best of all, no matter when you call, someone will be there to listen. You won’t reach voicemail. We really are here for you 24/7!
Peer Support
Our Peer Support Network includes moms who have made the loving choice to place their child for adoption. They will remain available to birth mothers who need support after the adoption.
Peer counseling is one of the free resources for birth mothers after adoption and before adoption. They are available for regular appointments via email, phone, or text, or if you prefer to limit that contact to only those times it is needed. Think of our peer counselors as friends — someone to talk to who has walked the journey before. They can answer those awkward questions you may have.
It really helps to talk with someone who’s been through what you’re going through! Says one birth mom, Jessica: “I talked to a birth mom who placed her baby seven years ago. Because of her support, I knew what to expect after placement. I felt normal because of her; she was able to tell me ‘oh yeah I felt like that too. You aren’t crazy. You’ll get through this.’ She offered me a shoulder to cry on and didn’t judge me.”
You can find more information about our Peer Support Network here. You may also want to join a support group with other birth parents who have experienced what you’re going through.
Professional Counseling
During the adoption process, birth mothers may be interested in speaking with a licensed counselor. We provide independent, outside counselors who are available to talk by phone or in person, whichever way is most comfortable and convenient.
Counseling is available to you not only during your decision-making process but after you place too. Lifetime will connect you with a peer counselor, who can help you work through your emotions and give you the resources you need. Your peer counselor is a woman who also has the experience of making an adoption plan for her baby. Since she’s been where you are right now, she can give you real-life tips.
Ongoing Support from Your Adoption Coordinator
Your Adoption Coordinator will continue to be available and there for you, even after the adoption is completed. Lean on your Adoption Coordinator during this time. She’s here for you and will check in on you too.
Says one birth mother, “Veronica, your check-ins and help through this process have done more for me than I could ever say. Thanks to you, the agency, and my son’s new family I’ve had many happy times this past month.” And another woman says, “Thank you for your help throughout the entire process, and for always helping me! It’s been great having you keep in touch.”
Ongoing Connection: A Key Part of Post Adoption Support
Many birth moms have found that it helped them to get updates, emails, and photos from the adoptive couple. With open adoption, you get updates on your child as they grow up. You might even choose to visit them in person. We recommend that you exchange photos and emails with the adoptive couple if you feel comfortable with it and it’s something you need.
Having an ongoing relationship with your child’s adoptive family helps you remain a part of your child’s life. Whether you meet up in person, email with his or her parents, or see posts on social media, getting regular updates can provide you with peace of mind.
Talking to the adoptive couple to determine the level of communication and how the relationship will evolve will set everyone up for a good relationship. Sarah, a birth mom, says, “I was grieving the first year after I placed and his adoptive family had trust, sympathy, and boundaries. I loved being with my son and seeing him grow. It was healing for me. I’m still thankful for the time they gave me with him. We’ve developed love and respect for each other.”
Some women find it too painful to hear from the adoptive family right after the adoption but later decide that they need to know how their child is doing. Others need photos and emails right away but decide they’re OK with the amount of contact reducing later. It’s up to you. No two grieving and healing processes will be the same. Again, all resources for birth mothers after adoption are free and available to you whenever you need them.
Open adoption allows for the creation of extended families. That goes for your family as well! At Lifetime, we encourage birth mothers to include their families in future contact plans, if they wish. Their mother, siblings, and even children can meet the adoptive parents and be a part of the extended family in the future. Our adoption professionals can help with the details.
The flip side of this is that if birth mothers choose to go through the adoption process without planning for future contact or desiring just limited contact with the adoptive family, then we can help with that, too.
Many women may initially feel like they don’t want contact, but their feelings change after meeting the family and the baby. That’s OK! At Lifetime, all our families are open to ongoing contact, so if you change your mind, the door is always open.
Essential Strategies for Your First Year After Placing
Focus on Self-Care
Self-care is important for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. It produces positive feelings, which improve your confidence and self-esteem, and it’s good for managing stress during this transition.
Your body is also still healing from giving birth, so caring for yourself physically matters just as much as emotionally. A few ways to start:
- Eat healthy food. Try a diet with plenty of vegetables, lean proteins, fruits, and whole grains. Junk food may feel comforting in the moment, but it often leaves you feeling more sluggish afterward.
