There are as many different reasons for adoption as there are women who are pregnant. Every story is unique and the decision to place a child for adoption is a personal one. If you have recently discovered that you are pregnant, you may feel nervous or scared at the idea of becoming a mom. And if you have a lot of questions going through your mind, you are not alone.
Recently we were asked, “What are some reasons for giving a baby up for adoption?” (At Lifetime, we don’t use this kind of language; we find it to be outdated and not an accurate reflection of the loving process of open adoption. We prefer to say, “placing a child for adoption.”)
It is normal to struggle with the idea of placing your baby in the arms of another family. However, when you choose an open adoption, you’re not saying goodbye forever. You can stay in touch and get updates as they grow up. You can help select the adoptive family, and you can choose to be a part of your child’s life later down the road.
Why do mothers choose adoption for their baby?
1. Money
Raising a child is expensive. Clothes, shoes, food, and health care are some of the things that add up quickly. Plus, there are additional costs, such as child care, hobbies and activities, and education expenses.
At the end of the day, raising a child to the age of 17 could cost over $200,000. After looking at their money situation, some women choose adoption so they can give their child a life they couldn’t provide otherwise.
Finally, if a child has special needs, this can make things even more difficult for any mother. There may be medical expenses, therapy, counseling, and lifestyle changes necessary to accommodate your child’s needs.
For women who don’t have the resources to support those needs, adoption may be the answer. There are hopeful couples out there who are waiting to adopt and are not only prepared for this but also feel called to adopt a child with special needs.
“I was already working two jobs and barely making ends meet. Giving my baby up for adoption felt like the only way to give her the kind of life I couldn’t afford,” says Tiffany. “It broke my heart, but I knew she deserved more than struggle.”
2. Future plans and goals
An unplanned pregnancy can cause stress for birth parents. For a birth mother who is young and has big goals for the future, having a baby could make it more difficult to reach those goals. Especially if her future plans include years of college and post-graduate studies, like medical school! In order for birth parents to have the best chance at achieving the big dreams they have for their life, adoption may be their best choice.
“I was 19, in college, and trying to build a future. Giving my baby up for adoption wasn’t because I didn’t love him—it was because I did. I wanted him to have stability while I worked toward becoming the person I hope he’ll be proud of one day,” says Jasmine, a birth mom.
3. Not ready or too young to be a mom
Lack of readiness is actually the most common reason we hear. Sometimes women who become unexpectedly pregnant are simply not ready to devote their lives to someone else who needs them 24/7. Whatever their choices in life right now, they are just not ready to shift everything and be a full-time mother.
Shares Tina Johnson in a column she wrote for the Calgary Herald, “I became pregnant during high school…Deciding the future for both myself and my child was daunting, overwhelming and isolating. Understanding that I did not have the capacity to figure out my next steps on my own, I relied on a network of counsellors and social workers who helped me understand my options and what resources I had access to. After acknowledging that becoming a teen mom was not realistic, I started to learn about open adoption.”
4. I can’t raise another child.
Many women who choose adoption are already parenting other children. They may not have the time, energy, or resources to devote to a baby while also doing what’s best for their other children. For some moms in this situation, making an adoption plan is the best solution, since it allows her to provide a good, loving home for the child while caring for her other children.
5. I’m afraid my baby will end up in foster care.
Some women know that their current home situation is not suitable for raising children. If Child Protective Services get involved, your child could be placed in foster care, and this system can be unpredictable.
Depending on the circumstances, you may have little to no choice about where your child ends up. When you make an open adoption plan, you get to choose the perfect family to raise your child. You won’t have to wonder if your child is safe and cared for.
6. I can’t give my child the life I wish for him or her.
Finances, physical or mental health issues, drug addiction, and incarceration are all personal challenges that could prevent a woman from providing the life she wishes for her child. One of the most common reasons for putting a child up for adoption is to provide them with the path toward a more hopeful future. There are as many reasons for adoption as there are people making that choice.
In the video below, birth mother Sarah shares why she chose adoption. Sarah says, “All I wanted for [my son] was to stability and security, not just love, because love is great, love is what helps us thrive, but it’s not going to support our whole reality. And for him, like, he was coming in nine months whether I wanted him to or not. I’m still pulling myself out of the bad decisions that I made financially and even mentally, emotionally and my environment. I am so glad that he had the opportunity to…that I was able to give him his best life.”
7. Single motherhood
Many women find themselves pregnant and a single parent. This can cause anxiety and added pressure to raise the baby on their own. They want their baby to have two parents.
