“My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, and we live together. We just learned that I’m pregnant, and we’re not ready to be parents! Neither of us can hold down a job, and we’ve been evicted from apartments many times over the past year. My boyfriend wants me to get an abortion, but I don’t. I’m thinking of giving my baby up for adoption. What should we do?”
An unplanned pregnancy can come as a shock to you and your boyfriend. Even if your boyfriend wants you to get an abortion, you have choices. Your pregnancy and how your baby’s future plays out is ultimately your decision.
Some people think abortion is a fast solution to an unexpected pregnancy. But in reality, it’s a lot more complicated. This “quick fix” can lead to regret and sadness. In their hurry to make a decision, some choose abortion before they’ve had time to consider all of their options.
Communicate Clearly
Often, when a guy hears that their girlfriend might be pregnant, his first reaction isn’t the most positive. After the shock of finding out you’re pregnant wears off, he should be better able to communicate and think clearly.
Ask your boyfriend why he wants you to have an abortion. Sometimes, men feel unsure about a pregnancy because they worry about money or how it might change their lives. Sit down with him and discuss why he thinks abortion is the best option. Does he feel like he’s not ready to be a father? Does he feel like he won’t have any freedom if he becomes a dad? Does he think finances are a problem?
Once you know why he wants you to get an abortion, tell him how you feel about it. Share your concerns, fears, and why you might not agree with what he wants.
You’ll both need time to think, so be sure to continue communicating with each other over the following days and weeks.
Learn How Far Along You Are
Before you and your boyfriend decide what to do, you should find out how far along you are. Using this online pregnancy due date calculator, you can estimate how far along you are in your pregnancy based on your last period.
To get a medical-grade pregnancy test, visit your local clinic or your doctor. Even though at-home pregnancy tests are pretty accurate, once in a while, they’re wrong.
If you need help finding a clinic or affording the visit, programs are run by the Health Department where you live can provide medical care, information, and advice. To learn about the program in your state, call 800-311-BABY (800-311-2229). This number will connect you to the Health Department in your area code. You can also search for a pregnancy center near you.
Discuss Options and Plan for the Future
Ultimately, you’ll decide what’s best for you and your baby. Of course, he can express your opinions about the pregnancy and how he would or would not like to be involved. But he can’t force you to get an abortion.
Take some time to understand all of the pregnancy options — parenting, abortion, and adoption. That way, the two of you can have a productive discussion.
If your boyfriend wants you to get an abortion, but you don’t, set clear boundaries. Let him know what level of communication you’re comfortable with. Remember, he can’t force you to make a decision that you’re uncomfortable with.
Abortion or Adoption?
It’s common to think of abortion as a “quick fix” to a huge problem. Many consider abortion to be more confidential, cheaper, and better for long-term mental health. But in reality, that’s not necessarily the case. Adoption is confidential, free, and, for some women, the right answer to an unplanned pregnancy.
Think about it this way: if you get an abortion because it’s what he wants, you will resent him, and your relationship will be as good as over anyway. If you have an abortion, it needs to be for other reasons than just because of your boyfriend.
Have the Adoption Conversation
Many men don’t understand how adoption works today and say things like, “There’s no way I’m letting her give our baby away.” They don’t know that open adoption isn’t saying goodbye forever. It means choosing the adoptive parents and staying in touch throughout the years. But since this isn’t common knowledge, abortion is often seen as the easy way out.
Tell your boyfriend about all the reasons that you feel adoption is the best decision for you, him, and your future baby. And let him know why you’re against getting an abortion.
Then, once you’ve had this conversation, your baby’s father may feel relieved that you have a plan for the future. When you’re talking to him about your decision, be sure to include:
- Why you chose adoption
- The choices open adoption gives the two of you
- What he will need to do to provide consent for the adoption
“When my boyfriend wanted me to get an abortion but I didn’t, I wasn’t sure what to do,” says Hannah. “I had to be upfront with him. I told him I wanted to place our baby up for adoption. We couldn’t afford everything a child needs, like health insurance and education! He said his family was pressuring him to ‘step up’ and be a man by stopping the adoption. But he came around once I told him he could help me choose a family, and we wouldn’t be saying goodbye to our baby forever.”
Do you have any questions about adoption? Please pick up the phone and text or call us at 1-800-923-6784. We’re available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on March 14, 2017, and has since been updated.
As Vice President of Lifetime Adoption, Heather Featherston holds an MBA and is passionate about working with those facing adoption, pregnancy, and parenting issues. Heather has conducted training for birth parent advocates, spoken to professional groups, and has appeared on television and radio to discuss the multiple aspects of adoption. She has provided one-on-one support to women and hopeful adoptive parents working through adoption decisions.
Since 2002, she has been helping pregnant women and others in crisis to learn more about adoption. Heather also trains and speaks nationwide to pregnancy clinics to effectively meet the needs of women who want to explore adoption for their child. Today, she continues to address the concerns women have about adoption and supports the needs of women who choose adoption for their child.
As a published author of the book Called to Adoption, Featherston loves to see God’s hand at work every day as she helps children and families come together through adoption.
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