- Exercise, once you’re cleared to. Doctors generally recommend waiting a few days after an uncomplicated vaginal delivery before exercising. A daily walk after the first week or two is a great place to start. The sunshine and movement can genuinely help lift your mood.
- Journal. Writing down what you’re feeling is a simple, effective way to process grief. Getting emotions out of your head and onto paper often helps release them.
Some people also find comfort in a warm bath, meditating, or meeting a friend for coffee. Self-care looks different for everyone. It’s about finding what helps you heal, day by day.
Be Easy on Yourself
Especially in the first year after the adoption, be easy on yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat someone you care about: with kindness and understanding.
Don’t be afraid to express yourself and feel whatever emotions come up. Share them with your peer counselor, Adoption Coordinator, or a supportive friend. Ignoring grief and other painful emotions will just make them worse.
Your adoption grief may come up throughout your life. You can get through it by letting it in and then letting it go.
Be aware of your boundaries and hold to them. This might mean skipping family get-togethers that are triggers for you. Know your limits and stick to them, looking out for yourself and being easy on yourself.
A Sense of Relief
Mixed in with sadness, many birth mothers also feel a sense of relief, and that’s normal too. Carrying a baby for nine months, working through your adoption plan, and choosing the right adoptive family can be an emotionally exhausting process. Once your child is placed with the family you’ve chosen, it makes sense to feel relieved that the process is complete, even while you’re still grieving. You don’t have to feel guilty for feeling both at once.
Post Adoption Grief Timeline
Here’s a general timeline of what to expect in the grief process during the first year after placement.
Keep in mind that every woman’s experience with adoption is going to be different. No two grieving processes are the same.
The First Few Days
- Post-partum depression
- Crying every day (that’s OK!)
- Lots of thinking about your baby
- You long to hold your baby
- You might be stressed out about how your baby’s doing
By 6 Weeks
- To dull the pain, you might feel like drinking or doing drugs
- Almost anything can make you cry
- You may wonder if you made the right decision in placing your baby for adoption and if the adoptive couple can be trusted
- Feeling tired and depressed
- Feeling proud of yourself for choosing adoption – you start to think you’ll be OK
Guilt and Anger Are Normal Too
Along with grief, many birth mothers experience guilt or shame after placement. This is common, and it helps to remember your “why”: the reasons you chose adoption in the first place. For many birth mothers, that reason is knowing they couldn’t give their child the life they wanted for them, so they chose to give them a future with a loving family instead. Be patient with yourself; healing takes time.
One birth mother, Jenna, found relief from her guilt by writing a letter to her child, even though she never sent it. She says:
“It helped writing to my daughter and her family, even if I didn’t send it to them. I’d write about my feelings of love, my dreams for her, why I was thinking of her, what I want her to know about me or my family… whatever was on my heart.”
Anger is common, too. You may feel tempted to blame someone: yourself, your baby’s father, or even your adoption professional, even when it isn’t really anyone’s fault. That’s a natural response when life doesn’t go the way you hoped. Talk to your Adoption Coordinator about what you’re feeling. They can help you work through it in a healthy way.
Andi, a birth mom, got through her anger by focusing on the good:
“Focus on the good. I thought about the reasons I chose this plan and all the things I gave my son through adoption. It helped knowing I would stay in touch with him and his adoptive family. I like knowing they think of me and that I’m a part of their lives. It’s like we’re a big extended family!”
By 3 Months
- You still think about your baby often, but with less sadness
- Beginning to feel hopeful about your future
By 6 Months
- Adjusting to the fact of adoption
- You may find that a whole day goes by without thinking about your baby, and you might wonder if you’re forgetting about him
A Year After the Adoption
- You might feel sadness, regret, and anger at a level you didn’t anticipate
- At your baby’s first birthday, you’ll remember all you’ve been through
- Starting to become more aware that your life will never be the same
- Beginning to get your life “back on track” and thinking about your future
Grief Counseling as Post Adoption Support
Post adoption grief typically follows a pattern: intense emotion in the first few days, continued difficulty by six weeks, gradual stabilization by three to six months, and a possible emotional resurgence around the one-year anniversary of placement.