Being a single mom does have challenges. Because of that, many women will decide that if they do not have the support system of a partner or the baby’s father, they will consider adoption. Similarly, many women share that they want a father for their baby.
It’s not easy being a single parent, and some women can’t imagine raising a child on their own. If the baby’s father is unwilling or unable to be a part of his child’s life, a woman may turn to adoption so she can offer her child the stability and support of a two-parent home.
8. Abusive relationship
If the father of the child has been abusive, the expectant mother may realize that it is simply not safe to bring a baby home. So, while she works to get out of the unhealthy or abusive relationship, she may decide that placing the baby with a loving adoptive family is the best and safest option.
9. Stability
A stable home gives the child a solid foundation to start life. Many birth mothers are facing unstable home environments. Perhaps they are struggling to keep a roof over their heads, they plan on moving multiple times for work, or they simply do not have the support system in place at home. A caring adoptive family will provide a stable home environment that plays an important part in the baby’s success in life.
10. No support system
Parenthood is exhausting. There is a reason for the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Not only do moms need help with child care, but they also need the support, validation, and feeling of community from their close circle. If your family and friends won’t support you or help you with your child, parenthood is going to be difficult.
“Giving my baby up for adoption was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone,” says Marissa. “I didn’t have the support I needed to be the mom I wanted to be, and I chose adoption because I wanted more for her than I could give on my own.”
11. Religious reasons for choosing adoption over abortion.
Abortion is a permanent decision that could lead to a lifetime of regret. Some women will not even consider this option because of their religious beliefs. They find that adoption is the best solution for an unplanned pregnancy.
12. I want to turn my difficult situation into a blessing for someone else.
There are so many hopeful adoptive couples who dream of becoming parents. They are just waiting for a birth mother to choose them. Some birth mothers express that they made the sacrifice of placing their child for adoption to bless an infertile couple; it leads to a joyful future for an entire family.
You’re not alone. Hear honest stories from real birth mothers who share why adoption was the right choice for them. It can help to hear from someone who’s been there.
What support is available for birth mothers considering adoption?
If you’re pregnant and considering adoption, Lifetime Adoption offers a comprehensive range of free, confidential support services designed to empower you throughout your journey. These services are tailored to meet your unique needs and ensure you’re supported every step of the way.
Support Services Available
- 24/7 Adoption Hotline: Access to compassionate adoption specialists anytime via call or text at 1-800-923-6784.
- Personalized Counseling: Receive professional counseling and goal-setting guidance to help you make informed decisions.
- Adoption Planning Assistance: Create a customized adoption plan that aligns with your preferences, including choosing the adoptive family and determining the level of future contact.
- Medical and Legal Referrals: Get connected to medical care, legal assistance, and other essential services to support your well-being.
- Financial and Housing Support: Access help with pregnancy-related expenses, housing referrals, and transportation to medical appointments, as permitted by state law.
- Peer Support Network: Connect with other women who have navigated the adoption process, offering you empathy and shared experiences.
- Educational Opportunities: Explore scholarship programs and educational resources through the Lifetime Adoption Foundation to support your future goals.
Lifetime Adoption is dedicated to providing you with the resources and support you need to make the best decision for you and your baby. All services are offered at no cost, and there’s no obligation to proceed with adoption unless you choose to do so. For more information or to speak with a coordinator, you can call or text 1-800-923-6784 at any time.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on June 19, 2020. It has since been updated.
Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P., is nationally recognized as an expert on open adoption. A Certified Open Adoption Practitioner (C.O.A.P.), Caldwell is the founder of Lifetime Adoption Center, established in 1986. She has assisted in over 2,000 successful adoptions and was one of the first adoption professionals on the Internet.
Caldwell's life work is dedicated to educating and helping birth parents find the right adoptive parents for their child. She spreads the word about modern adoption through speaking appearances, webinars, online resources, and as a podcast show host.
She has written several award-winning books, including So I Was Thinking About Adoption, the first book of its kind. There are many reasons women choose adoption, and this short book is a comprehensive resource to make the best plan for you and your baby. Caldwell wrote So I Was Thinking About Adoption as a handy guide to the details of the adoption process.
Caldwell has made over 150 media appearances, including ABC News, CBS News, Larry King Live, CNN Headline News, NBC's The Today Show, CNN's The Campbell Brown Show, NBC News, KGO Newstalk Radio, CNN's Black in America II, MSNBC, Fox, PBS, BBC, and Dr. Laura.
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