Lifetime Adoption has helped many birth mothers walk through post-adoption grief. We understand the complex emotions that occur after placing your child for adoption. Even if you know you made the right decision about adoption for your child, you may still feel some sadness.
Lifetime Adoption offers counseling from an independent counselor and peer counseling, no matter where you’re at in your adoption plan. We encourage you to take advantage of this post-adoption support after your baby’s adoption plan happens. You might face many emotions you weren’t expecting, and it can really help to speak with somebody. Talking with a woman who’s made an adoption plan before and “been there, done that” can help you learn what to expect.
Communication from Lifetime
After the adoption, Lifetime continues to provide updates to birth mothers. We also work to make the transition as easy as possible for everyone involved.
Communication and open dialogue are important. That’s why each birth mother has their own adoption coordinator. As they move through the adoption process, their relationship with their adoption coordinator will grow and flourish. Over time, moms feel more comfortable sharing their feelings, thoughts, and concerns with their coordinator.
Of course, our counselors and peer support network are also available to discuss any concerns. We also can help plan post adoption support, including referrals to scholarship programs.
Frequently Asked Questions About Post Adoption Support
What is post adoption support?
Post adoption support is the ongoing emotional, practical, and counseling assistance an adoption agency provides to birth mothers after placement. Lifetime Adoption provides free post adoption support to birth mothers, including 24/7 phone and text access, peer counseling, professional counseling referrals, and ongoing Adoption Coordinator contact.
Is post adoption support free?
Yes. All post adoption support resources through Lifetime Adoption, including peer counseling, professional counseling referrals, and Adoption Coordinator check-ins, are provided at no cost to birth mothers. Lifetime Adoption’s Peer Support Network connects birth mothers with other women who have placed a child for adoption, offering relatable, judgment-free support.
How long does post adoption grief last?
Grief after placing a child for adoption varies by individual, but many birth mothers experience the most intense emotions in the first six weeks, a gradual adjustment by three to six months, and renewed waves of emotion around the one-year mark, especially near the child’s birthday.
Can I get counseling after I’ve already placed my baby for adoption?
Yes. Lifetime Adoption offers both peer counseling and professional counseling to birth mothers at any point after placement, not just during the decision-making process.
Who can I talk to if I’m struggling emotionally after adoption?
Birth mothers can reach Lifetime Adoption 24/7 by phone or text at 1-800-923-6784, and can also connect with a peer counselor or their Adoption Coordinator for ongoing support.
Remember: You’re Not Alone
We’re not going to lie: your first year after placement might be the hardest. Every birth mom faces this time differently, and it’s normal to feel everything from guilt to hope.
Latricia, a birth mother who placed her child for adoption, encourages other birth moms to ask for help before they feel overwhelmed:
“Sometimes I felt like I had to have all the answers. I learned to reach out before I felt overwhelmed. Speak up when you need information, a helping hand, or direction for the next step. People want to help.”
Questions or concerns? Are you facing an unplanned pregnancy? We are here for you, whether you’re a birth father, mother, or friends and family. All those affected by adoption can contact Lifetime Adoption today! As a domestic adoption agency, Lifetime Adoption is ready to help.
Please call or text Lifetime Adoption at 1-800-923-6784 if you need counseling, have questions, or even just if you need to talk.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on June 12, 2020, and has since been updated.
Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P., is nationally recognized as an expert on open adoption. A Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P.), Caldwell is the founder of Lifetime Adoption Center, established in 1986. She has assisted in over 2,000 successful adoptions and was one of the first adoption professionals on the Internet.
Caldwell's life work is dedicated to educating and helping birth parents find the right adoptive parents for their child. She spreads the word about modern adoption through speaking appearances, webinars, online resources, and as a podcast show host.
She has written several award-winning books, including So I Was Thinking About Adoption, the first book of its kind. There are many reasons women choose adoption, and this short book is a comprehensive resource to make the best plan for you and your baby. Caldwell wrote So I Was Thinking About Adoption as a handy guide to the details of the adoption process.
Caldwell has made over 150 media appearances, including ABC News, CBS News, Larry King Live, CNN Headline News, NBC's The Today Show, CNN's The Campbell Brown Show, NBC News, KGO Newstalk Radio, CNN's Black in America II, MSNBC, Fox, PBS, BBC, and Dr. Laura.
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